Boundaries

Speaking of boundaries, I received the book Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend as a baby shower gift. I started reading it today, and already I'm convicted! Here are the "Obstacles to Teaching Boundaries" (I identify with every one of them):

• Depending on the Child - "Am I afraid that if I say no to my kids, I will lose the love I need from them?" I'm not afraid to say no, but I do fear their anger or disappointment. So I tend to avoid situations that will cause them much discomfort. I am so afraid that they won't understand that I love them. However, that is their choice. I need to be firm and let them experience the consequences of their choices.
  
• Overidentifying with the Child - "Parents are commonly unable to delay their children's gratification because they overidentify with the child's feelings. . . . If you find that you are unable to bear your child's pain, you may be projecting your pain into him."
• Thinking Love and Separateness Are Enemies - "Many parents . . . fear that disagreeing, confronting, or simply being different from their children indicates a break in the connection. . . . The reality is that love and separateness go together and one doesn't threaten the other. In fact, to the extent that you can be separate from someone is the extent to which you can truly love him or her."
• Ignoring and Zapping - "She was putting up with inappropriateness, hoping it would go away. Instead, it escalated. At the same time, her resentment was growing. Finally, all the truths she had neglected to say boiled out at one time. . . . [B]ecome an early confronter . . . . It helps you to prepare your child for real life, in which she will not get everything she wants, no matter how hard she tries."
• Being Worn Down - "We empathize with parents who figure, 'Oh well, I'll give in this time . . . . It's just not worth the fight.' And that may be true on some occasions. But each time you let them neglect responsibilities, the child's ability to be a self-controlled person is eroded."

This statement was a revelation: "Remember that parenting is a temporary job, not an identity. [Really?] Kids with parents who have a life learn both that they aren't the center of the universe and that they can be free to pursue their own dreams."

I can see that I need a lot of help! I identify with my children way too much. I do have a hard time seeing myself as separate from them. Holy Spirit, change me. It will make for a more peaceful home, children who are more responsible and capable, and a more enjoyable life for me!