Refreshing

The cool breeze washes over me like a touch of Your Spirit whispering through the trees, “Come, my beloved. Come away with Me. Sit in My presence. Listen for My voice. Receive My love.”

Your voice awakens longings in me deeper than I can describe. It is intoxicating, promising intimacy beyond any other. I follow, helpless to deny You.

Your love is refreshing, reviving my soul. Your love beckons me to come near. Insistent, gentle, constant, unassuming … inviting, never forcing … ever present. Your love is easily forgotten --- ignored --- lost in the busyness of the day. But it is always there, silently waiting for the seeking heart to find.

Revive me, Lord. Awaken me to Your love. My heart forgets ... forgive me ... help me to live always in the reality of Love. Every moment. Not on autopilot, just doing, disconnected, deaf to Your sweet whispers in my soul. Make my heart attentive to You.

Because more than anything, I want You. My heart, mind, body, soul filled and consumed by You. Nothing less will ever satisfy me. Help me to stop … breathe … remember … and be.

With You.

It Doesn't Take a Supermom to Homeschool ... (part 2 of 2)

I would like to finish this post by sharing some of the ways that I homeschool my children. Not because I think that it's the only right way to do it, but because some of it might help another homeschooling mom. If the shoe fits, then wear it! (And if it doesn't, move on and find another one that does.)

First of all, we choose not to participate in charter school. We do not want the added pressure of having to meet public school standards. I enjoy being accountable only to my husband and God. I do sometimes wish that we had money for activities like soccer, ballet, gymnastics, or horseback riding, but my husband and I feel that God (not the government) will provide what we need when (and if) we need it.

I choose not to use prepackaged curricula for most subjects because I feel that would make homeschooling less fun for us and add unnecessary pressure. I also don't try to do every subject every day. We do try to do Bible and reading every day. The other subjects I try to do three days a week. I only "plan" school work for Monday-Thursday, leaving Fridays to do makeup work and/or something fun (like going to the library or on a field trip).

For reading, I use a simple phonics program that I downloaded from the internet. First, I used it to teach my highly motivated first daughter (currently 7 years old) to read. She quickly blew through it and now reads anything she can get her hands on. Currently I am using it to teach my 6-year-old daughter to read. She is going slowly but delights to understanding more and more words. I have not even started to teach my four-year-old formally, but he catches the overflow, and I try to read to him a little every day. My kids also enjoy workbooks, so I got them some spelling and writing workbooks. They do a couple of pages a day in each workbook.

For math, we are using a prepackaged curriculum called Right Start Math. All three of my kids are still in the first (aka, Kindergarten) level. We are going really slowly through this because I want to be sure that they (and I) really understand and enjoy it. I started out teaching my two older girls together, but it was frustrating for them both because of the differences in their abilities. It was also frustrating to me because our lessons were taking 1-2 hours a day. So I continued with my older daughter, who is now nearly finished with Level A and will soon begin Level B (when we can afford to buy it). Her math lessons now take about 15-30 minutes a day. After a break I started over with my 6-year-old and added her 4- (almost 5-) year-old brother. So far they seems to be working well together, and she doesn't seem to have noticed that I set her back. She also enjoys math a lot more now. I do too, especially since I can get their lesson done in 30 minutes a day.

For P.E. , we take walks and go swimming at a neighbor's pool.

For science, we notice things on our walks and in everyday life. The other day we saw a little snake on the sidewalk. I had my kids draw a snake when we got home, and my oldest (who can read and write on her own) wrote a few sentences describing it. I have a book of science experiments you can do at home, but we haven't cracked it open yet. Sometimes something comes up that my kids ask a question about. Last week it was, "What is lava?" I proceeded to explain volcanoes to them and wrote it down as our science for the day. Later, when a volcano erupted recently in Indonesia, we talked about it. I read a news article to them (to which they only marginally paid attention), we watched Youtube videos of volcanoes erupting (they loved that part), and they drew pictures of volcanoes. Bonus: we prayed for the Indonesian people too!

For social studies, we are currently using free stuff that I found on the Voice of the Martyrs website, kidsofcouragemag.net. They have activity booklets on several different countries. I printed out one on Malaysia, and we enjoyed reading about that country and doing the simple activities that were included. Next we will be starting to study Ethiopia. (Last year, we used Five in a Row, a picture-book-based unit study curriculum, and we loved it - it was very fun and easy to do.)

Last but certainly not least, our main subject is Bible. This is the one that we try to do every day no matter what. We are reading through a chronological Bible paraphrase called Day by Day Kids' Bible. My kids love to draw, so every other week or so, I tell them the subject headings for upcoming sections, and they draw pictures that are related. I make copies (we invested in a good printer/copier that wasn't too expensive this year, and it's great). Then, each day during "Bible Time," they color our homemade Bible coloring pages while I read to them. We have a "prayer box," a simple index card file on which I write prayer requests. I pass out two or three cards to each child, and we pray for the people listed on the cards. We also memorize scripture this way, writing a couple verses on a card and making up silly tunes to sing them together. It's a super-easy way to get the Word in our hearts. Bible is my favorite subject to do with my kids, because it feeds my spirit too! (Note: on the days when I am too tired or cranky to teach Bible, or when I need to spend some extra time on my AA daughter's hair, I turn on a "Bible" movie for the kids to watch, like The Miracle Maker.)

I hardly spend any time planning or grading or anything like that. I just find things that are easy and fun for us to do. And if we don't get everything done that I thought we should, I am learning to stop stressing about it. Instead, I ask God what He wants us to get done that day. He then reminds me that His goal is for us to love each other (John 13:34-35; 15:12, 17). Then I remember that I shouldn't worry so much about WHAT we do, and instead focus on just loving my kids.

Final thoughts (to bring this back to how I'm not Supermom): I do not do my makeup every day, and I have learned some really quick, easy things to do with my hair. I do usually get dressed since we try to go for a walk most days (it helps all our perspectives to get out of the house for a little while). However, when I'm pregnant or nursing, I don't always get dressed. My house is ALWAYS messy, except when we clean up before having guests over, and even then it's far less perfect than I'd like. My living room furniture is torn up and we can't afford to replace it (though we're praying for some good free or really cheap furniture). The dishes usually stay piled up in the sink until after lunch. Some days I cannot cook, so instead we have "snack dinner" where everyone picks something to eat like cereal or yogurt. I also make big meals so we have leftovers at least 1-2 days a week. I do not "do it all." We are not involved in many extracurricular activities. Our big outings for the week are church, the park, and the library. I teach my kids piano lessons, but we cannot afford sports or other outside activities. We have a live-in roommate who helps with dishes and laundry during the week. We cannot afford to pay much, so we basically exchange room and board for some help. When the babies are awake, we can't really get anything done, so all our school work is done during their nap times. My husband has given me Monday nights and Sunday mornings "off." This really helps to keep me sane. I take that time to do personal things I want to do, like read, sleep, etc. I try to get up early to spend time with the Lord, but I also love to stay up late enjoying the peace and quiet after the kids are in bed, so my sleep/wake schedule is pretty inconsistent.

I hope that these posts help someone see that it doesn't take a Supermom to homeschool. It just takes an ordinary mom (or dad) who is willing to say yes to God's invitation to daily sow into her children's hearts, even when it's a struggle. A Supermom wouldn't do, actually. Not at all. It takes a weak one.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong" (1 Corinthians 12:10b).

Unfinished Thoughts

Now that I have been mother to an adopted child of another race for a few months, I have a few thoughts to share. They are a small contribution to the general discussion about adopting and race issues. I do not consider them well-thought-out or complete. Just me in the process of growing in understanding.

It seems to me that race is not a simple matter of clearly defined labels such as "red and yellow, black and white," though all people are certainly "precious in His sight." People's skin type, hair texture, and features are as varied as the people themselves. Some people are tall (like my husband), others are short (like me), and most fall somewhere in between (where probably most of our children will be). Dry skin crosses genetic and racial lines; it is a characteristic shared by two of my daughters (Laughter and Crown) and me. The reality is that every trait comes in a spectrum. There are infinite variety and combinations. How beautiful! I find it much more interesting than my previous notions that people could be categorized. (Not to mention that many people are not clearly "black" or "white" or anything else anyway; and increasing number of people are a lovely mixture of races, breaking down previously established boundary lines.)

One result of my changing mindset is that I am starting to realize that I don't so much need to learn how to do "black" hair. As I've talked with other moms, I have discovered that there is as much variety in "black" hair as there is in "white" hair (whatever that is). My daughters each have unique hair and skin, and it is my privilege to discover the products and techniques that best care for each of them. (In fact, it has taken me many years to find the right hair and body products for myself as well.)

On a slightly different note, the concept of adoption is a thread weaving itself throughout my consciousness. Last week, I was forced to spend an entire church service in the nursing mom's room enduring my adopted daughter's screams. In some ways, it seems easier to love her patiently in that situation than my birth children. After all, who do I have to be angry at? Myself? For I hunted her down and chose to have her in my life. In no way was she forced on me by chance or providence. Though I love my homegrown kids, my human nature has sometimes struggled not to resent their ubiquitous presence in my life. (I'm just being honest here.) I know it's a wrong attitude, and as I pray and mature, I learn to see them as a blessing and a privilege. Recently, I realized that if these very same children were in need of adoption, I would gladly welcome them into my home. There is no way I would allow them to be orphans if there was anything I could do about it. And suddenly, I found that they are incredibly precious. No longer simply extensions of myself, they are unique treasures in their own right. This may sound strange, but in my heart I decided to "adopt" every one of them. I kind of laugh at myself, because that thought makes me like them more! In some way, isn't that God's heart as well? He made us, true, but He also chose us, adopted us as His sons and daughters.

A Baby Break

My babies have been at their grandparents' house for the past 24 hours. It's the first time they've been away from home overnight. I've enjoyed having a bit of a break from the complicated round of diapers, bottles, naps, and laundry which make up much of my daily life. I have been able to relax a bit with only my 7-, 5-, 4-, and 2-year-old children to think about. This morning I had to change only one diaper before breakfast. I was able to eat my own food without spooning food into two other mouths between my own bites. I found myself reflecting that if we had made some different choices last year, this could be my life. Much simpler. A bit quieter. Less stressful. I must admit, it was kind of nice.

I knew that I needed some perspective. So, the next time I went into the bathroom, I picked up the most recent issue of Lifelines magazine that we receive from Bethany Christian Services. With a prayer in my heart that God would restore me to His perspective, I opened it up and read about families who have adopted. My heart resonated when I read one mom's words, "We were comfortable in our routine, yet I knew that we weren't put on this earth to be 'comfortable.'" I read profiles of children who need to be adopted and cried as I prayed that God would place them in families. (Yes, I read and cry and pray in the bathroom. It's sometimes the only place I can be alone!)

Later, I read some articles on the Above Rubies website. Then I went to my Google Reader and saw Stephanie's post. (I am so glad to know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. God knew what I needed to read today!)

I did enjoy the break. It was nice to have time to get my refrigerator cleaned this morning with my girls' help while Saltracer (hubby) took the boys on errands with him. And I didn't quite feel ready for the babies to come home as soon as they did. But we all have a choice. We can invest in our own comfort, or we can invest in others. I have made my choice. If I could go back to last year and decide all over again, I know that I would not change a thing. Besides, I did miss my babies a little bit. :)

"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it" (Matthew 16:25; also in Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, and Luke 17:33)

I am not living for today. I am living for eternity. Then I will rest. Until then, I am resting in faith that He is sufficient for today.

True Beauty

Last spring, while Paul and I were in Las Vegas (he was attending a business conference), I had the wonderful opportunity to spend uninterrupted time alone with the Lord, seeking Him and letting Him speak to my heart. I found, to my dismay, that I was overwhelmed by the false images of beauty that surrounded me there. I couldn't just dismiss them as I'd hoped. Every billboard and sign seemed to mock me with how far short my body fell of the ideal presented. I knew that Paul said he found me beautiful, but I had such a hard time believing him. I knew that God must see things differently than what was presented there, but I couldn't imagine how. So, that first day, I spent the morning asking God to reveal true beauty to me. His answer so far exceeded my expectations that I have not struggled with this issue in a serious way since. (I had been struggling with this for years, ever since our rather disappointing honeymoon experience which I have shared in person before and may blog about sometime.)

Today I read a blog post that made me realize many women struggle with this issue. So I think it's time for me to share what God shared with me. Here is an excerpt from my journal. I hope it helps someone else as it's helped me.

Lord, teach me what is beautiful to You. You call me beautiful and flawless (Song of Songs 4:7). So does my husband. But I have such a hard time believing it. This week in Las Vegas, surrounded by seductive beauty advertised on billboards, signs, and flyers, I am confronted with the kind of beauty I inwardly desire. I compare myself to it. I feel that if I could attain it I could capture my husband's heart more fully. For if I looked more like those women, wouldn't he be so satisfied with me that he'd lose the temptation ever to look at another? Can't I have that kind of beauty?

This is how the Lord answered me in the quiet place of my listening heart:

"No, my beloved. I don't want your heart to lust after that kind of beauty. It is passing at best. I want you to pursue the kind of beauty that captures My heart. You already have this kind of beauty, and you are growing more beautiful daily. Let me remove the false idol from your heart.

"I am altogether lovely (Song of Songs 5:16). Do you think that I look like a fertility goddess? No, I look like My Son. Am I less because I look like a humble servant? A broken, bleeding man on a cross? That is the kind of beauty I want for you.

"Beauty is your face laughing at the day to come as you so fully rely of Me that its challenges don't daunt you (Proverbs 31:25). Beauty is your eyes looking with love on the ones I have given into your care. Beauty is your hair tied back so it isn't in your way while you work. Beauty is your body getting up in the morning to seek me and prepare breakfast for your family. Beauty is your belly stretched and marked by carrying My children. Beauty is your heart that keeps giving, your back that keeps bending, your hands that keep serving even when you are weary.

"Your husband does not desire to embrace another woman. That is why he turns away his eyes when their images are flaunted before him. He knows that they are a deception. I have already removed that false idol from his heart. Let me remove it from yours as well.

"Your husband does desire to embrace you, his wife. You are the one who serves him and his children and then, at the end of the day, turns to him with a heart full of love. Your body is beautiful to him. He does not see scars and callouses. He sees love.

"How could he not love you? He loves Me. He loves what I love. You are my good and perfect gift to him (James 1:17), matched to him in every way. You are the one he needs and wants. He desires no other to share his bed, his heart, and his life.

"Just as My Son did not wear his full glory when He walked the earth, neither do you. Just as He will soon be revealed in His full beauty, so will you. The world does not value His beauty. He was despised and rejected by men (Isaiah 53:3). But those who have eyes to see know that His beauty surpasses all others.

"I have eyes to see your beauty, My beloved. And you have captured your husband's heart with just one glance (Song of Songs 4:9). He is captivated by you. You are a work of art, My masterpiece. I see it, and so does he. Receive his love. Receive My love."

I pray that these words minister to your heart as they minister to mine.

I Will Trust You

How to even express what I am thinking? I am grieving for Derek's wife Renee, for his children, for his brother and sister-in-law, for his nieces and nephews, and for the rest of his family and community. But I am also grieving for myself. I lost a hero this week. He was more than a preacher I heard once. He was a knight in shining armor, riding fearlessly into the dragon's cave and rescuing damsels in distress. He was a husband adored by his beautiful wife. He was a father who poured out his heart for his children. The frustrating thing is saying "he was." Why am I not saying "he is"? He should still be here with us. Still riding out ahead, still making wrong things right, one life at a time.

To quote Randy Bohlender, "This really stinks."

"God, help me understand! What are You doing? What are You thinking?" These are the questions that have hit me really hard today.

Derek still "is." To put it in Jesus' words, Derek has fallen asleep. But then why can't we wake him? Why can't he wake up tomorrow, kiss his wife, swing his kids around in his arms, and venture out to save the world again? For one simple reason: he "is," but he is not "here." "Here" is where we want him to be. God, send him back! Why did you take him now?

I feel like I'm looking at a picture of reality from one perspective. From here it looks like sadness and tears. The colors are flat, dark, and dreary. If I could just tilt my head a little one way or another I would see in 3D and the picture would suddenly become breathtakingly beautiful. It would be infused with light and color, and all the darkness I see now would become the contrast against which God's perfect plan would shine more brightly.

One question that I have heard whispered in my soul is this, "Who are you trusting in?" Oh, that hurts to hear, but there is comfort in it too. Whose job is it, really, to care for Renee and her children? Ultimately, it is God's. He is their true joy, their true protector, their true provider. He is the rescuer of the innocent, the comforter of the brokenhearted. Derek was bright because His Spirit shone through him. And HE has not left them. He will not.

You WILL NOT forsake them. Never. Not ever.

And so, though the picture has not yet shifted for me, I will trust You.

To quote Stephen Curtis Chapman, "Though this first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever."*

Let forever come.

*(From "Our God Is in Control" on the album Beauty Will Rise.)

Waiting to be Delivered

I have been thinking a lot the past week or two about the parallels between waiting for a baby to be born and waiting for Jesus to come back. In the case of birth, I have to be in a constant state of readiness. Bags are packed and contingency plans are made to be ready to head to the hospital at a moment's notice. At the same time, my daily life has to be lived: children cared for, meals made, relationships maintained, etc. There is this constant tension between what is right now and what could be at any moment. It can be wearying, and not only on me. Our whole family is feeling it. We are learning in the process to enjoy the moments we have while always anticipating what we know is coming.

Today has been a good day. Our work for the week done (amazing!), we just had fun together. Nothing big, just playing and laughing and loving. Going to the park this afternoon, reading together, taking a walk after dinner. But every now and then one of the kids would look at my large belly and say, "I wish Tayan would come out right now." "Me too," I responded. When we were putting him to bed, Cedar said, "I want Tayan to come out so I can see if he has red hair like me." Me too, honey.

As we sat on the back porch this evening, the kids sucking the last of the juice out of their popsicle sleeves and wishing they had more, we started daydreaming about the joys we look forward to in Heaven (i.e., never-ending fountains of popsicle juice or - my favorite fantasy - of chocolate!). I know that I don't long for eternity with the intensity that I desire to be delivered of this baby. I don't know how I could stand to live with that level of longing all the time. But I also don't want to become complacent and content with this present world.

So when I read these words in The Message today, they struck me as very appropriate.

"... I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs ... yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good" (Romans 8:18-28, emphasis mine).

Amen! Come, little Tayan. And come, Lord Jesus!

In Las Vegas, part 3: A Prayer

This week, as I read the following in Song 3:1-3. I felt that it was a picture of the hearts of the people in Las Vegas and in our nation/culture:

"Night after night on my bed I looked for the man I love. I looked for him, but I didn't find him. 'I will get up now and roam the city, through the streets and open places, I will look for the man I love.' I looked for him, but I didn't find him. The guards roaming the city found me. 'Have you seen the man I love?'"

Day after day, night after night, they are looking for the One they love. They may not even realize Who it is they are really looking for. But they don't find Him, so they go look for him in the public places, asking the "guards" for help. The wisdom of the age (represented by the guards) tells them that they will find it by satisfying their lusts, by filling themselves with any pleasure available. So they participate willingly, giving themselves to one another and to whatever pleasure presents itself. They even leave thinking that they have been filled. But they have not found what they are looking for, because the guards don't know how to point them to Him.

"Scarcely had I left them, when I found the man I love. I took hold of him and would not let him go until I had brought him to my mother's house, to the bedroom of the woman who conceived me. I warn you ... not to awaken or stir up love until it wants to arise!" (Song 3:4-5).

Lord, You are the love for which they are searching. You are the magnificent obsession for which they are hungry. Reveal Yourself to them. Help them to stop listening to the "guards" and instead to pass them by, determined to find what truly satisfies. And let them find You, take hold of You, and not let You go. Go with them into the deepest, most intimate places of their hearts and bring healing, hope, and restoration. Let them not be awakened by counterfeit loves, but to arise into Your love. Satisfy them, Lord. Bring their dryness to an end. In all their searching, may they find You and be filled.

In Las Vegas, part 2: Random Impressions

It's amazing how full my days have been even when I have most of the day to myself in a hotel room. Those long, luxurious baths and naps really eat up the time! :) But I have been wanting to post a short list of impressions of this ugly, beautiful city.

1) A pleasant surprise greeted us when we arrived at the Las Vegas airport: clean(er than we expected) air! We had prepared ourselves to be hit by a wall of smoke when we arrived, since that's what had happened last time we flew here about three years ago. We couldn't figure out what was going on until we got to the casino (marveling that we could still breathe even here) and spotted a sign explaining the new "Nevada Clean Air Act" which has been passed by voters. Hallelujah! No headaches this time!

2) A not-so pleasant surprise while driving to our hotel: the sight of five men lining the sidewalk on the Las Vegas Strip wearing neon green, yellow, and orange shirts emblazoned with the words "Girls Direct" It was literally a gauntlet that everyone walking on that side of the street had to pass through. I was glad to see that all the people I saw pass through it were refusing to take the flyers the pimps were trying to force on them. It's amazing how institutionalized and open prostitution is here. I've heard about it but had never before seen the evidence with my own eyes. (Thankfully I have been mostly protected from this during our stay since I haven't been outside much. Paul, on the other hand, has had to face it every day. He has gotten so mad that he wants to take a machete to the "news" bins carrying porn. Instead, he picks up as much of the trashy trash as he can on his daily walks to and from the conference center and dumps it in the nearest dumpster.)

3) Circus Circus at 6am: Did you realize that casinos actually close? Well, not the slot machines. I have seen people at those at every time of the day and night. But the restaurants, shops, and vendors actually do close down for the night. Trying to find hot coffee at 6am is not that easy. But I have grown to enjoy those morning walks to the Krispy Kreme shop. The casino is relatively peaceful. Few people are awake, no one is trying to get your attention, and the only people to be seen are other early risers looking for coffee. There's a sort of cameraderie that is completely gone by 8am when everyone and everything else starts waking up. Though it is a bit surreal to walk through the empty halls of a "circus." Zoltar the fortune teller still talks to you when you walk by. It sort of feels like that scene in the 80's movie, "Big."

4) After spending several days here, I both love and hate Las Vegas more than ever. She can be so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. She is meant to be a jewel, but she has settled for being a cheap thrill. (It was sort of sad-funny to see a woman trying to talk us into discounted show tickets search vainly in her book for something "clean" in her book. She finally gave up and acknowledged that she probably had nothing to interest us. Here eyes seemed to say, "So why are you here?" We were sort of wondering the same thing at the time!)

Time to go get the coffee! I hope to post at least one more time before we head home tomorrow.

In Las Vegas, part 1

We got away!!! After six weeks of nearly continuous illness in our household, Salt Racer is still recovering from pink eye, but thankfully the rest of us haven't gotten it this time. And our wonderful, stupendous family all decided to go ahead and watch our kids anyway so that my hubby and I can get away together for a week in Las Vegas. (He has a conference to attend for work and invited me to come along so I can rest during the day and we can hang out - alone together! - at night.)

This morning we got up early and had breakfast together before he went to his conference for the day. This was fun: I got up while he was still sleeping and went on a trek to find coffee for him. At home the past couple of weeks I've been getting him hot tea in the morning to help him wake up earlier, so it felt really good to still be able to do that for him this morning even though I had to be more creative in finding where to get it in a casino at 6am when everything is mostly closed.

Coming here has been such an adventure already! Surrounded by so much that is really bad, we were feeling a bit out of place last night as we were arriving and getting checked in. Then, as we stood in line at registration, I remembered how when I was a kid traveling with my parents, we could go anywhere and it never fazed me at all because I was with them. So many strange places that we ended up sometimes: casinos, bars, even beaches in Europe with people who didn't think the top parts of their swimsuits were necessary. But as a child, I was hardly affected by my surroundings because I was secure in my parents' care. When I told Paul what I was thinking, he said, "There's something to learn there." We began to realize that we still don't need to worry because we are with our God-Daddy, and He is just as much with us here as anywhere else.

As we continued discussing this (mostly me philosophizing and he nodding his head agreeably), a lady motioned for us to follow her to register. We followed her past all the computer stations and then she motioned for us to go through double doors at the end of the counter labeled "VIP - Invited Guests Only." Our mouths dropped open. We grinning at each other as we realized that our Abba was telling us very plainly, "Yes, you are here with Me, and I am taking care of you. Don't be afraid. Trust Me." It was so powerful that we just sort of walked away on a cloud. We felt surrounded by His favor and love!

Anyway, now I am making my schedule for the day so I don't wonder what to do by myself in a hotel room all day. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so used to having my schedule dictated by others' needs that I feel a little lost. I thought a schedule might help me feel a bit more grounded (even if I don't follow it strictly, at least it gives me something to come back to when I finish whatever I'm doing). I've got all our stuff unpacked and arranged so it feels a little more homey here. I'm looking forward to reading my Bible, praying, reading a book, resting, and taking a long bath! Then this evening Paul and I will have dinner together. We are thinking about possibly doing a couple of fun things together this week if it's not too expensive. And, of course, it has to be innocent which is hard to find here. I'm going to look into the possibilities today.

Broken

I have always been a bit clumsy, but it seems like lately there has been a rash of breakages and losses in our house. From the broken serving bowls a couple of weeks ago, lost cell phone and charger (finally found after three weeks) and other miscellaneous things, to today when I broiled the bread rising in the oven, along with the mixing bowl ($50 to replace) and plastic wrap covering it.

This brings up so many emotions ... fear of rejection, frustration, hopelessness, anger ... I don't even know how to respond. What are You showing me in this, Lord? I feel helpless on the outside, and with every break and loss I feel more lost and broken on the inside. So I am coming to You to be mended, healed, and found. Please help me.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

Thoughts on Adoption, part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Why are we doing this? Is it a good idea? Are we hearing God, or just going off half-cocked with good intentions but little wisdom? What will people think? What does God think?

I know what I think. I think we're more than a little crazy. We have four children already. Our oldest is five, and our youngest is five months. There are many days when I wonder how in the world I will survive the next five years--no, minutes. In nearly seven years of marriage, we have yet to go more than nine months of our marriage without getting pregnant, and in addition to our four living children, we have had two miscarriages. In the natural, it makes sense that this would be a time to step back and regroup, not a time to step it up yet again.

And yet.

There is a burning in my heart that will not be ignored. And when I tap into that place, that God-space inside me, all of my objections are burned away in an instant. Suddenly I don't care how tired I am, how messy my house gets, or how much more I have to slow down my life. Suddenly I realize that my life is not getting more complicated by adding more children. No, with each additional child my life becomes less complicated. My focus turns more and more toward home, toward love, toward being. I have much less time and energy for outside activities and lots of doing. Instead, I find myself stopping, looking into little faces, smiling, laughing. Oh, there are still the moments (and they are many) when I think I am going to collapse under the drain of the continual need of the little people in my life. But then I am constrained once again to look at what I am really trying to do, who I am really called to be. To refocus my gaze. To stop trying so hard. To relax and let this season be what it is.

What is this season?

This is not a season for outward accomplishments. This is not a season for pursuing goals. This is not a season for being SuperMom. This is not a season for doing much at all.

And yet ... it is.

It is a season for digging deep. It is a season for gazing at the face of the One I love most in the countenances of His children. For wiping His tears, bandaging His owies, preparing His food, and, yes, even changing His diapers. It is a season for becoming less, less, and then much, much less, while He becomes more, more and more again within me, to me, through me, around me, above me, beneath me, permeating the very air I breathe.

It is a season for becoming, for discovering who I am in His heart as all my outward identities are stripped away. A season for being hidden in the palm of His hand, being fed from His table, and delighting in the intimacy of His gaze. A season for knowing that, though I am mostly invisible to the outside world, though most of my accomplishments go unnoticed, He sees. A season for learning that that is enough. It is more than enough. It is everything.

It is a season for learning that He is enough.

I meant to focus on adoption in this post, but my heart is so full that I couldn't even get that far. Think of this as the preamble. I have much more to share another time. For now, wherever you may be, whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself, I pray that in that very place you will find God. He is so worth finding that all the struggle becomes nothing compared with the delight of knowing Him.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:17-18 NKJV)

An Honorable Calling?

Yesterday I was talking with a group of friends about adoption. One lady started asking what kind of adoption each of us desires. I said that my heart is to adopt an African-American baby domestically. She responded, "That is honorable." I kind of did a double take and looked at her, so she repeated herself. "That is really honorable that you would do that." I know that she meant to express approval, but the comment actually bothered me quite a bit. Why should it be honorable to do what seems to me so obvious?

When my husband and I began researching domestic adoption, we heard that it took a long time because domestic babies were in high demand. We had no desire to stand in line to get a baby that will be adopted anyway, so we started asking where the area of need was. Who are the babies that end up being raised in the foster system? We quickly found out that one major group of children who have a hard time finding families are African-American babies. So we immediately decided that we would adopt in that demographic. Why not? Maybe we're naive (certainly some of the reading I have done would try to convince me that we are). Maybe there are issues that I don't understand. But bottom line, these are children who need a family, and we are a family who want more children to love.

Isn't it really that simple? I'm not saying easy; it is never easy to love. Laying down your life day in and day out for another person is always challenging. (I find that true with the four children I already have.) But I don't think Jesus said to love one another when it's easy or when it's convenient. He simply said to love. So why should I place conditions on whom I love? And why should it be more honorable to love one person more than another? Jesus made no such distinctions, and I pray that He will give me the grace to do the same.

So, while I appreciate the intention behind the compliment, I pray that all of our hearts will change until the first thing we see about another person is not the color of their skin, hair, eyes, or any other outward quality, though I find the differences beautiful and fascinating. (And, lest I sound holier-than-thou, let me point out that I still have much growing to do in this area myself.) When we look at one another, may we first see a brother to love.

Lord, please give us the grace to really love one another the way You love us.

Expectations

Thoughts about me
Thoughts about others
Good, bad
Rehearsed
Over and over
Again and again

Poison
Fogging mind
Impairing thinking
Clouding emotions
Veiling eyes

Blinded
From Your Face
Deaf
To Your Voice
Disabled
From discernement

Cleanse me
From heady addiction
To praise and censure
Temporary highs
Terrible lows
Distracting from reality

Help me see, hear, know
Only You
Letting others' opinions go
Even my own
Hoarding no thoughts but Yours
Listening only to Your voice
Believing only what You say
For You alone are Truth
Freedom