The Discovery

(Continued from this post.)

I took a deep breath. Here I was, toes at the very edge of the cliff. One more step … a prayer … deep sigh … guide me, Lord … catch me …

One step, two, three … I looked around. Where was I? Where was the frightening fall into the murky depths of an icy sea?  I found myself wading on soft sand into clear, light, life-giving water. A bright expanse, rainbow colors, sapphire … a sparkling throne.* Completely unexpected, yet deeply familiar. Somehow, it was no strange place I had encountered. 

I had come home.

Back in my regular house at the family table, feeding my baby in her high chair, my heart expanded as I heard in the background lyrics that suddenly held new meaning for me: 

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

(“Oceans” by Hillsong United)

*See Revelation 4; Ezekiel 1:22-28 and 10:1; Exodus 24:10

The Response

(Part 3 of 4. Here are parts 1 and 2.)

I stood again, tentatively taking a step toward the edge. Lifting my heart again in an agonized cry,

“Lord, where are you? I just want to follow You! But I am afraid! I don’t know how to find You in the Catholic Church! What if it is dry and dead there? What if … ? How can I … ? Will You … ? Will I die?”

Suddenly He was there before me, arms outstretched,

“If it is Me, will you come? Will you trust Me, even with your heart? With everything you love? Will you trust me to find You, to lead you to Myself, no matter where you are?”

My heart leapt. I knew it was Him. This was the face I knew, the voice I loved.

Heart pounding, I answered,

“Yes! Jesus, I am still very afraid. But I will come to You.”

He hadn’t answered my questions or calmed my fears. He had simply shown me His face, let me hear His voice, and I knew that whatever happened, I would be safe with Him.

Placing my hand in His, I walked toward the cliff, with these old, beloved words growing alive in my heart:

“Tell me, O you whom my soul loves,
Where do you pasture your flock,
Where do you make it lie down at noon?
For why should I be like one who veils herself
Beside the flocks of your companions?”

“If you yourself do not know,
Most beautiful among women,
Go forth on the trail of the flock
And pasture your young goats
By the tents of the shepherds.
(Song of Songs 1:7, 8) 

(Final post here.)

The Question

(Continued from this post.)

Oh, my Jesus. How can I refuse You? You have been my First Love since I was a little child. Since I memorized John 3:16 in Sunday school:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Since I sang, “Jesus Loves Me,” at night when I was afraid.

Since my heart was formed by songs learned in the little churches I attended with my family. Songs like:

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds.
And nothing I desire compares with You.

and

Take me into the Holy of Holies.
Take me in by the blood of the Lamb.
Take me into the Holy of Holies.
Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am.

I gave You my heart at camp when they said, “Who will respond to the call of the Lord?” and I repeated the words of the prophet,

Here am I; send me.

And again, much later, when I renewed my promise that I would never refuse You, no matter what You asked. And I heard Your voice in my heart:

I know that you will never say "no" to Me.

So I knew that my decision was made, had been made long ago and affirmed over and over. I would follow You anywhere You called me, as long as I knew it was You.

But how would I know? That was the question pressing on my soul.

Lord, is this You? Could it possibly be You calling me to the Catholic Church? Don’t let me be deceived or led astray. I am trusting You, my Good Shepherd. You said that those who seek You would be sure to find You. You are my heart’s desire. Don’t ever let me wander away from You. I cannot --- I will not --- lose You!

(To be continued.)

The Invitation

It felt like I was standing at the top of a cliff on a Northern California Coast. I could look into the distance and see a beautiful sea stretching out to meet the endless sky. Behind me were wildflowers along safe paths. Here I stood, contemplating my choice. I could go back to the familiar place I loved. Continuing to explore the paths on shore, I could spend a lifetime enjoying the view from here. Or I could accept the invitation I heard beckoning my soul.

My lover said to me, “Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!” (Song of Songs 2:10, NLT).

I heard the voice I had loved all my life calling to me. I had heard this voice before. I had promised to follow Him wherever He led. Yet this journey … exploring the depths of the Catholic Church ... more terrifying than any I had considered before. Was He really asking me to step off the edge of the cliff? What would happen if I did?

I took a step closer. I looked down. The water was dark, swirling around jagged rocks. I imagined the chill seeping into my flesh, my body smashed as the tide crashed against the cliff. As the sun sank into the blackened sea, my paralyzed body sank, lifeless, into the depths.

Trembling, I wondered. Was this vision true? Or would He, somehow, catch me as I fell?

I sat down, gazing at the gorgeous colors of the sunset reflecting on the surface of the water. I had loved Him all my life. I had longed to be ever closer to Him, hidden in the depths of His heart. Would I trust Him now, when He seemed to be asking me to step into the unknown? Would I ever be content again if I didn’t? Or would I always wonder what would have happened if I had taken that one, terrifying step?

Was this an invitation to an incredibly journey, or an insane plunge into the abyss?

I could hear the voices of some behind me, desperately calling,

“No, don’t go there! It’s dangerous, and you might lose your way! Please, we love you! Don’t leave this safe place where we are!”

I loved them. I had no desire to leave them. Yet, increasingly, I could not ignore this insistent voice.

“Will you trust Me no matter what? No matter where? No matter when? Are you truly mine? Or are you theirs first? Will you trust Me, even with them? Even with their fears and doubts, in addition to your own?”

(Continued here.)