Random Thoughts

I just remembered that I haven't posted for a long time. It's not because I have little to say ... there is much I'd love to share. It's just that life is all-consuming right now with seven little ones, our little farm, and summer home school. There is something I've been wanting to share for a while about Legend's birth ... not to mention pictures that I haven't posted! But all that will come in time. God provides the time to do what He wants us to do. The fact that I just remembered this blog might mean that post is coming soon! Here's hoping ...

In the meantime, I find adoption on my heart a lot these days. We are praying and hoping to add another child to our family through adoption ... soon? Only God knows. But I wanted to share it in case anyone might want to join us in praying for the child(ren) that are in our hearts. We don't know where they are or how they will come into our family, but He has it all in His very capable hands.

By the way, I have been very blessed these past few months by reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. If you haven't heard of it, check it out. You'll be glad you did. :)

Waiting on Him

Today is my estimated due date to have our seventh child, our fourth boy. It is also Easter Sunday, and it has been the cherished desire of my heart to have him today, or at least this weekend. Good Friday, Easter, Passover ... these are days of such significance. And this baby has such significance to us as well. Though it may sound funny since we have so many children, in many ways he is our first "love baby." Let me explain. We have deeply wanted, desired, and loved every one of our children, but this baby holds a unique place as one who was conceived in our hearts even before his physical conception, during a season of transformation in our understanding of God's love for us and the depth of passion that He desires us to experience for each other. Along with that is a growing understanding of how His love for us and our love for each other is life-affirming, life-creating, joyful and fruitful.

The journey of this pregnancy has also taught us God's goodness to us, not because we deserve it, but simply because He is good. All of my pregnancies have had their challenges, some more than others, and we have learned different things along the way. This time, as a surprise in the middle of the pregnancy, God blessed us with our dream home, a farm house in the middle of a beautiful countryside. He also gave me strength and endurance beyond anything I've experienced before to handle the packing and moving even while pregnant.

Now, at the end of the pregnancy, I am finding that I still rely a lot on my own strength, while my loving heavenly Father wants to teach me to trust and rely completely on Him. I've grown more and more anxious to know when this child will be born so that I can plan and prepare myself. As each day has begun, I've stood breathlessly at the edge of a great adventure (birth), ready to dive in. By the end of the day, I'm emotionally exhausted from holding my breath, so to speak, all day, wondering if the time to jump has come now? ... no, not now ... now? ... no, not now, ... NOW??? God, couldn't we do a countdown here or something? I need to know how to pace myself for the end of this nine-month journey!

This morning, He reminded me that I don't need to know exactly when and how it's all going to happen, because He does. I can trust Him to make me ready at the right time. So now I can relax and enjoy the rest of this Easter Sunday, knowing that my Abba has everything under control, so I don't have to. I can simply wait on Him.

[H]ope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for [it] with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. . . . And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to [His] purpose (Romans 8:24-28, excerpts).

Like a Child

He sat down, summoned the Twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he must make himself last of all and servant of all.” He took a child and stood him among them. Then he put his arms around him and said to them, “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me” (Mk 9:35-37, CJB).

People were bringing children to him so that he might touch them, but the talmidim rebuked those people. However, when Yeshua saw it, he became indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me, don’t stop them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Yes! I tell you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will not enter it!” And he took them in his arms, laid his hands on them, and make a b’rakhah over them (Mk 10:13-16, CJB).

What are You talking about here, Jesus? Children are many things. What qualities of children make us fit for the Kingdom of God? They are selfish, demanding, foolish, lacking self-control, disobedient, self-willed, etc.Wow, as an adult, I can be all these things without trying. These qualities don’t seem to be unique to children. They are things I still fight to overcome. Obviously they are not the qualities you desire. So what is it about being a child that I have lost or am in danger of losing?

Children love unconditionally (they can’t help it, even when their parents/caregivers hurt them). They are open to receive, defenseless, small, full of wonder and excitement, curious, teachable, and ready for fun. Yes, I can see that these qualities are in danger of being lost in me. I have to fight to keep them. Without Your help, my heart closes, I put up defenses, and my love becomes very conditional. I feel like I should be “big” enough to handle life on my own. I lose the wonder and excitement of each day. I become focused on what I already know - and bored with life - instead of wondering what adventure is around the next corner.

Rescue me, Lord! Though there is a beauty in “growing up,” there is danger as well. Break through my grown-up shell and reach my heart again. Help me to approach life, parenting, marriage, and every aspect of my life with the humility, curiosity, and wonder of a child. Open my heart to receive Your love. Teach me to enter Your kingdom like a child.

Historic Moment

I'm having my first morning devotions in our new home! The tea is steaming, the sun is rising out the front windows, birds are beginning to wake, my family is still asleep, and the shadows on the walls and furniture are changing as the light outside grows gradually brighter. The first person I want to greet is my Beloved, the one who created my being and knows my thoughts.

Ha! The children are apparently caught up in the delight of the morning as well, for they just appeared with big smiles on their faces, ready to begin a new day. I sent them back to bed for a few more minutes, reminding them that they wanted me to wake them by playing piano for them, so now they are waiting for the first tinkling notes to summon their reappearance.

I had better finish my Bible and prayer time, or they will descend again and this time will be over almost before it's begun!

O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place Your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Psalm 139:1-6, NLT

It's Simple, Really

Most mornings, when I get up to spend quiet time with the Lord, I have no great, inspiring thoughts to share. I have been pondering this for a few months. It seems like the flow of "things I just have to say" has become a trickle. My journal has seldom been written in for the past couple of years, and this blog has been posted in only occasionally. At first I thought it was having two babies in one year, but now, almost three years later, things haven't changed much. Maybe it's being a mom to six little ones. Perhaps it's just a season. Whatever it is, I don't think there's anything wrong ... in fact, I feel that the Lord is teaching me to be more present in the everyday with my husband and children. And that, as my mother could tell you, is a good thing. Even as a child I was more in tune with my inner life than with things going on around me.

But I am not discouraged from my commitment to quiet time. I can still tell the difference between when I "do it" and when I don't. Even when all I do is get out of bed, plug in headphones to the computer, wrap up in a blanket on the couch, and let the Word of God wash over me from Daily Audio Bible and The Prayer Room webstreams, I can tell the difference. I can feel that I'm more ready for the day, more at peace, more focused, and much less stressed. I'm like a nursing babe, receiving nourishment from my Heavenly Father who loves me, holds me, and fills me. I don't need to be aware of what He's doing in me. I just need to come and eat.

Jesus said unto them, "Come and dine" (John 21:12). 

Things I Could be Doing at 5am

1. Sleeping (this is what I was hoping to be doing ... at least until 6am ... but instead I've been awake since about 4am).
2. Taking care of sick children (thankfully no one has thrown up since midnight).
3. Blogging (guess that's what I'm doing right now).
4. Facebook (did that briefly).
5. Working on the family finances (haven't been able to get to it yet this week).
6. Making dinner for this evening (but I'm afraid it's a bit too early and I'd wake the family up).
7. Taking a walk (yes, that is a serious consideration ... but maybe I'll wait for sunrise).
8. Taking a shower (see #6).
9. Nursing a baby (that's what I anticipate doing in about 13 weeks!)
10. Listening to Daily Audio Bible and praying.

I think I'll opt for #10. We'll see how the Lord leads from there.

You know, Lord, that we have been sick this week. You know how much sleep You made me to need. You know that I went to bed at midnight last night, turning off my alarm and trusting You to wake me at the right time. You woke me before 4am. I don't know what You have in mind for today, but please fill me with Your love and strengthen me by Your grace. I love You and trust You.

Reconnecting

Satisfy us in each morning with Your unfailing love,

so we may sing with joy to the end of our lives.

Psalm 90:14, NLT

Early mornings are when I am most myself. All is quiet, the sun is rising, my heart is open, and the cares of the day are still an hour or two away. It is an opportunity to just be me before my Father, resting in Him and opening my heart to receive. Spirit, soul, and body fed by His love.

I can ruin it of course, by waking with a bunch of goals and a load of expectations. But the best times are when I leave all that behind and let Him lead me, setting my heart on just one thing: to seek His face and listen to His voice. That's all I really need.

There are many mornings when I do not get up early. Many, many. Late nights, sickness, forgetting ... these and many other reasons keep me in bed late. But after a while I remember ... He reminds me ... and I begin again to respond to His invitation to come, taste, see what He has in store for me. I come. I am always glad that I did.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!

Psalm 34:8, NLT

Lord, help me to respond daily to your call to wake early, letting You renew my heart and mind with Your love.

Some favorite early morning companions which point me to God:

Daily Audio Bible

The Prayer Room

Changes

First of all, I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've posted. I know I've always been a bit sporadic, but five months is a long time to be quiet. That's not very like me. I think the reason is that there has been so much going on inside that I've been processing, I haven't known what to say. So I've been just living life (which has been good, by the way) and waiting on the Lord for further direction.

In the meantime, there have been a few changes. First of all, we are pregnant! Our sweet baby #7 is due to come on Easter Sunday, April 8, 2012. I really hope that he/she is born on that day. It just means so much to me. This baby is such a gift from God. I have had such a hard time with my attitude about being pregnant in the past, but since adding Crown and Lion to our family in 2009, my heart has changed so much. I want to welcome every little one with whom God blesses us with open arms and an open heart. Including the process of their arrival, whether through my womb or that of another loving birth mother. So there has been a dual desire in my heart. I want ... oh, so badly ... to adopt again soon. And I also want to have the incredible opportunity to carry another little life inside, and this time with a good attitude!

Regarding adoption, we are still waiting on the Lord. Despite our completed home study, there have not yet been any open doors for us in this area. We are praying and hoping that it will not be too much longer!

And finally, we are moving! While doors have not yet opened for us to adopt again, doors have opened (for the first time since we sold our last home in 2006) for us to buy a house! It's a pretty farm house out in the country, and we are SO excited to move our family there. The property is an acre, which we plan to "homestead" farm with gardens, goats, chickens, and whatever else we can dream of. We will be surrounded by beautiful 20+ acre horse ranches, trees, and fields. This is a dream come true for Saltracer and me, as we have longed to raise our children in a more rural environment. The house itself is in some need of repair (hence our ability to purchase it for a low price), so we will be spending the first few months/year or more remodeling and renovating to make it just right. I'm actually looking forward to it, as I feel that this is my opportunity to really design my home just the way I want it. I haven't been so excited about creating a home since moving into our first home, a small townhouse, and setting it up when we were newlyweds.

Speaking of which, we celebrated our 10th anniversary during my "quiet period." We enjoyed a beautiful, romantic weekend in Sutter Creek at The Grey Gables bed and breakfast. It was so fun to relax, talk, walk, and dream together. That weekend was actually the seed for us coming home and seriously looking into purchasing a farm house. Now look what God has done! I am in awe.

I hope soon to post pictures of our new home. We'll have to post "before" and "after" pictures during the renovation. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this update and that God is blessing you abundantly, above all that you could ask or think.

God is our good shepherd

Here is the news you've been waiting for! This may not be what we were hoping to hear, but God's will is perfect and we are resting in Him.

We heard back from the boys' social worker, and the result, in short, is that we have been un-chosen as these kids' match. We were not able to meet the requirements of the agency in their time frame, so at this point they need to move on to consider other families.

Our reaction is perfect peace. A few years ago, we heard Derek Loux say that God is our good shepherd. We say yes to Him, and He opens and closes the doors to let us know if this is the direction He wants us to go. If we are not the family for these boys, then we trust that God has another family who will be a safe place for them to grow and learn about Him.

We are still excited about our adoption, for which we have been preparing the past few months. The good news is that our home study is now complete, and we are ready to adopt! We will take a few days to process and wrap up this situation, and then we will begin applying for other situations. We will also begin the process of applying for grants available through ABBA Fund, Show Hope, etc.

For those who have donated, we will be contacting you by email in the next day or two. We will be offering three options: 1) We will gladly return your money to you should you so desire; 2) We will make sure that your donation is sent along to help the family chosen for the three boys to adopt them; or 3) You may choose to apply the funds to our next adoption, which we are hoping will happen in the next few months. Whatever you choose, we bless and honor you for your loving sacrifice over the past two days.

Thank you for joining us on this exciting and unpredictable journey of adoption! We will be posting again soon about our new direction.

Where we are at ...

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the donations so far. They are greatly appreciated.

Some people may be a little confused about where we are at and what is going on.

We are moving ahead to try and get these boys. Just not as quickly as some would like us to. With adoption there are many questions, and not a lot of answers. We are waiting to hear back from the placement agency on these questions.

If the fact that this placement isn't a done deal makes people uncomfortable giving we TOTALLY and COMPLETELY understand. As Paul mentioned last night, there are two tracks that are needing to happen simultaneously: information and fundraising. The fundraising is like Gideon's Fleece for us. And it's coming in, just not as quickly as we had hoped. We see this as God's confirmation to proceed a bit more slowly.

All that said: We are NOT giving up. We aren't backing down. We are doing this for HIS sake. These boys are HIS children. We want them to be our children too. The question is: Will He let us? We only want to do His will. No more. No less.

We will let you know further as soon as possible. Thank you again for your generosity!

(Note: If the placement with us falls through, then we will be contacting each donor individually and privately to determine what you would like us to do with your donation.)

Generosity

So the total money we now have toward our adoption is $6670. We started out by putting in $5000 ourselves, money that we had set aside for adoption, savings, and other projects. Our seed offering. The rest has been given to us by 64 people - sixty-four very generous family and friends who either love us, love children, or both. I cannot thank you enough. (And I look forward to an upcoming home school project with my children of writing lots and lots of thank-you notes!)

One of the biggest things I am realizing is how many people love adoption. How many people's hearts are stirred to care for three little boys they have never met. Three little boys who some may soon welcome into their family and friend community. Three little boys who others may never meet in this world. But it makes no difference. Because we are all brothers and sisters. We are all the body of Christ, and we care for one another. That's the way it should be. And I am honored to be a part of it. You have blessed and encouraged me beyond words. Not only that you would give so generously, but that we really are not alone in our heart to care for orphans. Isn't that so prideful? But it can start to feel that way sometimes. And then something like this happens and you realize how mistaken you were. Many, many, many people love the Lord and love His children. Thank you for showing that to me today.

We are wanting to make sure that we follow the Lord very carefully in this. We will be talking with the social workers more tomorrow to get more information. We want to be sure that we really are the best family for these boys and they for us. This is not a commitment that we take lightly, so we are diligently seeking out godly counsel and wisdom. We hope to make a trip soon to meet them (hopefully with all our children!). We will definitely keep you updated.

Please keep praying!!!!! We are seeking God's face with all our hearts.

For a more in-depth analysis of our status in this situation, please read my husband's blog post.

Update on 3 Little Boys

My mind is reeling with all that's happened today. We talked with the boys' social worker and our own social worker. We are the first choice for these boys! We are thrilled and excited and nervous all at once. But beneath it all we know that we want God's will more than anything. We will be working on every front to make sure that we can bring them into our home (if it is God's will). We are contacting everyone we know to get the information and resources we need.

Here's a picture of my kids yesterday, fascinated by a lizard found on our back porch. Just to keep it real. :)

Thank you so much for the many donations we have received already! We are already up to $5710, and more donations keep coming in. I am in awe of how quickly God can move things when it's His time. Thank you, and please keep praying for us.

Here We Go!

So ... where do I begin? ... Yesterday we heard through Christian Adoption Consultants about three little boys, ages 5, 4, and 3, who need a home immediately. They were looking for families in Arizona or Virginia, but were open to considering families from others states. We looked at each other, each thinking, should we be open to this situation? It's not exactly (or even remotely) what we've been preparing for.

Background: We've been praying and preparing to welcome a baby boy or girl into our family this year. Before we started our home study, we prayed about what direction God would have us to go this time in our adoption. We felt led to domestic adoption again, so that's what we've been anticipating. We've even had a due date time frame in mind, based on a feeling I had last fall that our baby was being conceived around then. We went through CAC last time and felt peace about going that route again. We knew that they occasionally find placements for older children and sibling sets, but that is rare, so we naturally assumed that our next child would be a baby.

So when we heard about these boys, my first reaction was that they aren't for us. We are in California, and we are expecting to adopt a baby. However, I have also committed in my heart never to say no to anything God might call me to. I also know that my impressions are not always correct, so while I pay attention to them, I hold them lightly. They take on a lot more credibility when that chapter in the story is done and I can see more clearly how God has led us.

Since our home study is all but complete, since this is an urgent situation, and since we had peace about it, after praying we agreed to let the social worker know that we are open to the situation. After all, there are some hurdles to cross before this can become reality. First of all, we have to be picked. Second, there is the small matter of $30,000 needed. We don't have nearly that much money. (Yet.) But we know that if this is God's will for us and for the boys, the money is no problem for Him.

The boys are adorable. I don't know much at this point, but I do know that their birth father, who has been raising them, appears to love them very much and is unable to care for them. I believe he is trying desperately to do what is best for them. And I don't want to be responsible for allowing them to fall through the cracks because I didn't speak up.

In fact, this verse was on my heart yesterday:

"Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute!" (Proverbs 31:8-9, MSG).

I don't think I have many illusions about this. I've hear and read about attachment and children from hard places. I know that this could be a very rough road. But I also know that I serve a God who cares about orphans much more than I do. And I am confident that where He calls, He equips. There could be some very hard days ahead, but He will be faithful.

This morning we emailed the boys' social worker to let her know that we are open to this situation. This afternoon she asked us if we would be available to travel THIS WEEK. We can and will, if that is what God wants. We simply want to have wisdom and discernment to know what His will is.

We had a family conference with our kids, emphasizing that if we do adopt these boys, things will not be the same around here. There will be even more sharing, serving, being patient, loving, forgiving, etc. They voted unanimously that we go ahead and see if God wants them to be in our family.

So I am asking you two things. First and most importantly, PLEASE PRAY. Pray that God's will be done on behalf of these boys and for our family. Pray that we will have discernment. Pray that God will make it very clear what our role is to be in these three boys' lives.

Second, if you feel led to donate toward our adoption, you may do so through the button at the right. If you would prefer to mail a check, please email me directly at mswagerty [at] gmail [dot] com. Due to the urgent nature of this situation, we will need the $30K in just a few days in order to rescue these children. If you desire to partner with us, we will be very grateful. One of the ways we will know whether this is God's will is if He provides the finances to do it in the necessary time frame.

Thank you for reading this and for praying for us. We look forward to posting further updates as we know more!

If you would like to read my husband's post about this adoption, please click here: http://saltracer.blogspot.com/2011/06/three-little-boys.html.

Adoption Is Expensive

One of the first comments I hear from people considering adoption is, "Adoption is so expensive!" They have a heart to help. They feel that they have love to share with a child. But they wonder how they could possibly come up with tens of thousands of dollars to make it happen.

I understand this mindset. When I first started researching adoption, the first question I would ask was, "How much does it cost?" Then I would go away feeling discouraged because I didn't see how we could possibly do it.

Then I started hearing stories from people whom I knew did not have millions stashed away somewhere. Regular people who, like me, simply wanted to obey God's call to care for orphans (Isaiah 58:6-12; James 1:27). They spoke of a fountain of blessing that God pours out on the heads of those who step into the gap to care for the lowest - those closest to His heart - the widows, orphans, and poor. Those who do not have anyone to speak up for them. They spoke of how God delights to meet their needs, and how those who partner with Him in helping them get to splash in the pool of His provision, laughing and playing in His delight. They spoke of impossible mountains being conquered, expensive surgeries being provided for, and deep emotional wounds being healed. So I began to pay attention as I read my Bible. Was this true? Did God truly say that this would happen? What I found amazed me. Here are some of my favorite verses:

"Some give freely and still get richer, while others are stingy but grow still poorer. The person who blesses others will prosper; he who satisfies others will be satisfied himself" (Proverbs 11:24, 25 CJV).

Wow! So ... if I hoard my resources to care only for myself and my family, then I may grow only poorer and poorer, thus reinforcing my belief that I do not have enough to share with others. However, if I give freely, trusting my future to God, then He will bring the increase and satisfy all my needs.

"Here is the sort of fast I want ... sharing your food with the hungry, taking the homeless poor into your house, clothing the naked when you see them, fulfilling your duty to your kinsmen! Then your light will burst forth like the morning ... Then you will call, and Adonai will answer; you will cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.' ... If you will ... generously offer food to the hungry and meet the needs of the person in trouble; then your light will rise in the darkness, and your gloom become like noon. Adonai will always guide you; he will satisfy your needs in the desert, he will renew the strength of your limbs; so that you will be like a watered garden, like spring whose water never fails" (Isaiah 58:6-12, emphasis mine).

"Do not store up for yourselves wealth here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and burglars break in and steal. Instead store up for yourselves wealth in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and burglars do not break in or steal. For where your wealth is, there your heart will be also. ... So don't be anxious, asking, 'What will we eat?,' 'What will we drink?' or 'How will we be clothed?' ... But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:19, 20, 31, 33, emphasis mine).

"Here's the point: he who plants sparingly also harvests sparingly. ... Moreover, God has the power to provide you with every gracious gift in abundance, so that always in every way you will have all you need yourselves, and be able to provide abundantly for every good cause. ... He provides both seed for the planter and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of our righteousness. You will be enriched in every way, so that you can be generous in everything" (2 Corinthians 9:6-8, 10, 11, emphasis mine).

So if you are one of those who would like to adopt but haven't been sure whether you could afford it, I ask you to consider this challenge: can you really afford not to? Take these verses before God. Ask Him to explain them to you. Think about them. And watch while your faith rises to the point that you are willing to step out, take a risk on God's faithfulness to keep His promises, and see what He will do!

A Little Crazy?

A friend recently drew my attention to this post that I wrote three years ago. I am thankful that in many ways, life is not as hard as it was then. My oldest three children, now eight, six, and five, are SO helpful. And I am much more at peace with my life. With some hormonal supplementation and lots of prayer, I experience depression much less than I used to. We now have six children and are beginning the process to adopt #7! Yet, somehow, I feel a little less crazy than I did then. Rereading this today, it rings more true than ever.

I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Why are we doing this? Is it a good idea? Are we hearing God, or just going off half-cocked with good intentions but little wisdom? What will people think? What does God think?

I know what I think. I think we're more than a little crazy. We have four (now six) children already. Our oldest is five (now eight), and our youngest is five months (nineteen months). There are many (only some now, thankfully, since the depression is largely gone) days when I wonder how in the world I will survive the next five years--no, minutes. In nearly seven (now ten) years of marriage, we have yet to go more than nine months of our marriage without getting pregnant (nineteen months and counting now), and in addition to our four living children, we have had two miscarriages. In the natural, it makes sense that this would be a time to step back and regroup, not a time to step it up yet again.

And yet.

There is a burning in my heart that will not be ignored. And when I tap into that place, that God-space inside me, all of my objections are burned away in an instant. Suddenly I don't care how tired I am, how messy my house gets, or how much more I have to slow down my life. Suddenly I realize that my life is not getting more complicated by adding more children. No, with each additional child my life becomes less complicated. My focus turns more and more toward home, toward love, toward being. I have much less time and energy for outside activities and lots of doing. Instead, I find myself stopping, looking into little faces, smiling, laughing. Oh, there are still the moments (and they are many) when I think I am going to collapse under the drain of the continual need of the little people in my life. But then I am constrained once again to look at what I am really trying to do, who I am really called to be. To refocus my gaze. To stop trying so hard. To relax and let this season be what it is.

What is this season?

This is not a season for outward accomplishments. This is not a season for pursuing goals. This is not a season for being SuperMom. This is not a season for doing much at all.

And yet ... it is.

It is a season for digging deep. It is a season for gazing at the face of the One I love most in the countenances of His children. For wiping His tears, bandaging His owies, preparing His food, and, yes, even changing His diapers. It is a season for becoming less, less, and then much, much less, while He becomes more, more and more again within me, to me, through me, around me, above me, beneath me, permeating the very air I breathe.

It is a season for becoming, for discovering who I am in His heart as all my outward identities are stripped away. A season for being hidden in the palm of His hand, being fed from His table, and delighting in the intimacy of His gaze. A season for knowing that, though I am mostly invisible to the outside world, though most of my accomplishments go unnoticed, He sees. A season for learning that that is enough. It is more than enough. It is everything.

It is a season for learning that He is enough.

I meant to focus on adoption in this post, but my heart is so full that I couldn't even get that far. Think of this as the preamble. I have much more to share another time. For now, wherever you may be, whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself, I pray that in that very place you will find God. He is so worth finding that all the struggle becomes nothing compared with the delight of knowing Him.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:17-18 NKJV)

It Doesn't Take a Supermom to Homeschool ... (part 2 of 2)

I would like to finish this post by sharing some of the ways that I homeschool my children. Not because I think that it's the only right way to do it, but because some of it might help another homeschooling mom. If the shoe fits, then wear it! (And if it doesn't, move on and find another one that does.)

First of all, we choose not to participate in charter school. We do not want the added pressure of having to meet public school standards. I enjoy being accountable only to my husband and God. I do sometimes wish that we had money for activities like soccer, ballet, gymnastics, or horseback riding, but my husband and I feel that God (not the government) will provide what we need when (and if) we need it.

I choose not to use prepackaged curricula for most subjects because I feel that would make homeschooling less fun for us and add unnecessary pressure. I also don't try to do every subject every day. We do try to do Bible and reading every day. The other subjects I try to do three days a week. I only "plan" school work for Monday-Thursday, leaving Fridays to do makeup work and/or something fun (like going to the library or on a field trip).

For reading, I use a simple phonics program that I downloaded from the internet. First, I used it to teach my highly motivated first daughter (currently 7 years old) to read. She quickly blew through it and now reads anything she can get her hands on. Currently I am using it to teach my 6-year-old daughter to read. She is going slowly but delights to understanding more and more words. I have not even started to teach my four-year-old formally, but he catches the overflow, and I try to read to him a little every day. My kids also enjoy workbooks, so I got them some spelling and writing workbooks. They do a couple of pages a day in each workbook.

For math, we are using a prepackaged curriculum called Right Start Math. All three of my kids are still in the first (aka, Kindergarten) level. We are going really slowly through this because I want to be sure that they (and I) really understand and enjoy it. I started out teaching my two older girls together, but it was frustrating for them both because of the differences in their abilities. It was also frustrating to me because our lessons were taking 1-2 hours a day. So I continued with my older daughter, who is now nearly finished with Level A and will soon begin Level B (when we can afford to buy it). Her math lessons now take about 15-30 minutes a day. After a break I started over with my 6-year-old and added her 4- (almost 5-) year-old brother. So far they seems to be working well together, and she doesn't seem to have noticed that I set her back. She also enjoys math a lot more now. I do too, especially since I can get their lesson done in 30 minutes a day.

For P.E. , we take walks and go swimming at a neighbor's pool.

For science, we notice things on our walks and in everyday life. The other day we saw a little snake on the sidewalk. I had my kids draw a snake when we got home, and my oldest (who can read and write on her own) wrote a few sentences describing it. I have a book of science experiments you can do at home, but we haven't cracked it open yet. Sometimes something comes up that my kids ask a question about. Last week it was, "What is lava?" I proceeded to explain volcanoes to them and wrote it down as our science for the day. Later, when a volcano erupted recently in Indonesia, we talked about it. I read a news article to them (to which they only marginally paid attention), we watched Youtube videos of volcanoes erupting (they loved that part), and they drew pictures of volcanoes. Bonus: we prayed for the Indonesian people too!

For social studies, we are currently using free stuff that I found on the Voice of the Martyrs website, kidsofcouragemag.net. They have activity booklets on several different countries. I printed out one on Malaysia, and we enjoyed reading about that country and doing the simple activities that were included. Next we will be starting to study Ethiopia. (Last year, we used Five in a Row, a picture-book-based unit study curriculum, and we loved it - it was very fun and easy to do.)

Last but certainly not least, our main subject is Bible. This is the one that we try to do every day no matter what. We are reading through a chronological Bible paraphrase called Day by Day Kids' Bible. My kids love to draw, so every other week or so, I tell them the subject headings for upcoming sections, and they draw pictures that are related. I make copies (we invested in a good printer/copier that wasn't too expensive this year, and it's great). Then, each day during "Bible Time," they color our homemade Bible coloring pages while I read to them. We have a "prayer box," a simple index card file on which I write prayer requests. I pass out two or three cards to each child, and we pray for the people listed on the cards. We also memorize scripture this way, writing a couple verses on a card and making up silly tunes to sing them together. It's a super-easy way to get the Word in our hearts. Bible is my favorite subject to do with my kids, because it feeds my spirit too! (Note: on the days when I am too tired or cranky to teach Bible, or when I need to spend some extra time on my AA daughter's hair, I turn on a "Bible" movie for the kids to watch, like The Miracle Maker.)

I hardly spend any time planning or grading or anything like that. I just find things that are easy and fun for us to do. And if we don't get everything done that I thought we should, I am learning to stop stressing about it. Instead, I ask God what He wants us to get done that day. He then reminds me that His goal is for us to love each other (John 13:34-35; 15:12, 17). Then I remember that I shouldn't worry so much about WHAT we do, and instead focus on just loving my kids.

Final thoughts (to bring this back to how I'm not Supermom): I do not do my makeup every day, and I have learned some really quick, easy things to do with my hair. I do usually get dressed since we try to go for a walk most days (it helps all our perspectives to get out of the house for a little while). However, when I'm pregnant or nursing, I don't always get dressed. My house is ALWAYS messy, except when we clean up before having guests over, and even then it's far less perfect than I'd like. My living room furniture is torn up and we can't afford to replace it (though we're praying for some good free or really cheap furniture). The dishes usually stay piled up in the sink until after lunch. Some days I cannot cook, so instead we have "snack dinner" where everyone picks something to eat like cereal or yogurt. I also make big meals so we have leftovers at least 1-2 days a week. I do not "do it all." We are not involved in many extracurricular activities. Our big outings for the week are church, the park, and the library. I teach my kids piano lessons, but we cannot afford sports or other outside activities. We have a live-in roommate who helps with dishes and laundry during the week. We cannot afford to pay much, so we basically exchange room and board for some help. When the babies are awake, we can't really get anything done, so all our school work is done during their nap times. My husband has given me Monday nights and Sunday mornings "off." This really helps to keep me sane. I take that time to do personal things I want to do, like read, sleep, etc. I try to get up early to spend time with the Lord, but I also love to stay up late enjoying the peace and quiet after the kids are in bed, so my sleep/wake schedule is pretty inconsistent.

I hope that these posts help someone see that it doesn't take a Supermom to homeschool. It just takes an ordinary mom (or dad) who is willing to say yes to God's invitation to daily sow into her children's hearts, even when it's a struggle. A Supermom wouldn't do, actually. Not at all. It takes a weak one.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong" (1 Corinthians 12:10b).

It Doesn't Take a Supermom to Homeschool ... (part 1 of 2)

... because I'm not! (Supermom, that is.)

Yes, I have six children. And yes, I do homeschool them. (Only two of them "officially" so far.) And it is the most fun, hard, crazy, fulfilling, chaotic, exasperating and irreplaceable thing I have ever done.

Homeschooling, like every other aspect of my life, is something I have struggled with in prayer before God. Yes, I have wanted to do it since I myself was a homeschooled student (and loved it). But I still wrestle with God about giving up so much time and energy to educate my children, especially when I am told that the elementary school right across the street from my house is really good. I have sometimes fantasized about those few steps that would whisk my children off into the wonderland of education-by-others, leaving me with an easier day at home.

Easier in some ways, that is.

Sometimes, when homeschooling starts to feel like too much (like every day this week), I go back to the Lord, asking whether I should continue. His words have given me courage:

"It will be harder if you send them to school."

Harder? How?

Well, it depends on my perspective. If my goal is to have more discretionary time to pursue more of my personal goals, then sending them to school would certainly seem to make that easier. But what about the cost? How much more time would I need to spend re-parenting them when they got home? What kind of attitudes would they pick up? Would their hearts remain soft toward God? And would it be worth giving up our daily times of praying, worshiping, and memorizing scripture together?

I quickly realized that He was right. Then I remembered that His primary goal is not their intellectual education. He's after their hearts.

And so I remembered another sentence God spoke to me a couple of years ago:

"Stop telling Me why you can't and ask Me how."

Yes, there are days when I don't know if I can do it. Yes, there are days I want to quit. But on those days, the words above sustain me. I am learning to stop, breathe, and ask Him, "How do You want me to do this today? What are Your goals? This isn't working. I must be off track. Do You have a better way for us to arrange our schedule? Do we need to cut out or add some activities? I need HELP during this time of the day (or with this particular child). Should I stop trying to do ____, or is there another way to approach it?"

Every day I beg God for wisdom and strength.

And guess what? There are many days when I simply love having my children home with me. Most of the time, I look forward to our school times together. Why? Because our home school is not a carbon copy of what they would get across the street. It is perfectly designed for our unique family. It fits us, and it's fun.

It all depends on my perspective.

If I compare my school with the one across the street, I fall short. If I compare my school with private schools, I fall short. Even if I compare my school with other home schools, I fall short. But God has not called me to look at all of them. He has called me to to keep my eyes on Him. So I asked Him, "What do You want me to teach my children? What are the standards that You want us to achieve?"

Somehow, I expected Him to talk to me about their knowledge of English grammar, science, math, reading, and history. But you know what He told me? "Teach them to love Me with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love others as they love themselves" (my paraphrase of Mark 12:30 and Luke 10:27).

Can they do that across the street? Will they even try?

So I continue to homeschool. And I am growing to be OK with being different, maybe even behind in some areas. Because in other areas I know that my kids are learning far more than they could "over there."

I Love My Hair!

The Wolf of Tebron Book Review (Favorite Thing #7)

Recently, my husband decided that I needed to take a break from my usual reading list, which includes mostly non-fiction research topics, to read a new book that he brought home for me. Now, I love fiction, but I rarely find an author that I really enjoy reading. So, having greatly enjoyed this one, I am glad to help spread the word about The Wolf of Tebron. The following is excerpted from an email conversation I had with the author, C. S. Lakin:

Me: I just finished reading The Wolf of Tebron with delight. I feel that I have found a friend in you as one who loves good writing and explores profound themes. I found the opening pages a bit heavy on poetic imagery, but as I continued and grew more accustomed to your writing style, the story drew me in. The frequent quotes from the Bible and great authors gave me much meat to chew on as I enjoyed the twists and turns of the story. Thank you for writing a book that I would recommend to my friends, and one that I would enjoy reading again. I look forward to reading the next book in the series.

Lakin: Thanks so much! One of the reasons I write fantasy in addition to contemporary fiction is to be able to play with language and imagery. The Bible is full of amazing imagery--mountains clapping their hands and rivers singing for joy. People don't often stop to think how God loves poetic imagery too--the world reflects it. I think you'll love the next book--Map across Time. It has less imagery, more Scripture and biblical allegory, and it's a heartbreaking and inspiring tale. It should come out after the New Year.

Me: I find myself continuing to think about certain imagery and concepts that you explored. The idea that humans live in a sort of dream state, not knowing who we really are or where our home is, rings true. Truly we see but dimly now, but then we will see face to face. I also keep pondering Ruyah being at the same time Joran's friend, father, and a type of God/Jesus. It is a rich and complex characterization. Being an adoptive parent, I appreciate the depiction of his adoptive family creating a warm and caring home to which Joran longs to return.

I hope you enjoy The Wolf of Tebron as much as I did!

Favorite Thing #11: Ethnic Hair and Body Care

A friend who is adopting asked for some info about the products I like to use with Crown. I thought it would be fun to share it here too!

For her body, my favorite moisturizer is coconut oil. I buy it at Sunrise Natural Foods for about $11 a tub. (I just get their least expensive brand.) It lasts 6 months or so. I rub it all over her body and face (especially around her nose and mouth, which tends to be her driest area) every morning and after baths. I only give her a bath once or twice a week (unless extra baths are needed due to accidents), and I wash her hair once every week to two weeks. I feel that helps her skin and hair not get too dried out.

For her hair, I use Hawaiian Silky Miracle Worker every day (I get it at Sally's Beauty Supply for about $5 a bottle). In the morning when I oil her body, I also spray HS generously on her hair and massage (if her hair is in twists or ponytails) or brush (if her hair is loose) it in. I have found that a boar bristle brush works best for her fine but very curly hair. It seems to get most of the little tangles out if I work it in sections (which I do about once a week or so - the rest of the time it's usually up in twists or ponytails). If there are larger tangles, I will use a wide-tooth comb, but that does bother her more.

To wash her hair, I use Just for Me brand shampoo and conditioner. It took me some time to find these in Roseville, but recently the Walmart in West Roseville started carrying them. I use regular baby bath soap for her body.

I have also tried some other products that have been recommended to me. I used a Just for Me straightening mist, but I couldn't tell that it did much. Silken Child just made her hair really coarse, though I've heard it's popular. Coconut oil on her hair did the same thing. Olive oil can be used on hair, but I found it a bit too light. I like Carol's Daughter hair milk (which I could only find at Arden Mall Sephora - the one in Roseville doesn't carry it), but it's pretty expensive ($18 per bottle). There are a lot of other products out there that can be tried, but so far I'm happy with the price and relative simplicity of the ones I am currently using.

I do have one other product that I use for twists, Organic Root Stimulator Lock and Twist. I can post more about that later, but I don't want to include too much info in this post.