True Beauty

Last spring, while Paul and I were in Las Vegas (he was attending a business conference), I had the wonderful opportunity to spend uninterrupted time alone with the Lord, seeking Him and letting Him speak to my heart. I found, to my dismay, that I was overwhelmed by the false images of beauty that surrounded me there. I couldn't just dismiss them as I'd hoped. Every billboard and sign seemed to mock me with how far short my body fell of the ideal presented. I knew that Paul said he found me beautiful, but I had such a hard time believing him. I knew that God must see things differently than what was presented there, but I couldn't imagine how. So, that first day, I spent the morning asking God to reveal true beauty to me. His answer so far exceeded my expectations that I have not struggled with this issue in a serious way since. (I had been struggling with this for years, ever since our rather disappointing honeymoon experience which I have shared in person before and may blog about sometime.)

Today I read a blog post that made me realize many women struggle with this issue. So I think it's time for me to share what God shared with me. Here is an excerpt from my journal. I hope it helps someone else as it's helped me.

Lord, teach me what is beautiful to You. You call me beautiful and flawless (Song of Songs 4:7). So does my husband. But I have such a hard time believing it. This week in Las Vegas, surrounded by seductive beauty advertised on billboards, signs, and flyers, I am confronted with the kind of beauty I inwardly desire. I compare myself to it. I feel that if I could attain it I could capture my husband's heart more fully. For if I looked more like those women, wouldn't he be so satisfied with me that he'd lose the temptation ever to look at another? Can't I have that kind of beauty?

This is how the Lord answered me in the quiet place of my listening heart:

"No, my beloved. I don't want your heart to lust after that kind of beauty. It is passing at best. I want you to pursue the kind of beauty that captures My heart. You already have this kind of beauty, and you are growing more beautiful daily. Let me remove the false idol from your heart.

"I am altogether lovely (Song of Songs 5:16). Do you think that I look like a fertility goddess? No, I look like My Son. Am I less because I look like a humble servant? A broken, bleeding man on a cross? That is the kind of beauty I want for you.

"Beauty is your face laughing at the day to come as you so fully rely of Me that its challenges don't daunt you (Proverbs 31:25). Beauty is your eyes looking with love on the ones I have given into your care. Beauty is your hair tied back so it isn't in your way while you work. Beauty is your body getting up in the morning to seek me and prepare breakfast for your family. Beauty is your belly stretched and marked by carrying My children. Beauty is your heart that keeps giving, your back that keeps bending, your hands that keep serving even when you are weary.

"Your husband does not desire to embrace another woman. That is why he turns away his eyes when their images are flaunted before him. He knows that they are a deception. I have already removed that false idol from his heart. Let me remove it from yours as well.

"Your husband does desire to embrace you, his wife. You are the one who serves him and his children and then, at the end of the day, turns to him with a heart full of love. Your body is beautiful to him. He does not see scars and callouses. He sees love.

"How could he not love you? He loves Me. He loves what I love. You are my good and perfect gift to him (James 1:17), matched to him in every way. You are the one he needs and wants. He desires no other to share his bed, his heart, and his life.

"Just as My Son did not wear his full glory when He walked the earth, neither do you. Just as He will soon be revealed in His full beauty, so will you. The world does not value His beauty. He was despised and rejected by men (Isaiah 53:3). But those who have eyes to see know that His beauty surpasses all others.

"I have eyes to see your beauty, My beloved. And you have captured your husband's heart with just one glance (Song of Songs 4:9). He is captivated by you. You are a work of art, My masterpiece. I see it, and so does he. Receive his love. Receive My love."

I pray that these words minister to your heart as they minister to mine.

Please pray for the Louxes

I am heartbroken today for Derek Loux's family. He died in a car accident. You can read about it here.

Derek came to our church last year and spoke passionately about orphans, adoption and human trafficking. It was at that meeting that the Lord confirmed to Paul and my hearts that we were to begin the process of adoption. As a result, we have been blessed with our beautiful daughter, Atarah Alana Michelle. I just talked with a friend who also adopted this year, and she said that the Lord put adoption on her and her husband's hearts as a result of his message that night as well. It was not only his words but the fact that he lived out his message that made it so compelling.

Some of the things that he said have never left my heart. One was his encouragement to say YES to God regarding caring for widows and orphans according to James 1:27 and Isaiah 58. To go ahead and go for it even if it seems impossible (in our situation, already having four young children, and as it turns out, also getting pregnant partway through the process). God is our good shepherd, he reminded us, and He won't give us more than He gives us the ability to handle. So He will close doors if needed.

Another one that we often laugh at (as we relate all too well) is that he would rather say a few cuss words now and then by being stretched with a challenging life than live safely and never allow his character to be tested as he lives all-out for God. (He said it much better than that, of course.)

And, my husband's favorite, "I am no good at selling myself, but I can sell orphans. Wait, I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

I can't help but think how wrong it is that the family of such an outspoken advocate for widows and orphans now has lost their own husband and father. But I saw on their blog that they were recently able to go on vacation together as a family. My heart is comforted with the evidence that God was not surprised by this, as He gave them sweet times together just in the past few weeks. I am praying that He will use Derek's passing to WREAK HAVOC on Satan and all his diabolical plans.

Please keep this precious family in your prayers.

Praise Report and Prayer Request

Click on picture to see entire album:

2009-08 Tayan

We want to praise God for the healthy delivery of our son, Tayan Glenn Swagerty! After five hours of relatively easy labor and an intense half hour at the end, he was born 9 lb. 3 oz., 21.5 inches, at 9:34am on Sunday, August 9. We are so glad that God started the labor naturally before our scheduled inducement. Tay is simply a joy, very peaceful, and eats like a horse! He also looks a lot like his namesake, "GoPa" Glenn.

We also ask for continued prayer for Michelle's recovery. Several hours after the birth, Michelle started hemorrhaging. She lost a good deal of blood. The doctors and nurses were considering a transfusion but decided not to after things started to turn around. Thanks to the diligent prayer covering and the skill of the medical staff, she was released the next day to recuperate at home. Paul and Laura are caring for Michelle, Tayan, and Alana at home while our older children are cared for by other family members.

Daddy Paul asks that you please be considerate of our children's little ears regarding what you may have heard or think you know about what happened to their Mommy last Sunday.

Thank you again and again for all your prayers and love during this pregnancy and birth.

We're Adopting! Please Pray!

We just received word yesterday of a precious baby girl born on May 20th who was in need of a family. After a whirlwind of phone calls and emails, we were placed in contact with the birth mother today at 11am. We were able to talk with her for a very long time on the phone and just fell in love with her (and she with us)! So what that means is that we are suddenly leaving for Shreveport, LA Tuesday morning to pick up our new baby girl. We will be arriving in Shreveport Wednesday morning to begin the paperwork process.

We covet your prayers as we travel during this very emotional time. Please pray that things will flow smoothly and the paperwork angels will bring their 'A' game. :) Also for the peace that passes understanding for everyone involved.

The baby's birth name is "Alana Michelle". We are in awe of the fact that the birth mother gave her such a perfect name since Alan is Paul's middle name and of course Michelle.

If you would like to be part of what God is doing please click the PayPal button at the top of the page and you can donate. Every little bit helps.

Adoption Update!

So we were able to talk with the agency today and get more information about our baby's birth mother and the overall situation. It is starting to look like this might really happen! We are hoping to talk with the birth mother later this week by phone conference. That will be our "match meeting," after which she and we will confirm whether we still feel right about going forward. I am so nervous about that conversation! I'm sure she is too. Then, assuming all goes well, we will sign the contracts and move forward.

Please pray for our conversation to be relaxed and filled with peace.

Also, please be praying that the Lord brings in the funds we need. We have been saving all we can and have enough to get started, but since the baby is due in just a few weeks the full amount will be due very quickly (not sure yet just how quickly--we're hoping for a bit of leniency in this area). We are still figuring out what exactly the full amount will come to.

We know that all of this is no problem for our Abba! He has made the way before us up to now, and we know that if this is His will, He will continue to do so. All of our trust is in Him!

In Las Vegas, part 3: A Prayer

This week, as I read the following in Song 3:1-3. I felt that it was a picture of the hearts of the people in Las Vegas and in our nation/culture:

"Night after night on my bed I looked for the man I love. I looked for him, but I didn't find him. 'I will get up now and roam the city, through the streets and open places, I will look for the man I love.' I looked for him, but I didn't find him. The guards roaming the city found me. 'Have you seen the man I love?'"

Day after day, night after night, they are looking for the One they love. They may not even realize Who it is they are really looking for. But they don't find Him, so they go look for him in the public places, asking the "guards" for help. The wisdom of the age (represented by the guards) tells them that they will find it by satisfying their lusts, by filling themselves with any pleasure available. So they participate willingly, giving themselves to one another and to whatever pleasure presents itself. They even leave thinking that they have been filled. But they have not found what they are looking for, because the guards don't know how to point them to Him.

"Scarcely had I left them, when I found the man I love. I took hold of him and would not let him go until I had brought him to my mother's house, to the bedroom of the woman who conceived me. I warn you ... not to awaken or stir up love until it wants to arise!" (Song 3:4-5).

Lord, You are the love for which they are searching. You are the magnificent obsession for which they are hungry. Reveal Yourself to them. Help them to stop listening to the "guards" and instead to pass them by, determined to find what truly satisfies. And let them find You, take hold of You, and not let You go. Go with them into the deepest, most intimate places of their hearts and bring healing, hope, and restoration. Let them not be awakened by counterfeit loves, but to arise into Your love. Satisfy them, Lord. Bring their dryness to an end. In all their searching, may they find You and be filled.

Tiller Going to Trial Today

Tiller is going to trial today for illegally aborting many, many babies. Oh, how I remember praying outside his abortion clinic and outside his home as a teenager that God would put an end to his atrocities. Lord, answer our prayers! And in Your kindness, lead him to repentance!

Keep praying!

Broken

I have always been a bit clumsy, but it seems like lately there has been a rash of breakages and losses in our house. From the broken serving bowls a couple of weeks ago, lost cell phone and charger (finally found after three weeks) and other miscellaneous things, to today when I broiled the bread rising in the oven, along with the mixing bowl ($50 to replace) and plastic wrap covering it.

This brings up so many emotions ... fear of rejection, frustration, hopelessness, anger ... I don't even know how to respond. What are You showing me in this, Lord? I feel helpless on the outside, and with every break and loss I feel more lost and broken on the inside. So I am coming to You to be mended, healed, and found. Please help me.

Adoption News

Thank you so much for continuing to pray with us about this situation that we have been presented with this week. What an exciting, emotional week it has been for us!

So it looks like this situation is not for us. The agency is simply not willing to budge on the fees, and we don't have the time (and are not prepared) to be able to raise that amount of money that quickly. They said that they will look for another family for him. So we are continuing to pray that God will place him in just the right family!

Our home study should hopefully be completed next week (we just found out yesterday that there are still a couple of documents missing from our file). Then we will be able to start applying for financial aid and fund raising so that we will be ready when God brings the situation our way that IS for us! We are not in a hurry to make anything happen. We are simply trusting Him in the timing and provision of it all. We're trusting in the leading of our Good Shepherd.

Adoption Update!

Thanks so much for responding quickly to our request for prayer yesterday. We got THE CALL today from the agency in Las Vegas telling us that if we want the baby, he's ours! We have been praying and processing all day ... this is what we have dreamed of for so long. Can it actually be happening? I mean, we have so tried not to push this. We have moved really slowly on our home study, which is still a week away from completion. We have not yet submitted applications to adoption agencies. We have four young children and are pregnant. Through all of this we have questioned and prayed and asked again and again if we are on the right track and every time God has responded with an unequivocal YES! From Paul's raise at the beginning of our home study (which has covered all our adoption expenses so far) to the continued peace we have had (in the midst of our minds telling us we must be crazy) to the fact that we have done NOTHING to get this baby ... He is literally being offered to us without our having done any of the mounds of paperwork and applications and sending out of our profile to several agencies, being presented to different birth moms, waiting to be chosen ... none of that. We were simply called and asked if we were interested, and we say yes! What is this? It must be God, because it certainly isn't our doing, and it isn't what we were prepared to expect.

When I found out that I was pregnant, the first thing I did was to pray, "Lord, what is this about? Are we ahead of you on adoption?" (In my mind, being pregnant could very possibly end our chances of adopting.) "Did we really hear you when we felt you said now is the time? All we want to do is be obedient to you. We don't NEED to adopt. We have plenty of children by birth. But we have such a burden to provide a home to one or more of Your precious orphans. Are we disqualified? Is this not what You have for us?" And then I opened my Bible to continue my daily reading where I had left off the day before. The chapter before me was John 21, and the words came alive as living manna to my heart. The disciples had been fishing all night with no success, and then Jesus came and told them to throw their nets on the other side of the boat. They wondered, is it really Him? (I was asking the same question, is this really You, Lord, telling us to adopt right now?) They did what He said and then their nets were so full that they couldn't pull them into the boat, but their nets didn't break. I asked God how this applied to me, and He said, "I have an abundance for you, so much that you cannot pull it in without Me. But your nets will not break!" This was challenging to me, but encouraging, so I read on. Later in the chapter, Jesus' question to Peter again pierced my heart. "Do you love Me?" Yes, Jesus, you know that I love you. So very, very much. "Then feed my lambs." Is that all You really need to be able to use me, Lord? Just my love for You? Well, You have it. If You can use it to feed Your lambs, then bring on the lambs. I may not have much wisdom or energy or natural resources, but I do have love for You. You are welcome to use me to feed Your lambs, and I will trust You to provide for everything we need.

That morning conversation with the Lord has stuck with me the past couple of months as we have continued to say "yes" to adoption. We have known that there is not much we can do to convince anyone to "let" us adopt given our somewhat unusual situation (not being an infertile couple and pregnant). But we also knew that if this is what God had for us, then nothing would stand in the way of Him bringing the child He intended for us into our home. We simply did our part to be ready.

So at this point we need your continued prayers. We will be talking to the agency tomorrow to let them know that we are willing to adopt this precious little boy and to work out the details. Please pray that we have favor with them, especially regarding the finances. We are hoping they will be able to come down a bit on the adoption fees, which we have been told will come to about $23,000. We know that the money is no problem for God, but we want to do our part in being good stewards. Also, we will be doing some quick fund raising and applying for financial aid because part of the fees will be due immediately and the rest (I believe) when he is born. So we don't have much time. But ultimately, that's God's problem, not ours, since this was all His idea in the first place. We are praying and believing to be able to do this without going into debt.

Please pray with us that if this is our son, nothing will stop him from coming into our home!

Possible Match Today?

Please be praying for us today! We just got a call this morning from Christian Adoption Consultants about a baby boy who is due to be born around Feb. 13 in Las Vegas. The agency wants to make a match today, and we are being presented to them as a possibility! Please pray 1) that God would direct the agency as they choose a family for this little boy (apparently the agency is choosing in this case, not the birth parents), and 2) that if we are chosen God will provide the money needed quickly! I am working on applying for grants today.

Feeling Better Today

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me. I am doing better today. Nothing has become very clear yet. The good news is that the bleeding has slowed. Yesterday it was very light and today I have seen no blood. Still a little cramping but nothing severe. I saw my doctor yesterday who ordered blood tests and an ultrasound to find out how the baby is doing, so we should be getting results sometime this week. In the meantime I'm continuing to take it easy. My sister, Christal, is helping me out this week as well as our friend, Anne, and my mother in law, Helen. These amazing people simply volunteered to help out; we didn't ask anyone! God completely amazes me how He takes care of us all the time.

Please Pray for Me

Please pray for me today. Saturday evening I started bleeding (like a light period) and it hasn't stopped (though it has slowed down). I also have been having some mild cramping and lower back pain. Hubby has been taking care of the kids and house for the past couple of days, but he needs to go back to work today. The house is messy, which always depresses me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding an appointment today. The heater went out yesterday, so we're waiting for our rental agency to send someone to fix it. We have space heaters all over the house which thankfully are doing a pretty good job fending off the cold. I really need a shower and just want to cry. I know all these things are merely circumstantial, but I'm having a hard time with my perspective today. I know that everyone can relate to "one of those" days/weekends/whatever. Worst of all is that I feel all messed up inside, like none of my thoughts are right. I REALLY need God's perspective today.

Moment of Grace

 

Yesterday was a really hard day. I cried a lot of tears while crying out to the Lord. But in the morning, there was this bright, peaceful moment. Something (One my heart knows well) told me to take pictures and remember. The kids and I sat on a blanket on our picnic table (the only dry spot in the back yard) to pray and read the Bible together. I want to thank You publicly, Lord, for this moment of grace.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.

Proverb of the Day: Proverbs 18:2

A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart. (Pro 18:2 NKJV)

Ouch. That hits close to home. Too often, I answer before I listen. And even if I do hear and retain what the other person says, I don’t acknowledge their input, for I am more focused on “expressing [my] own heart.” I am sure that leaves them feeling unheard, for my husband has expressed that in many ways. In fact, he’s the reason I even know that I do it. Lord, please make me aware when I am conversing with others. Help me to “delight in understanding” more than in finding that perfect way to communicate what I am thinking.

Wow. That word “expressing” means “to denude (especially in a disgraceful sense); by implication to exile (captives being usually stripped); figuratively to reveal: - + advertise, appear, bewray, bring, (carry, lead, go) captive (into captivity), depart, disclose, discover, exile, be gone, open, X plainly, publish, remove, reveal, X shamelessly, shew, X surely, tell, uncover” (Strong’s).

What are You saying to me, Lord?

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Pro 18:21 NKJV)

Oh.

He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. (Pro 18:13 NKJV)

That’s me.

The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. (Pro 18:15 NKJV)

Lord, help me to speak much less and to listen much more. Let my heart stop trying so hard to express itself (which merely exposes my foolishness) and instead love to acquire knowledge by hearing what my husband, my children, and others are saying. In fact, please help me to stop listening to my own thoughts as much and instead be attentive to Your voice.

Today, in Your strength, I will close my mouth and open my ears. “Zip your lips, little Michelle, and put on your listening ears.” How many times in my life have I heard similar words? Have I ever truly heeded them? Oh, that today might be the day that I begin to hear. Jesus, may it be so.

Crying Out

I cried out to God with my voice, to God with my voice; and He gave ear to me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled; I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah (Psa 77:1-3 NKJV)

“Days of trouble must be days of prayer, days of inward trouble especially, when God seems to have withdrawn from us; we must seek him and seek till we find him” (Matthew Henry, commentary on Ps.77:1-10).

Lord, I will cry out to You until You come and teach my heart to rejoice again in You. I am overwhelmed, but I will not distract myself from the pain. I will press in to You until I find You in this day, this house, these children, this work, and this body of flesh in which You dwell. Give me hope. Teach me patience. Pour Your love into my heart and my children’s.

A Home Educator's Prayer

Lord, You are holding everything in Your hands, perfectly in control. Please intervene on behalf of parents in California and in our nation. Please don’t let control of our children’s education pass from parents’ hands to the hands of the state. We have seen in socialist countries what that can do to a nation and to children. (In Germany, it turned them into Nazi Youth who supported the atrocities the government ordered.) That is diametrically opposed to Your way of training and educating children. You gave that right and responsibility to parents. We will stand before You and account for what we taught them and allowed them to be taught. Please wake up the church and parents to realize what a precious responsibility this is, and help us not to give up our rights without a fight. We stand in confidence before You, knowing that You are the one who can and will act on our behalf. Though we cannot move our government to act righteously, You can. Please be our advocate, and let those in places of influence be moved to correct this situation—no, let this even be turned from a defeat for home schooling into a great victory. Give us back the ground that the enemy has taken. Let this become a great defeat for the powers of darkness that would steal the hearts and minds of our children.

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Imperfect Parenting

“It finally dawned on me that I had asked something of my parents that they could never be: I had wanted them to love me as only God can love me. And I wanted to love my kids as only God could love them.

“In short, either I was setting up rivals for God or I was trying to compete with God—both are efforts doomed to failure. I finally came to a major crossroads: instead of competing with God, I realized God had called me to focus my efforts on introducing my kids to God, even using my own failures and inadequacies as compelling causes for my children to find their refuge in him.

“What will it be for you? Will you try to compete with God, or will you work to introduce your children to the one true God?” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls, p. 44).

Lord, please help me give up trying to be the perfect parent, the perfect representative of You to my children. Instead, may I live repentant before my children to help them recognize that You are the only one who can love them perfectly.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me. (Psalm 27:10 NKJV)

Though I do not want to, I know that I daily let my kids down in many ways. You, however, are the perfect parent that they need. Help them to find You and to be secure in Your love, and help me to forgive myself when I fall short.