Waiting to be Delivered

I have been thinking a lot the past week or two about the parallels between waiting for a baby to be born and waiting for Jesus to come back. In the case of birth, I have to be in a constant state of readiness. Bags are packed and contingency plans are made to be ready to head to the hospital at a moment's notice. At the same time, my daily life has to be lived: children cared for, meals made, relationships maintained, etc. There is this constant tension between what is right now and what could be at any moment. It can be wearying, and not only on me. Our whole family is feeling it. We are learning in the process to enjoy the moments we have while always anticipating what we know is coming.

Today has been a good day. Our work for the week done (amazing!), we just had fun together. Nothing big, just playing and laughing and loving. Going to the park this afternoon, reading together, taking a walk after dinner. But every now and then one of the kids would look at my large belly and say, "I wish Tayan would come out right now." "Me too," I responded. When we were putting him to bed, Cedar said, "I want Tayan to come out so I can see if he has red hair like me." Me too, honey.

As we sat on the back porch this evening, the kids sucking the last of the juice out of their popsicle sleeves and wishing they had more, we started daydreaming about the joys we look forward to in Heaven (i.e., never-ending fountains of popsicle juice or - my favorite fantasy - of chocolate!). I know that I don't long for eternity with the intensity that I desire to be delivered of this baby. I don't know how I could stand to live with that level of longing all the time. But I also don't want to become complacent and content with this present world.

So when I read these words in The Message today, they struck me as very appropriate.

"... I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs ... yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good" (Romans 8:18-28, emphasis mine).

Amen! Come, little Tayan. And come, Lord Jesus!

40 Weeks Plus 2 Days

Our life has been rather on hold for the past couple of weeks since we really expected to have delivered this baby by now! (Our previous three were all delivered by 39 weeks, so naturally we thought Tayan would be too. His estimated date of delivery was August 5.) So today, since we are still waiting, we decided to make this a fun day for our family. No chores, just play! Here we are at Lonetree Park meeting Daddy for lunch and water play.

The Heart of a Mother

Here is a beautiful article about life by Lorraine V. Murray. This is so encouraging to me with our surprise baby #5, because it reflects my heart.

Most life stories of great men open with their births. But in the case of the greatest man ever born, a man who was also God, the story starts with the actual moment of his conception.

And what a poignant moment it was, when an angel told a young girl that she would bear a son and call him “Jesus.” We can imagine her tangle of emotions at hearing this news.

She had to know that she was in danger of being harshly criticized. In fact, in her day, an unmarried woman who became pregnant faced death by stoning.

So when Mary said, “Let it be done to me according to thy word,” she was in effect saying, “I am willing to face death.”

Mary had plenty of reasons to tell the angel “Go away. Ask someone else.” She could have said, “I’m too young.” Or “I’m not married.” She certainly could have said, “I’m afraid!”

She obviously could have used many of the reasons that women rely on today when they decide to say “no” to a pregnancy: “I’m too poor” or “I’m too young” or “I’m unmarried” or “I have other plans.”

Talk about the ultimate unplanned pregnancy: This was what Mary faced!

It is very likely that many readers of this article are the results of unplanned pregnancies. Some may have been conceived after their parents had decided their family was big enough. Maybe others were conceived because Mom thought she was past childbearing days, and then: Surprise!

But even if a pregnancy is unplanned and comes as a shock to the parents, here is the important part: There is no unplanned life.

You see, God doesn’t create any child accidentally because God doesn’t make mistakes. So even if we stunned our parents, we certainly didn’t surprise God.

And the feast of the Annunciation reminds us of the old saying that “God writes straight with crooked lines.”

Here are some crooked lines in the life of Christ: His mother was very young, and she wasn’t married. But God had everything straightened out to protect Mary, so that Christ would be born nine months later.

God sent an angel to let Joseph know in a dream that Mary’s account of her pregnancy was true. And because Joseph accepted God’s plan and married Mary, she avoided social ostracism and stoning.

There are crooked lines in every life. In my own, my mother had a miscarriage before bearing my older sister, and my sister’s birth was long and dangerous. So arduous, in fact, that the doctors sternly warned my mother against having more children.

And then, on a day near Thanksgiving in Chicago, where my parents were visiting family, my story began: I was conceived in my mother’s womb. And I have to believe that my mother, Grace, had very mixed emotions when the doctors confirmed that she was pregnant.

After all, as she looked into the future, she saw another arduous delivery and maybe even death. But she went ahead and had the baby, the one she named Lorraine with Grace as a middle name.

Obviously, St. Luke could have begun the story of Christ’s life with his birth in the stable, rather than nine months earlier at his conception. But it was not by accident that he opened the narrative where he did.

He was following God’s plan when he wrote the narrative of Christ’s life, and was guided by the Holy Spirit to tell the truth with a capital T.

And that Truth is this: Christ’s life started just like every life begins. The Word was made flesh not in a hospital room, not in an inn, not in a stable.

Instead, God became man in a womb at the very moment Mary said “yes.”

And that womb had to be nurturing and protective, just as the wombs that brought each of us into the world.

Perhaps a reason that Christ’s story begins at conception is to bring a message to a world in which the womb is no longer a safe haven.

Perhaps it is to remind us that the most beautiful words in the world are not those spoken at the birth of a baby when the doctor pronounces the child alive and healthy.

Instead, the most exquisite words are the little veiled conversation that goes on in the heart of the mother many months earlier, when she first learns that she is pregnant.

The loveliest words of all come despite inconvenience, despite having other plans, despite being too young or too old, despite being too poor, despite being scared, despite being unmarried, despite being afraid of death.

The most beautiful words of all come at the moment when the mother whispers to God: “Let it be.” And that’s where the story begins.

Ultrasound pictures!

Well, we got the big news! We're having a boy!! For the fuller story, please click here to read Paul's post and see some ultrasound pictures.

19 Weeks

Here's me at 19 weeks, along with my girls who love their new baby so much already.

Feeling Better Today

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me. I am doing better today. Nothing has become very clear yet. The good news is that the bleeding has slowed. Yesterday it was very light and today I have seen no blood. Still a little cramping but nothing severe. I saw my doctor yesterday who ordered blood tests and an ultrasound to find out how the baby is doing, so we should be getting results sometime this week. In the meantime I'm continuing to take it easy. My sister, Christal, is helping me out this week as well as our friend, Anne, and my mother in law, Helen. These amazing people simply volunteered to help out; we didn't ask anyone! God completely amazes me how He takes care of us all the time.

Please Pray for Me

Please pray for me today. Saturday evening I started bleeding (like a light period) and it hasn't stopped (though it has slowed down). I also have been having some mild cramping and lower back pain. Hubby has been taking care of the kids and house for the past couple of days, but he needs to go back to work today. The house is messy, which always depresses me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding an appointment today. The heater went out yesterday, so we're waiting for our rental agency to send someone to fix it. We have space heaters all over the house which thankfully are doing a pretty good job fending off the cold. I really need a shower and just want to cry. I know all these things are merely circumstantial, but I'm having a hard time with my perspective today. I know that everyone can relate to "one of those" days/weekends/whatever. Worst of all is that I feel all messed up inside, like none of my thoughts are right. I REALLY need God's perspective today.

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.