Dedication

This morning we dedicated our babies! I loved how Pastor Bob pointed out that the little children were brought to Jesus during His earthly ministry, and we are continuing to do the same. Yes, Lord, bless our babies and make them Your own!

What made it extra special is that our friends Junius and Melissa dedicated their daughter Naomi at the same time. Johnny and Gina dedicated their youngest two, Hannah and Luke!

Praise Report and Prayer Request

Click on picture to see entire album:

2009-08 Tayan

We want to praise God for the healthy delivery of our son, Tayan Glenn Swagerty! After five hours of relatively easy labor and an intense half hour at the end, he was born 9 lb. 3 oz., 21.5 inches, at 9:34am on Sunday, August 9. We are so glad that God started the labor naturally before our scheduled inducement. Tay is simply a joy, very peaceful, and eats like a horse! He also looks a lot like his namesake, "GoPa" Glenn.

We also ask for continued prayer for Michelle's recovery. Several hours after the birth, Michelle started hemorrhaging. She lost a good deal of blood. The doctors and nurses were considering a transfusion but decided not to after things started to turn around. Thanks to the diligent prayer covering and the skill of the medical staff, she was released the next day to recuperate at home. Paul and Laura are caring for Michelle, Tayan, and Alana at home while our older children are cared for by other family members.

Daddy Paul asks that you please be considerate of our children's little ears regarding what you may have heard or think you know about what happened to their Mommy last Sunday.

Thank you again and again for all your prayers and love during this pregnancy and birth.

Waiting to be Delivered

I have been thinking a lot the past week or two about the parallels between waiting for a baby to be born and waiting for Jesus to come back. In the case of birth, I have to be in a constant state of readiness. Bags are packed and contingency plans are made to be ready to head to the hospital at a moment's notice. At the same time, my daily life has to be lived: children cared for, meals made, relationships maintained, etc. There is this constant tension between what is right now and what could be at any moment. It can be wearying, and not only on me. Our whole family is feeling it. We are learning in the process to enjoy the moments we have while always anticipating what we know is coming.

Today has been a good day. Our work for the week done (amazing!), we just had fun together. Nothing big, just playing and laughing and loving. Going to the park this afternoon, reading together, taking a walk after dinner. But every now and then one of the kids would look at my large belly and say, "I wish Tayan would come out right now." "Me too," I responded. When we were putting him to bed, Cedar said, "I want Tayan to come out so I can see if he has red hair like me." Me too, honey.

As we sat on the back porch this evening, the kids sucking the last of the juice out of their popsicle sleeves and wishing they had more, we started daydreaming about the joys we look forward to in Heaven (i.e., never-ending fountains of popsicle juice or - my favorite fantasy - of chocolate!). I know that I don't long for eternity with the intensity that I desire to be delivered of this baby. I don't know how I could stand to live with that level of longing all the time. But I also don't want to become complacent and content with this present world.

So when I read these words in The Message today, they struck me as very appropriate.

"... I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs ... yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good" (Romans 8:18-28, emphasis mine).

Amen! Come, little Tayan. And come, Lord Jesus!

Ultrasound pictures!

Well, we got the big news! We're having a boy!! For the fuller story, please click here to read Paul's post and see some ultrasound pictures.

19 Weeks

Here's me at 19 weeks, along with my girls who love their new baby so much already.

Kole is Walking!

I think this video is too cute not to share.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.

Pictures of Kole!

It takes me a while to get some things done, but eventually, by God's grace, they do get done! Here are pictures of our little Thunder, Kole, for the first four months of his life. From hospital to home, baby shower, visiting friends and relatives, and lots of love from big sisters and brothers, he is enjoying life. Have fun looking at some of the highlights. (Click on picture to access web album.)

Kole's 1st Four Months

If you would like the full story, go to "Kole's Story."

Surprise: We're expecting!

Dear Friends and Family:

It's true! Another baby is on the way!

We are very excited. We have just signed a contract with Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). They are not an agency themselves, but they work with agencies from across the country to find suitable homes for babies. Because we already have children and have no issues with fertility (quite the opposite!) we have found that we don't fit the "standard" profile of adoptive couples. The benefits for us deciding to use CAC instead of going with an agency directly is that we will have access to a much larger pool of children and they will be able to match us with agencies that are willing to accommodate our particular situation.

As many of you know, we have long desired to adopt, having even pursued it twice. Each time God has closed the doors for us. We have left this path of family growth in God's hands, and he has been faithful. Recently, we both have felt the Holy Spirit urging us to go ahead and try again, so here we are!

Our desire is to provide a home for an African-American baby. The need for adoption of minority children is so high that agencies discount their costs to encourage couples to adopt across racial lines. Even with those discounts, the costs for adoption will easily reach $20,000 or more. That is certainly an amount of money we don't have, but the Lord does! We are approaching adoption as much excitement and as much of an open heart as with the birth of any of our children.

We hope to be conducting the home study during the fall and to be matched with a baby within a year from now.

If you would like, you can follow along this journey here with us on Michelle's family blog.

With joy,
Paul and Michelle

1000 Gifts

As I have been struggling with depression recently, the Holy Spirit reminded me of 1000 Gifts, a list that many are making of a thousand things for which they are thankful. He reassured me that, as I focus on the many wonderful gifts He has given me, He will fight the battle for me against depression.

I started my list yesterday morning, thinking that I would write down four or five things to begin. I had over thirty before I could stop writing! My list is now over forty and growing. I will post it here to declare before God and every witness that He is good to me, and His love endures forever!

1. Geese honking an early morning wake-up call.
2. Baby's tummy full of manna.
3. A full night's sleep.
4. Birds chirping as sun rises.
5. Anticipation of worshiping with the Body.
6. Baby contentedly sleeping next to me.
7. Kissing soft baby skin.
8. Lifting up friends to Abba's throne.
9. Answered prayer for headache to be removed.
10. Sincere card from a dear friend.
11. Quiet house.
12. Mr. Incorruptible's appreciation for his morning juice and GummyVite (my 2-year-old son).
13. Long conversation with Salt Racer (my hubby/best friend) about anything and everything.
14. Being able to stop and lie down when I'm just too tired to keep going.
15. Referral to endocrinologist - hope for answers and healing.
16. Hearing my children laugh and play together.
17. Pushing Laughter Sun (my 3-year-old daughter) high, higher on swing.
18. Salt Racer BBQ'ing and serving dinner in backyard.
19. Baking perfect, tender scones.
20. Talking with a good friend.
21. Beloved Pearl's constant, loving help (my sister-in-law).
22. Mom's prayers.
23. Still being able to boss my little sisters. :)
24. Anticipation of time spent with Mama.
25. Husband waking to seek the Lord.
26. Daddy calling just to see how I'm doing.
27. Sound of simmering oatmeal.
28. Morning cup of tea with cream and sugar.
29. The pleasure of realizing how much I have to thank Abba for.
30. RHOP merging with The Rock!
31. Knowing that my God hears my prayers.
32. Teaching Sparkling Promise (my 5-year-old daughter) to read.
33. A husband who knows (and says) what he wants.
34. Frog conventions importantly discussing matters after dark.
35. Warm sunshine.
36. A freshly made bed.
37. The prayers of friends.
38. Salt Racer's kisses and back rubs.
39. Time alone.
40. Peaceful stillness.
41. Children's laughter.
42. Baby smiles.
43. A warm shower.

I hope that you will be inspired to start your own list.

My Baby

Morning sunlight streaming in
Illuminating baby face
Pink lips parted just a bit
Crooked grin responds to kiss.

Red-tinged eyelids close over
Wondering blue eyes, searching
For a loving face, finding
Me, he's satisfied.

Rounded tummy pressed to mine
Full of morning's manna
Little body cuddled close
Filling heart of Mama.