Changes

First of all, I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've posted. I know I've always been a bit sporadic, but five months is a long time to be quiet. That's not very like me. I think the reason is that there has been so much going on inside that I've been processing, I haven't known what to say. So I've been just living life (which has been good, by the way) and waiting on the Lord for further direction.

In the meantime, there have been a few changes. First of all, we are pregnant! Our sweet baby #7 is due to come on Easter Sunday, April 8, 2012. I really hope that he/she is born on that day. It just means so much to me. This baby is such a gift from God. I have had such a hard time with my attitude about being pregnant in the past, but since adding Crown and Lion to our family in 2009, my heart has changed so much. I want to welcome every little one with whom God blesses us with open arms and an open heart. Including the process of their arrival, whether through my womb or that of another loving birth mother. So there has been a dual desire in my heart. I want ... oh, so badly ... to adopt again soon. And I also want to have the incredible opportunity to carry another little life inside, and this time with a good attitude!

Regarding adoption, we are still waiting on the Lord. Despite our completed home study, there have not yet been any open doors for us in this area. We are praying and hoping that it will not be too much longer!

And finally, we are moving! While doors have not yet opened for us to adopt again, doors have opened (for the first time since we sold our last home in 2006) for us to buy a house! It's a pretty farm house out in the country, and we are SO excited to move our family there. The property is an acre, which we plan to "homestead" farm with gardens, goats, chickens, and whatever else we can dream of. We will be surrounded by beautiful 20+ acre horse ranches, trees, and fields. This is a dream come true for Saltracer and me, as we have longed to raise our children in a more rural environment. The house itself is in some need of repair (hence our ability to purchase it for a low price), so we will be spending the first few months/year or more remodeling and renovating to make it just right. I'm actually looking forward to it, as I feel that this is my opportunity to really design my home just the way I want it. I haven't been so excited about creating a home since moving into our first home, a small townhouse, and setting it up when we were newlyweds.

Speaking of which, we celebrated our 10th anniversary during my "quiet period." We enjoyed a beautiful, romantic weekend in Sutter Creek at The Grey Gables bed and breakfast. It was so fun to relax, talk, walk, and dream together. That weekend was actually the seed for us coming home and seriously looking into purchasing a farm house. Now look what God has done! I am in awe.

I hope soon to post pictures of our new home. We'll have to post "before" and "after" pictures during the renovation. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this update and that God is blessing you abundantly, above all that you could ask or think.

10 Things I Love about My Husband

I have been thinking about this for a few days. This post reminded me that I've been wanting to share a few things that I love about my husband:

1. He cuddles with me every night when we go to bed even though he has to lay on the side that hurts to do it. (His back and neck need God's healing touch. His body is in constant pain.)

2. He loves our children and shows it by wrestling with them and letting them help him in the garden.

3. He changes diapers (even poopy ones) uncomplainingly even though he knows he doesn't have to. (We have a deal: I don't have to squish bugs and he doesn't have to change poopy diapers. But he does it anyway.)

4. He loves to spend time with me! He looks forward to our date nights as much as I do.

5. He texts me every day when he's on the way home and wants me to reply letting him know what we're doing so he can join in when he comes through the door. I love that he cares about the little things.

6. He tells me I'm his favorite person (and he is mine!).

7. He thinks I'm beautiful even when I have no makeup on, haven't brushed my hair, and am wearing spit-uppy sweats.

8. He makes the bed when he gets up last (even though he hates doing it) because he knows it means a lot to me.

9. He doesn't complain when he has to go to the laundry room to find his shirts.

10. He cries when he reads about orphans or rescued babies.

We have only been married eight years, and I am more and more amazed all the time at what an incredible husband I have.

Do you want to share about how awesome your husband is?

Our New Table

Paul (with the help and expertise of our incredible friend, John) is building a new table for our growing family.

This thing is going to be a BIG farm-style table, the kind I've always dreamed of having.

To give a little perspective, Paul is 6'4", and his head is about as far from the edge as his feet are!

I can't wait to serve dinner to our whole family at this table (it will seat 12)!

Apart for Now

I miss my husband tonight. He is away on a business trip this week, and while I do much better these days than I used to when he is gone, I still miss him a lot.

So I just want to say that I miss you, Salt Racer. I am glad that we got to talk several times today. You are my best friend. And the best cook! Today we enjoyed eating all the food you had prepared for us yesterday. I don't really want to go to bed because there is no one there waiting for me. But I will, because you just might call me in the morning and I want to be awake for that! I love you.

In Pain

My soul is in anguish. My spirit cries out.

The world is in pain. And yet it dances the night away.

And babies die.

Does anyone care? Does anyone notice.

There are mommies who cry tonight. And yet the world says dance.
And so they do.

Why?

Why dance?

There is other music playing. Another song is being sung.
Just listen harder and you can hear it.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

And when you listen your spirit soars.

Listen to the song of ages. Listen to the song of songs. It is a quiet song. It is not a loud song. But it is the oldest song.

You don't like it because it isn't new. You want the latest. The latest will fade. The newest will age.

But this song will remain. This song is the oldest. But this song will always be the latest. As the world looks for the next best thing. After you have been used up and discarded, the song still sings.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

Just listen.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

How Does Your Garden Grow!

Happy Anniversary, my beloved Salt Racer!



I am so proud of you. You are an excellent gardener. The work that you do in your vegetable garden reflects the careful and conscientious way that you also care for our family. And both are growing well! Sometimes the fruit is hidden, but when you look it is there, under the leaves. I know that you often think you don't measure up to your own standards, but I want to let you know that you far exceed mine. Your love for us is evident in everything that you do, in the faces of our children, and in my heart.

Thank you for seven incredible years! I look forward to many, many more.

All my respect and love,
Michelle

1000 Gifts

As I have been struggling with depression recently, the Holy Spirit reminded me of 1000 Gifts, a list that many are making of a thousand things for which they are thankful. He reassured me that, as I focus on the many wonderful gifts He has given me, He will fight the battle for me against depression.

I started my list yesterday morning, thinking that I would write down four or five things to begin. I had over thirty before I could stop writing! My list is now over forty and growing. I will post it here to declare before God and every witness that He is good to me, and His love endures forever!

1. Geese honking an early morning wake-up call.
2. Baby's tummy full of manna.
3. A full night's sleep.
4. Birds chirping as sun rises.
5. Anticipation of worshiping with the Body.
6. Baby contentedly sleeping next to me.
7. Kissing soft baby skin.
8. Lifting up friends to Abba's throne.
9. Answered prayer for headache to be removed.
10. Sincere card from a dear friend.
11. Quiet house.
12. Mr. Incorruptible's appreciation for his morning juice and GummyVite (my 2-year-old son).
13. Long conversation with Salt Racer (my hubby/best friend) about anything and everything.
14. Being able to stop and lie down when I'm just too tired to keep going.
15. Referral to endocrinologist - hope for answers and healing.
16. Hearing my children laugh and play together.
17. Pushing Laughter Sun (my 3-year-old daughter) high, higher on swing.
18. Salt Racer BBQ'ing and serving dinner in backyard.
19. Baking perfect, tender scones.
20. Talking with a good friend.
21. Beloved Pearl's constant, loving help (my sister-in-law).
22. Mom's prayers.
23. Still being able to boss my little sisters. :)
24. Anticipation of time spent with Mama.
25. Husband waking to seek the Lord.
26. Daddy calling just to see how I'm doing.
27. Sound of simmering oatmeal.
28. Morning cup of tea with cream and sugar.
29. The pleasure of realizing how much I have to thank Abba for.
30. RHOP merging with The Rock!
31. Knowing that my God hears my prayers.
32. Teaching Sparkling Promise (my 5-year-old daughter) to read.
33. A husband who knows (and says) what he wants.
34. Frog conventions importantly discussing matters after dark.
35. Warm sunshine.
36. A freshly made bed.
37. The prayers of friends.
38. Salt Racer's kisses and back rubs.
39. Time alone.
40. Peaceful stillness.
41. Children's laughter.
42. Baby smiles.
43. A warm shower.

I hope that you will be inspired to start your own list.