How to even express what I am thinking? I am grieving for Derek's wife Renee, for his children, for his brother and sister-in-law, for his nieces and nephews, and for the rest of his family and community. But I am also grieving for myself. I lost a hero this week. He was more than a preacher I heard once. He was a knight in shining armor, riding fearlessly into the dragon's cave and rescuing damsels in distress. He was a husband adored by his beautiful wife. He was a father who poured out his heart for his children. The frustrating thing is saying "he was." Why am I not saying "he is"? He should still be here with us. Still riding out ahead, still making wrong things right, one life at a time.
To quote Randy Bohlender, "This really stinks."
"God, help me understand! What are You doing? What are You thinking?" These are the questions that have hit me really hard today.
Derek still "is." To put it in Jesus' words, Derek has fallen asleep. But then why can't we wake him? Why can't he wake up tomorrow, kiss his wife, swing his kids around in his arms, and venture out to save the world again? For one simple reason: he "is," but he is not "here." "Here" is where we want him to be. God, send him back! Why did you take him now?
I feel like I'm looking at a picture of reality from one perspective. From here it looks like sadness and tears. The colors are flat, dark, and dreary. If I could just tilt my head a little one way or another I would see in 3D and the picture would suddenly become breathtakingly beautiful. It would be infused with light and color, and all the darkness I see now would become the contrast against which God's perfect plan would shine more brightly.
One question that I have heard whispered in my soul is this, "Who are you trusting in?" Oh, that hurts to hear, but there is comfort in it too. Whose job is it, really, to care for Renee and her children? Ultimately, it is God's. He is their true joy, their true protector, their true provider. He is the rescuer of the innocent, the comforter of the brokenhearted. Derek was bright because His Spirit shone through him. And HE has not left them. He will not.
You WILL NOT forsake them. Never. Not ever.
And so, though the picture has not yet shifted for me, I will trust You.
To quote Stephen Curtis Chapman, "Though this first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever."*
Let forever come.
*(From "Our God Is in Control" on the album Beauty Will Rise.)
Beautifully stated, Michelle!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is aching so, it is hard for me to understand why the Lord allows such brilliant ones to be taken from the earth that so desperately needs them. It is especially hard to think about those that He lets live, without telling my own story, and those that go. I don't understand, it's terrible, it's wrong, and the words "it's stinks" isn't enough for me. Why are there men that rape young girls out there and the one saving them dies. This is been very difficult for Johnny and I to deal with, and yet, it is the very thing the Lord uses isn't, to deal with the deepest darkest places in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteDerek is a hero, and I pray for a greater legacy through his death than somehow his life, if that's possible, that Jesus can and will turn it all around.
gina
I hear you, Gina.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteWe have never met but I wanted to let you know what an inspiration YOUR blog has been to ME! I am a mommy to 6; four here with me and twin girls in Heaven. I found your story on Tracie's blog one day right after you adopted your daughter and it opened my eyes up to domesic adoption. I have always had a passion for adoption but I figured we would adopt internationally because I had always thought it was too hard to adopt from the US. Since then, we have come in contact with Christian Adoption Consultants and hopefully will adopt our baby in 2010!
I write all this with a heavy heart over the loss the Loux family has had, but wanted to let you know that because your were inspired by Derek and acted, I was inspired by you! God is awesome like that!! Take care of those beautiful babies and God Bless!
Tracie Ward
Owasso, OK
Tracie, thank you for letting me know. Just now, I was praying that God would multiply Derek's ministry ten thousand fold more than it would have been had he lived. His death is a tragedy for us, but I pray that it results in many, many more lives being saved. I am encouraged that it is already happening. We will rejoice together in Heaven! (So sorry for the loss of your twins. Perhaps they're already rejoicing with Derek and his little son Josiah!) And congratulations! I pray that your adoption goes smoothly. I know that God will provide everything you need!
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