Lord Jesus, help us to know how sacred is life. Unexpected mysteries hiding around corners. Moments of glory waiting along the path. Oases of silence, listening for Your voice. Exuberant joy in loud, sticky messes. You are in, through, above, and below it all, surrounding and filling. Help us to know You, see You, hear You today.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Today in Louisiana
La HOP
Friday, May 29, 2009
A Taste of Lousiana
Feeding the turtles in the water
The Louxes
All that to say, read this post about Sasha Loux's new wheels! God is so extravagant in His love!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Alana Michelle - 8 days old
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Introducing Alana Michelle Swagerty
We also met Tami, Alana's foster mommy for the first week of her life. She obviously loves Alana as well. She herself has birth and adopted children, and she home schools her kids too! She was sad to let Alana go.
Nothing could have prepared us for the emotions of that time. We laughed and cried, and then we laughed and cried some more. By the time we left, Jennifer said that her tears were happy tears. She seems to be very much at peace with her decision.
We are completely in awe of the amazing gift that we have been given today. We have to keep reminding ourselves that Alana is really ours from the Lord and from her birth mother. The moment when that began to become real to me was when we got to La HOP (where we are staying) and she started acting hungry. I decided to take the plunge and try nursing her - and she latched right on! She has a strong suck, too. Somehow in that moment I knew that she is mine and I am hers forever, and it was meant to be.
Thank you again for all your prayers, love, and support. We are surrounded by grace and favor.
Meeting Pictures Part 2
adoptive mommy Michelle, foster mommy Tami, and birth mommy Jennifer
Meeting Pictures Part 1
97 miles to go!
Heavenly Father, may your peace that passes understanding be tangibly felt in the meeting. Thank you for giving Alana a forever family. Thank you for giving Jennifer a heart that is like yours, thinking nothing of her own pain, but looking ahead for life for her daughter. Wrap your arms around her. Let her feel your love. Amen.
Almost There ...
So today we have appointments between noon and 3pm to meet Alana, her birth mother, her foster mother, the agency, and a lawyer. Please be praying for a covering of peace and joy as the Lord sovereignly joins two families who were previously strangers through the love of this blessed child. She is double, triply, infinitely loved!
We can hardly wait to bring her home to meet all the family and friends who are eagerly awaiting her arrival. Until then ...

More pictures to come!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
We're Adopting! Please Pray!
We covet your prayers as we travel during this very emotional time. Please pray that things will flow smoothly and the paperwork angels will bring their 'A' game. :) Also for the peace that passes understanding for everyone involved.
The baby's birth name is "Alana Michelle". We are in awe of the fact that the birth mother gave her such a perfect name since Alan is Paul's middle name and of course Michelle.
If you would like to be part of what God is doing please click the PayPal button at the top of the page and you can donate. Every little bit helps.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
My Dream Car
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Match Fell Through
We find (somewhat to our surprise) that our hearts are broken over the loss of this child. We tried not to hope too much, but with each day that passed we found ourselves loving and praying for the baby and her mother with a passion that surprised us. So to have the situation fall through is devastating. (We have had other situations fall through - even having thought we had a match once before - but it has not hurt like this before.)
We looked forward to raising this baby with our other children, to the privilege of being able to breast feed her easily since I am having a baby soon, and to continuing to love and pray for her birth mother. Our family and friends were equally excited about welcoming this little one into their lives!
We are now asking the Lord to heal our hearts and help us to move on. He is faithful and has already begun to do so.
Thank you for your love, prayers, and support.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Adoption Update!
Please pray for our conversation to be relaxed and filled with peace.
Also, please be praying that the Lord brings in the funds we need. We have been saving all we can and have enough to get started, but since the baby is due in just a few weeks the full amount will be due very quickly (not sure yet just how quickly--we're hoping for a bit of leniency in this area). We are still figuring out what exactly the full amount will come to.
We know that all of this is no problem for our Abba! He has made the way before us up to now, and we know that if this is His will, He will continue to do so. All of our trust is in Him!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
In Las Vegas, Part 4: Hoover Dam
First, we both really wanted to see Hoover Dam since it is only about 45 minutes away. I had seen it once before while travelling through, and Paul had never seen it. However, we decided at first that we wouldn't. Due to Paul's conference schedule, there was no way that we could get there before dark, much less in time for a tour. Then, Tuesday night we decided, who cares? It will be a nice drive, even if we can't see much, and it will get us out of the city for a little while. So we stopped by In-N-Out for dinner and drove out to the Dam.
I capitalize "dam" here because this is no ordinary dam. Even at night, with construction going on and guards and not being able to walk on it to look down, it was awe-inspiring. It was beautiful. And as we approached, we were amazed to see a gorgeous, huge, partially-finished Bridge suspended over the gorge high above the Dam. We marveled at what it must take to build such a thing. It looks like it should be impossible, and yet we were seeing it right there, larger than life! (Much, much larger.)
We drove over the Dam and parked at a lookout up the hill a little way. Looking back at the Dam and the Bridge, and out over the waters of Lake Mead, it was so peaceful. Definitely a needed break from the Las Vegas Strip. We drove back with hearts full.
I will write about our second Fun Thing in a separate post.
Friday, May 08, 2009
In Adoption News ...
What an adventure this is!!!
In Las Vegas, part 3: A Prayer
"Night after night on my bed I looked for the man I love. I looked for him, but I didn't find him. 'I will get up now and roam the city, through the streets and open places, I will look for the man I love.' I looked for him, but I didn't find him. The guards roaming the city found me. 'Have you seen the man I love?'"
Day after day, night after night, they are looking for the One they love. They may not even realize Who it is they are really looking for. But they don't find Him, so they go look for him in the public places, asking the "guards" for help. The wisdom of the age (represented by the guards) tells them that they will find it by satisfying their lusts, by filling themselves with any pleasure available. So they participate willingly, giving themselves to one another and to whatever pleasure presents itself. They even leave thinking that they have been filled. But they have not found what they are looking for, because the guards don't know how to point them to Him.
"Scarcely had I left them, when I found the man I love. I took hold of him and would not let him go until I had brought him to my mother's house, to the bedroom of the woman who conceived me. I warn you ... not to awaken or stir up love until it wants to arise!" (Song 3:4-5).
Lord, You are the love for which they are searching. You are the magnificent obsession for which they are hungry. Reveal Yourself to them. Help them to stop listening to the "guards" and instead to pass them by, determined to find what truly satisfies. And let them find You, take hold of You, and not let You go. Go with them into the deepest, most intimate places of their hearts and bring healing, hope, and restoration. Let them not be awakened by counterfeit loves, but to arise into Your love. Satisfy them, Lord. Bring their dryness to an end. In all their searching, may they find You and be filled.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
In Las Vegas, part 2: Random Impressions
1) A pleasant surprise greeted us when we arrived at the Las Vegas airport: clean(er than we expected) air! We had prepared ourselves to be hit by a wall of smoke when we arrived, since that's what had happened last time we flew here about three years ago. We couldn't figure out what was going on until we got to the casino (marveling that we could still breathe even here) and spotted a sign explaining the new "Nevada Clean Air Act" which has been passed by voters. Hallelujah! No headaches this time!
2) A not-so pleasant surprise while driving to our hotel: the sight of five men lining the sidewalk on the Las Vegas Strip wearing neon green, yellow, and orange shirts emblazoned with the words "Girls Direct" It was literally a gauntlet that everyone walking on that side of the street had to pass through. I was glad to see that all the people I saw pass through it were refusing to take the flyers the pimps were trying to force on them. It's amazing how institutionalized and open prostitution is here. I've heard about it but had never before seen the evidence with my own eyes. (Thankfully I have been mostly protected from this during our stay since I haven't been outside much. Paul, on the other hand, has had to face it every day. He has gotten so mad that he wants to take a machete to the "news" bins carrying porn. Instead, he picks up as much of the trashy trash as he can on his daily walks to and from the conference center and dumps it in the nearest dumpster.)
3) Circus Circus at 6am: Did you realize that casinos actually close? Well, not the slot machines. I have seen people at those at every time of the day and night. But the restaurants, shops, and vendors actually do close down for the night. Trying to find hot coffee at 6am is not that easy. But I have grown to enjoy those morning walks to the Krispy Kreme shop. The casino is relatively peaceful. Few people are awake, no one is trying to get your attention, and the only people to be seen are other early risers looking for coffee. There's a sort of cameraderie that is completely gone by 8am when everyone and everything else starts waking up. Though it is a bit surreal to walk through the empty halls of a "circus." Zoltar the fortune teller still talks to you when you walk by. It sort of feels like that scene in the 80's movie, "Big."
4) After spending several days here, I both love and hate Las Vegas more than ever. She can be so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. She is meant to be a jewel, but she has settled for being a cheap thrill. (It was sort of sad-funny to see a woman trying to talk us into discounted show tickets search vainly in her book for something "clean" in her book. She finally gave up and acknowledged that she probably had nothing to interest us. Here eyes seemed to say, "So why are you here?" We were sort of wondering the same thing at the time!)
Time to go get the coffee! I hope to post at least one more time before we head home tomorrow.
Monday, May 04, 2009
In Las Vegas, part 1
This morning we got up early and had breakfast together before he went to his conference for the day. This was fun: I got up while he was still sleeping and went on a trek to find coffee for him. At home the past couple of weeks I've been getting him hot tea in the morning to help him wake up earlier, so it felt really good to still be able to do that for him this morning even though I had to be more creative in finding where to get it in a casino at 6am when everything is mostly closed.
Coming here has been such an adventure already! Surrounded by so much that is really bad, we were feeling a bit out of place last night as we were arriving and getting checked in. Then, as we stood in line at registration, I remembered how when I was a kid traveling with my parents, we could go anywhere and it never fazed me at all because I was with them. So many strange places that we ended up sometimes: casinos, bars, even beaches in Europe with people who didn't think the top parts of their swimsuits were necessary. But as a child, I was hardly affected by my surroundings because I was secure in my parents' care. When I told Paul what I was thinking, he said, "There's something to learn there." We began to realize that we still don't need to worry because we are with our God-Daddy, and He is just as much with us here as anywhere else.
As we continued discussing this (mostly me philosophizing and he nodding his head agreeably), a lady motioned for us to follow her to register. We followed her past all the computer stations and then she motioned for us to go through double doors at the end of the counter labeled "VIP - Invited Guests Only." Our mouths dropped open. We grinning at each other as we realized that our Abba was telling us very plainly, "Yes, you are here with Me, and I am taking care of you. Don't be afraid. Trust Me." It was so powerful that we just sort of walked away on a cloud. We felt surrounded by His favor and love!
Anyway, now I am making my schedule for the day so I don't wonder what to do by myself in a hotel room all day. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so used to having my schedule dictated by others' needs that I feel a little lost. I thought a schedule might help me feel a bit more grounded (even if I don't follow it strictly, at least it gives me something to come back to when I finish whatever I'm doing). I've got all our stuff unpacked and arranged so it feels a little more homey here. I'm looking forward to reading my Bible, praying, reading a book, resting, and taking a long bath! Then this evening Paul and I will have dinner together. We are thinking about possibly doing a couple of fun things together this week if it's not too expensive. And, of course, it has to be innocent which is hard to find here. I'm going to look into the possibilities today.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Stop What You Are Doing
"I have blogged about this family once already, but I have such a huge heart for them that I have to blog about them again.
"Their need is now URGENT. They are headed to the Ukraine VERY SOON to adopt an older boy. They are also trying to bring a 17 year old boy home on a student visa. Their story is so compelling and so amazing. They need to raise the money very quickly so they can go get their boys and bring them home.
"If they cannot raise the funds, they cannot bring him home. PERIOD.
"I am praying you would STOP right now and go and donate to their adoption. No amount is too small. Think of some small thing you can give up this week.... a coffee....a fast food lunch.....maybe something even larger ...on behalf of two very special boys. Their chances for adoption at their ages is so slim. And here they have a family who loves them and wants to give them a wonderful life and a FAMILY. And what stands in the way?
"MONEY.
"Should money be the thing that keeps these boys from ever knowing the love of a family?
"We can make this possible. Simply by banning together. We can help these boys. I want them to be derailed with donations. I want to knock their socks off. I want to show them that God DOES provide.
"I made my donation. And trust me when I say right now with two homes, we are not in a great place financially. But, giving SHOULD be a sacrifice. It shouldn't be something we do flippantly. It should be out of love and out of sacrifice. I pray you will find the love in your heart to help bring home Grisha. And Dima on a visa. And in giving you get to be apart of something greater than yourself. You get the honor and privilege of helping an orphan come home to a family.
"You can also spread the word by blogging about Grisha and placing this button on your blog.
"Click the photo below to go to their blog and make a donation."

Grab this button
"Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away" (Matthew 5:42).
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sound of Music
The sheer joy of this makes me long for Jesus' return. We are meant to live in this kind of joy, awe, and wonder all the time. Something inside us knows it, even while we tell ourselves it's too good to last.
My kids can't quite figure out why grownups cry when they're happy. I'm not sure I understand it myself.
Monday, April 20, 2009
***Adoption News Flash Update***
What an emotional roller coaster this can be. I'm glad that our Shepherd knows our path even when we do not!
***Adoption News Flash***
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Bring Liza Home


Rick and I were married almost 4 years ago. We were both single parents before we married who knew we wanted to have more children. When we were dating we started talking about adopting and being foster parents because we knew we were unable to have more children biologically. Rick himself is adopted and I was in foster care as a child so this is something that was near to both of our hearts. We also both have strong hearts for the orphan and those who are downtrodden. We have tried a few times to adopt through different avenues and the door has always been shut to us. We were beginning to think that it was never going to happen. Then a few months ago I had a dream that I was crossing a bridge and I was carrying two children. Rick came beside me, took one of the children out of my arms, and walked on ahead of me. When he was in front of me the child looked at me and smiled like a child would smile at their mother. I noticed that it was a little girl with blonde hair and she had Down syndrome. When I woke up I just knew that I had seen my daughter. Around that time I began to pay more attention to the children on the Reece's Rainbow site again and that's where I found Liza and started to pray for her and all of the rest of the children. The Sunday before we committed to her I felt that Holy Spirit telling me to find out the meaning of her name. After church I looked it up and was floored that it meant "God's Oath". (Before we were married God promised me during a church service that we would have more children.) I immediately stepped up my prayers and asked others to pray as well. That next Friday my husband told me he wanted to commit to her. and now here we are. Believing that god will provide for us to bring her home.
Please visit Journey to a Promise and consider giving a donation to help Liza come home.
http://journeytoapromise.blogspot.com/2009/03/lizas-first-fundraiser.html
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Heart of a Mother
Here is a beautiful article about life by Lorraine V. Murray. This is so encouraging to me with our surprise baby #5, because it reflects my heart.
Most life stories of great men open with their births. But in the case of the greatest man ever born, a man who was also God, the story starts with the actual moment of his conception.
And what a poignant moment it was, when an angel told a young girl that she would bear a son and call him “Jesus.” We can imagine her tangle of emotions at hearing this news.
She had to know that she was in danger of being harshly criticized. In fact, in her day, an unmarried woman who became pregnant faced death by stoning.
So when Mary said, “Let it be done to me according to thy word,” she was in effect saying, “I am willing to face death.”
Mary had plenty of reasons to tell the angel “Go away. Ask someone else.” She could have said, “I’m too young.” Or “I’m not married.” She certainly could have said, “I’m afraid!”
She obviously could have used many of the reasons that women rely on today when they decide to say “no” to a pregnancy: “I’m too poor” or “I’m too young” or “I’m unmarried” or “I have other plans.”
Talk about the ultimate unplanned pregnancy: This was what Mary faced!
It is very likely that many readers of this article are the results of unplanned pregnancies. Some may have been conceived after their parents had decided their family was big enough. Maybe others were conceived because Mom thought she was past childbearing days, and then: Surprise!
But even if a pregnancy is unplanned and comes as a shock to the parents, here is the important part: There is no unplanned life.
You see, God doesn’t create any child accidentally because God doesn’t make mistakes. So even if we stunned our parents, we certainly didn’t surprise God.
And the feast of the Annunciation reminds us of the old saying that “God writes straight with crooked lines.”
Here are some crooked lines in the life of Christ: His mother was very young, and she wasn’t married. But God had everything straightened out to protect Mary, so that Christ would be born nine months later.
God sent an angel to let Joseph know in a dream that Mary’s account of her pregnancy was true. And because Joseph accepted God’s plan and married Mary, she avoided social ostracism and stoning.
There are crooked lines in every life. In my own, my mother had a miscarriage before bearing my older sister, and my sister’s birth was long and dangerous. So arduous, in fact, that the doctors sternly warned my mother against having more children.
And then, on a day near Thanksgiving in Chicago, where my parents were visiting family, my story began: I was conceived in my mother’s womb. And I have to believe that my mother, Grace, had very mixed emotions when the doctors confirmed that she was pregnant.
After all, as she looked into the future, she saw another arduous delivery and maybe even death. But she went ahead and had the baby, the one she named Lorraine with Grace as a middle name.
Obviously, St. Luke could have begun the story of Christ’s life with his birth in the stable, rather than nine months earlier at his conception. But it was not by accident that he opened the narrative where he did.
He was following God’s plan when he wrote the narrative of Christ’s life, and was guided by the Holy Spirit to tell the truth with a capital T.
And that Truth is this: Christ’s life started just like every life begins. The Word was made flesh not in a hospital room, not in an inn, not in a stable.
Instead, God became man in a womb at the very moment Mary said “yes.”
And that womb had to be nurturing and protective, just as the wombs that brought each of us into the world.
Perhaps a reason that Christ’s story begins at conception is to bring a message to a world in which the womb is no longer a safe haven.
Perhaps it is to remind us that the most beautiful words in the world are not those spoken at the birth of a baby when the doctor pronounces the child alive and healthy.
Instead, the most exquisite words are the little veiled conversation that goes on in the heart of the mother many months earlier, when she first learns that she is pregnant.
The loveliest words of all come despite inconvenience, despite having other plans, despite being too young or too old, despite being too poor, despite being scared, despite being unmarried, despite being afraid of death.
The most beautiful words of all come at the moment when the mother whispers to God: “Let it be.” And that’s where the story begins.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Ultrasound pictures!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Tiller Going to Trial Today
Keep praying!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Broken
This brings up so many emotions ... fear of rejection, frustration, hopelessness, anger ... I don't even know how to respond. What are You showing me in this, Lord? I feel helpless on the outside, and with every break and loss I feel more lost and broken on the inside. So I am coming to You to be mended, healed, and found. Please help me.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Apart for Now
So I just want to say that I miss you, Salt Racer. I am glad that we got to talk several times today. You are my best friend. And the best cook! Today we enjoyed eating all the food you had prepared for us yesterday. I don't really want to go to bed because there is no one there waiting for me. But I will, because you just might call me in the morning and I want to be awake for that! I love you.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Home Study Complete!
Now, I don't think home studies have to take that long. But we were kind of moving slow due to our own choices and then our pregnancy slowed us down a bit more.
Nevertheless, we are now able to receive a child whenever God should bring one our way! The next stage can now begin ... we will continue to put money into our adoption fund, and we can also begin to apply for grants and such. And as God brings situations our way, we will continue to be open to them. We are in no hurry. Our home study lasts for three years, and we are willing to wait on God's timing.
One thing that I am continually in awe of is this. Over the past year, Paul's income has increased 36%. Nothing in the natural can account for this. The economy is doing poorly, Paul has only worked for this company less than two years, and he works for a ministry that relies on donations. It can only be God's provision. So we continually ask ourselves, for what purpose has He given us this provision? We continue to seek Him for wisdom in this area.
Please continue to pray with us that God will open doors that no one can shut and close doors that no one can open. We are putting all our trust in Him.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
The Shack
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Adoption News
So it looks like this situation is not for us. The agency is simply not willing to budge on the fees, and we don't have the time (and are not prepared) to be able to raise that amount of money that quickly. They said that they will look for another family for him. So we are continuing to pray that God will place him in just the right family!
Our home study should hopefully be completed next week (we just found out yesterday that there are still a couple of documents missing from our file). Then we will be able to start applying for financial aid and fund raising so that we will be ready when God brings the situation our way that IS for us! We are not in a hurry to make anything happen. We are simply trusting Him in the timing and provision of it all. We're trusting in the leading of our Good Shepherd.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Adoption Update!
When I found out that I was pregnant, the first thing I did was to pray, "Lord, what is this about? Are we ahead of you on adoption?" (In my mind, being pregnant could very possibly end our chances of adopting.) "Did we really hear you when we felt you said now is the time? All we want to do is be obedient to you. We don't NEED to adopt. We have plenty of children by birth. But we have such a burden to provide a home to one or more of Your precious orphans. Are we disqualified? Is this not what You have for us?" And then I opened my Bible to continue my daily reading where I had left off the day before. The chapter before me was John 21, and the words came alive as living manna to my heart. The disciples had been fishing all night with no success, and then Jesus came and told them to throw their nets on the other side of the boat. They wondered, is it really Him? (I was asking the same question, is this really You, Lord, telling us to adopt right now?) They did what He said and then their nets were so full that they couldn't pull them into the boat, but their nets didn't break. I asked God how this applied to me, and He said, "I have an abundance for you, so much that you cannot pull it in without Me. But your nets will not break!" This was challenging to me, but encouraging, so I read on. Later in the chapter, Jesus' question to Peter again pierced my heart. "Do you love Me?" Yes, Jesus, you know that I love you. So very, very much. "Then feed my lambs." Is that all You really need to be able to use me, Lord? Just my love for You? Well, You have it. If You can use it to feed Your lambs, then bring on the lambs. I may not have much wisdom or energy or natural resources, but I do have love for You. You are welcome to use me to feed Your lambs, and I will trust You to provide for everything we need.
That morning conversation with the Lord has stuck with me the past couple of months as we have continued to say "yes" to adoption. We have known that there is not much we can do to convince anyone to "let" us adopt given our somewhat unusual situation (not being an infertile couple and pregnant). But we also knew that if this is what God had for us, then nothing would stand in the way of Him bringing the child He intended for us into our home. We simply did our part to be ready.
So at this point we need your continued prayers. We will be talking to the agency tomorrow to let them know that we are willing to adopt this precious little boy and to work out the details. Please pray that we have favor with them, especially regarding the finances. We are hoping they will be able to come down a bit on the adoption fees, which we have been told will come to about $23,000. We know that the money is no problem for God, but we want to do our part in being good stewards. Also, we will be doing some quick fund raising and applying for financial aid because part of the fees will be due immediately and the rest (I believe) when he is born. So we don't have much time. But ultimately, that's God's problem, not ours, since this was all His idea in the first place. We are praying and believing to be able to do this without going into debt.
Please pray with us that if this is our son, nothing will stop him from coming into our home!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Possible Match Today?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Baby Swagerty!
I am very thankful that the Lord opened a last-minute appointment for me to have an ultrasound today. I found out at 2:15pm that my doctor had scheduled an appointment for me right by my house at 3:05pm. And my sister was already over, so I was able to just go!
The baby looked great! Heartbeat and all ... everything as it should be for a seven-week pregnancy.
Thank You, Lord!!!!!
Feeling Better Today
Monday, December 15, 2008
Please Pray for Me
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Candid
Take a picture of yourself right NOW!
DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair… Just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.
Okay, Courtney, here you go. I like you a lot to post this one taken this morning - before breakfast and before shower - hadn't washed my hair in a WEEK! At least I was holding the baby on my lap. He's cute all the time!
:) :) :)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Not Exactly What I Was Expecting
There are many things that I could say. I could try to defend or explain what seems a bit strange in this day of birth control and voluntary sterilization. But I won't. Not right now. My mouth is closed before the God who made the universe, who holds the stars in His hands, and who holds my heart. Suffice it to say that as we are following His leading to the best of our ability, He is teaching us to trust Him in ways that are deeper and more glorious than I'd ever anticipated.
I have been joking that while I am very glad to be welcoming another baby into our family (after all, I have been looking forward to that anyway), I am somewhat in denial about the process that child is taking to get here. I think she (yes, my guess is that it's a girl) is just going to be dropped off on our doorstep next August, and we will welcome her joyfully. My heart is open to welcome any and every child the Lord sees fit to bring to us. And, having spent half of my seven years of marriage pregnant, I am now at a point that it seems better not to dwell on that fact too much. I am trusting that God will give me the strength to do what He asks of me.
One question has come up many times as others have heard that we are pregnant. "Are you still going to adopt?" That is the question that I would like to address here. It is a question that has been weighing on my heart for weeks, months even. When we started the home study process, knowing that we may still become pregnant at some point along the way, we looked at each other and said, "If we get pregnant, we won't stop this time."
You see, we have begun the adoption process twice before. I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. Many times, both before and since marrying my Salt Racer, I have cried out to the Lord in tears, asking when I will be released to adopt. When my husband and I had the usual premarital conversation, "So, how many kids do you want?" I made him answer first. "2.3" was, I believe, the answer he gave. So I decided to go for the jugular. "I want six," I said. I figured that he'd either run away right then and there, or he would reconsider his position. He didn't run, and since then he has become at least as committed to having a large family as I am. And his heart to adopt is equally strong.
There are many days, many moments, when I think I must be crazy. It is not easy to be a stay-at-home mother to four children five and under, especially when I am pregnant (sick, tired, in pain, etc.) half the time. When I look at my circumstances, I am easily overwhelmed.
Then there is always the question, what social worker or birth mother is going to think that we should be able to adopt a child whose future is in their hands? We certainly don't fit the usual paradigm of adoptive parents.
So this is the conclusion that we've come to. It seems reasonable enough. We are going to finish up our home study (which is valid for three years) and simply be available. Should the Lord see fit to bless our family with any children through adoption, we will be ready. And if three years pass without our adopting, then we will seek the Lord about updating it so that we will continue to be ready.
You see, we figure that we can "easily" fit eight children in our home, and possibly more with some creative thinking. So why not go for as many as we can? We feel a bit like Oscar Schindler at the end of Schindler's List, "I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more." In light of the alternative (babies being aborted and abandoned), the difficulties fade in magnitude.
That is my "reasonable" state of mind. But my heart is crying out, "No! I don't want to just 'be ready'! I don't want to take no for an answer! I know a little girl right now who needs a mommy and daddy to love her. Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?" So what if human reasoning says it's too much? So what if it's a risk? I don't want to live by that kind of thinking anymore. I want to live by the kind of thinking that instead of saying, "I can't," says, "Yes, Lord! Show me how!"
I KNOW that He will meet us there. I KNOW that He loves a heart of faith that doesn't tell Him, "Enough!" I KNOW that He will honor a heart that continues, no matter what, to say, "More, Lord!" Yes, in my own strength it is impossible. But He never asked me to live by my own strength, did He? No, He most certainly did not.
Even if He gently says, "Not yet, little one," I know that He loves my heart. He is not thinking, "Foolish little girl who wants to take on the world but doesn't know her own limitations." (Even though that's what I'm afraid He thinks in my lower moments.) No, what He is thinking is, "I love that! I love that you trust Me so much! That you want to walk in such a place of dependence on Me that you are willing to take on more than you know you can handle on your own. Don't worry, I will meet you there. I will give you an abundance, and your nets will not break. Don't fear, you will feed many lambs for me."
And so, are we still going to adopt? YES!!!! As long as there is breath in me, I will continue to hope that the Lord will allow us to adopt at least one child, if not more. And I will continue to welcome every precious life that He brings to us, whether "homegrown" or "transplanted."
Thank You, Lord, for Your many blessings. Help me not to be afraid but to walk in the reality of Your love which casts out all fear. I love You!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Thoughts on Adoption, part 2
I have been reflecting that I have a choice. I can live by man's rules, which tell me to save, invest, and provide for myself. There is a certain amount of wisdom in this. But then there are God's rules, which say to throw everything I have into His treasury and trust Him for the outcome (see Luke 18:18-22; 21:3-4).
Paul and I have decided that we would rather live by God's rules. This may cause us to have some need at times as our Father teaches us to trust Him completely. After all, didn't Jesus allow the people to become hungry before He multiplied the loaves and fishes for them? But as we water others, pouring out what has been given to us to meet others' needs, we trust that we ourselves will also be watered when it's our turn to drink.
"The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, And he who wins souls is wise" (Proverbs 11:30 NKJV).
The Amplified says, "he who is wise captures human lives." We are privileged to offer ourselves and all our resources (financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) to capture a few human lives for Jesus. Some of them have been captured into our family by birth and others, we hope, through adoption. But what better way to spend ourselves that this?
I remind myself of this frequently when I look at my own natural resources of wisdom, energy, time, and money, and know that I do not have what it takes. I am glad that I do not, for then I have to rely on the One who gives me strength. And that is right where He wants me to be.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Last Word
Then I saw this. Tonight, who best to speak but one of the silenced masses who by God's grace lived to tell about it? Watch this beautiful, eloquent woman and be encouraged. There is a God, and He loves us so much.
I ask, Lord, that You will give me such holy boldness as You have given Gianna. I beg You to teach me to rejoice in being hated as she has been hated since before she was born. As You were hated. And to love those who are hating You in me. My Daddy loves me too!



