Not Exactly What I Was Expecting

I have been wanting to post for a long time. There is so much on my heart about adopting and God's heart. But recently I have been rather speechless at the turn that the path has taken in the journey our good Shepherd is leading us on. Just as we are finishing up our home study, we find ourselves pregnant ... again.

There are many things that I could say. I could try to defend or explain what seems a bit strange in this day of birth control and voluntary sterilization. But I won't. Not right now. My mouth is closed before the God who made the universe, who holds the stars in His hands, and who holds my heart. Suffice it to say that as we are following His leading to the best of our ability, He is teaching us to trust Him in ways that are deeper and more glorious than I'd ever anticipated.

I have been joking that while I am very glad to be welcoming another baby into our family (after all, I have been looking forward to that anyway), I am somewhat in denial about the process that child is taking to get here. I think she (yes, my guess is that it's a girl) is just going to be dropped off on our doorstep next August, and we will welcome her joyfully. My heart is open to welcome any and every child the Lord sees fit to bring to us. And, having spent half of my seven years of marriage pregnant, I am now at a point that it seems better not to dwell on that fact too much. I am trusting that God will give me the strength to do what He asks of me.

One question has come up many times as others have heard that we are pregnant. "Are you still going to adopt?" That is the question that I would like to address here. It is a question that has been weighing on my heart for weeks, months even. When we started the home study process, knowing that we may still become pregnant at some point along the way, we looked at each other and said, "If we get pregnant, we won't stop this time."

You see, we have begun the adoption process twice before. I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. Many times, both before and since marrying my Salt Racer, I have cried out to the Lord in tears, asking when I will be released to adopt. When my husband and I had the usual premarital conversation, "So, how many kids do you want?" I made him answer first. "2.3" was, I believe, the answer he gave. So I decided to go for the jugular. "I want six," I said. I figured that he'd either run away right then and there, or he would reconsider his position. He didn't run, and since then he has become at least as committed to having a large family as I am. And his heart to adopt is equally strong.

There are many days, many moments, when I think I must be crazy. It is not easy to be a stay-at-home mother to four children five and under, especially when I am pregnant (sick, tired, in pain, etc.) half the time. When I look at my circumstances, I am easily overwhelmed.

Then there is always the question, what social worker or birth mother is going to think that we should be able to adopt a child whose future is in their hands? We certainly don't fit the usual paradigm of adoptive parents.

So this is the conclusion that we've come to. It seems reasonable enough. We are going to finish up our home study (which is valid for three years) and simply be available. Should the Lord see fit to bless our family with any children through adoption, we will be ready. And if three years pass without our adopting, then we will seek the Lord about updating it so that we will continue to be ready.

You see, we figure that we can "easily" fit eight children in our home, and possibly more with some creative thinking. So why not go for as many as we can? We feel a bit like Oscar Schindler at the end of Schindler's List, "I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more." In light of the alternative (babies being aborted and abandoned), the difficulties fade in magnitude.

That is my "reasonable" state of mind. But my heart is crying out, "No! I don't want to just 'be ready'! I don't want to take no for an answer! I know a little girl right now who needs a mommy and daddy to love her. Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?" So what if human reasoning says it's too much? So what if it's a risk? I don't want to live by that kind of thinking anymore. I want to live by the kind of thinking that instead of saying, "I can't," says, "Yes, Lord! Show me how!"

I KNOW that He will meet us there. I KNOW that He loves a heart of faith that doesn't tell Him, "Enough!" I KNOW that He will honor a heart that continues, no matter what, to say, "More, Lord!" Yes, in my own strength it is impossible. But He never asked me to live by my own strength, did He? No, He most certainly did not.

Even if He gently says, "Not yet, little one," I know that He loves my heart. He is not thinking, "Foolish little girl who wants to take on the world but doesn't know her own limitations." (Even though that's what I'm afraid He thinks in my lower moments.) No, what He is thinking is, "I love that! I love that you trust Me so much! That you want to walk in such a place of dependence on Me that you are willing to take on more than you know you can handle on your own. Don't worry, I will meet you there. I will give you an abundance, and your nets will not break. Don't fear, you will feed many lambs for me."

And so, are we still going to adopt? YES!!!! As long as there is breath in me, I will continue to hope that the Lord will allow us to adopt at least one child, if not more. And I will continue to welcome every precious life that He brings to us, whether "homegrown" or "transplanted."

Thank You, Lord, for Your many blessings. Help me not to be afraid but to walk in the reality of Your love which casts out all fear. I love You!