In Pain

My soul is in anguish. My spirit cries out.

The world is in pain. And yet it dances the night away.

And babies die.

Does anyone care? Does anyone notice.

There are mommies who cry tonight. And yet the world says dance.
And so they do.

Why?

Why dance?

There is other music playing. Another song is being sung.
Just listen harder and you can hear it.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

And when you listen your spirit soars.

Listen to the song of ages. Listen to the song of songs. It is a quiet song. It is not a loud song. But it is the oldest song.

You don't like it because it isn't new. You want the latest. The latest will fade. The newest will age.

But this song will remain. This song is the oldest. But this song will always be the latest. As the world looks for the next best thing. After you have been used up and discarded, the song still sings.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

Just listen.

Compelling

This applies not only to Catholics but to all American Christians. Well worth watching.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

My Beloved and Me

My beautiful, talented sister, Charlotte, who is eight months pregnant, graciously agreed to take these pictures of us last week. We thought it was time since we haven't had couple pictures done for a few years, and we just celebrated our 7th anniversary. (Woo hoo!)

How Does Your Garden Grow!

Happy Anniversary, my beloved Salt Racer!



I am so proud of you. You are an excellent gardener. The work that you do in your vegetable garden reflects the careful and conscientious way that you also care for our family. And both are growing well! Sometimes the fruit is hidden, but when you look it is there, under the leaves. I know that you often think you don't measure up to your own standards, but I want to let you know that you far exceed mine. Your love for us is evident in everything that you do, in the faces of our children, and in my heart.

Thank you for seven incredible years! I look forward to many, many more.

All my respect and love,
Michelle

1000 Gifts

I continue to add to my 1000 Gifts list whenever I remember to. I love seeing it gradually grow - I'm getting close to 200! It is good for me to remember how many good gifts my Father gives me every day:

139. Deliverance from darkness.
140. Bright bowls brimming with ripe, red tomatoes.
141. Migrating geese flying low overhead.
142. Children's cries of delight as they run to see the honking geese and a rumbling airplane--their private airshow from Heaven.
143. Early morning cuddles, kisses, and coo's with baby.
144. Increasing clarity of mind and lightness of heart.
145. Casting all cares on Him who cares for me.
146. Giving away as much as possible, then looking for opportunities to give more.
147. Trusting Abba to provide.
148. Soothing sound of circulating fans in quiet, sunny rooms.
149. Hiss of early morning sprinklers watering thirsty lawns.
150. Sprinkler rainbow illuminating children's slide.
151. Small hands harvesting ripe fruit.
152. Enjoying bounty right from the vine: "Can I eat one, Mama? Two? Three?"
153. Filling little hands with Abba's goodness--juicy manna bursting with sweetness.
154. Sun's light-play on walls.

Lord, let Your light shine in me today, peeking through my windows, seeping around the cracks. I open my heart and mind to You fully so that I may receive more of You flooding my soul.

Answered Prayer!

We have an amazing, wonderful Father who loves to plan fun surprises for us!

OK, so here's the story:

We have decided to go with Bethany Christian Services for our home study. Since we do not know what state we will be adopting from, we need a home study that will transfer to any state, and Bethany can provide this. They are an agency that we have known about for a long time, and we feel comfortable working with them for the home study process.

However, we discovered that the cost of a home study has gone up significantly in the past few years. We had started the process of adopting thinking that the home study would be $1200. We had that amount of money set aside already, so we figured we were set to get through the home study and then we would have to start trusting God for the money to adopt. :) Imagine our dismay when we discovered that the home study would actually cost $2500! That gave us pause for a few days as we processed whether we should go ahead and start the home study with a $500 down payment, not knowing where we would get the money to complete the home study. Yesterday evening, we sat down to talk and seek God's will about all of this. After reading these verses, ...

"He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know what is the way of the wind, or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, so you do not know the works of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening do not withhold your hand; for you do not know which will prosper, either this or that, or whether both alike will be good" (Ecc 11:4-6 NKJV).

... we had peace about going ahead and sowing our seed in faith, trusting that God would cause it to prosper. Whether or not He did, we knew that we were sowing in faith and that He would be glorified.

(By the way, I thought it very interesting that right in the middle of this passage about sowing is the bit about "how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child." A little apropos for adopting?)

So Paul went to the post office and mailed our home study application and the $500 application fee. Afterward Paul went for a walk and gave it all to the Lord (again), asking Him to provide the rest of the money we need for the home study and adoption. Then, today at work, his boss came by with a big surprise: a job promotion and a twenty percent raise effective immediately.

As a result, we will now be able to pay for the home study out of Paul's raise! After that, we plan to put all of the extra pay (less tithe of course) into our adoption account to help with future adoption expenses.

We are completely floored at God's goodness. Praise Him!!!! He has made the path clear before us, and we are on our way into the next phase of the adoption process. Home study, here we come!

Thoughts on Adoption, part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Why are we doing this? Is it a good idea? Are we hearing God, or just going off half-cocked with good intentions but little wisdom? What will people think? What does God think?

I know what I think. I think we're more than a little crazy. We have four children already. Our oldest is five, and our youngest is five months. There are many days when I wonder how in the world I will survive the next five years--no, minutes. In nearly seven years of marriage, we have yet to go more than nine months of our marriage without getting pregnant, and in addition to our four living children, we have had two miscarriages. In the natural, it makes sense that this would be a time to step back and regroup, not a time to step it up yet again.

And yet.

There is a burning in my heart that will not be ignored. And when I tap into that place, that God-space inside me, all of my objections are burned away in an instant. Suddenly I don't care how tired I am, how messy my house gets, or how much more I have to slow down my life. Suddenly I realize that my life is not getting more complicated by adding more children. No, with each additional child my life becomes less complicated. My focus turns more and more toward home, toward love, toward being. I have much less time and energy for outside activities and lots of doing. Instead, I find myself stopping, looking into little faces, smiling, laughing. Oh, there are still the moments (and they are many) when I think I am going to collapse under the drain of the continual need of the little people in my life. But then I am constrained once again to look at what I am really trying to do, who I am really called to be. To refocus my gaze. To stop trying so hard. To relax and let this season be what it is.

What is this season?

This is not a season for outward accomplishments. This is not a season for pursuing goals. This is not a season for being SuperMom. This is not a season for doing much at all.

And yet ... it is.

It is a season for digging deep. It is a season for gazing at the face of the One I love most in the countenances of His children. For wiping His tears, bandaging His owies, preparing His food, and, yes, even changing His diapers. It is a season for becoming less, less, and then much, much less, while He becomes more, more and more again within me, to me, through me, around me, above me, beneath me, permeating the very air I breathe.

It is a season for becoming, for discovering who I am in His heart as all my outward identities are stripped away. A season for being hidden in the palm of His hand, being fed from His table, and delighting in the intimacy of His gaze. A season for knowing that, though I am mostly invisible to the outside world, though most of my accomplishments go unnoticed, He sees. A season for learning that that is enough. It is more than enough. It is everything.

It is a season for learning that He is enough.

I meant to focus on adoption in this post, but my heart is so full that I couldn't even get that far. Think of this as the preamble. I have much more to share another time. For now, wherever you may be, whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself, I pray that in that very place you will find God. He is so worth finding that all the struggle becomes nothing compared with the delight of knowing Him.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:17-18 NKJV)

Our Home Study

**This post is by Paul, my husband and a new contributor to this blog. -Michelle**

After a few phone calls and one divine encounter, we have found the agency that will be conducting our home study. This was a somewhat difficult process because it is important to find a Christian social worker who understands our family dynamic and how our religion influences our decisions -- such our decision to adopt.

When you decided to adopt and then start telling people, some people look at you like "but you already have kids"? When they do, it is clear that they don't yet understand that there can be more than one motivation behind a decision to adopt. We didn't want a social worker with that mind set conducting our home study.

So, just after signing the contract with CAC, we had a divine encounter at church with a friend who just so happens to be the director of adoption from a local foster and adoption agency. We were able to sit with him for nearly 30 minutes and ask questions until his ears nearly fell off. We were hoping that someone from his agency would be able to conduct the home study. Since adoption is a new area for them (they have been doing foster placements for a couple decades), he didn't recomment that we go through them for our home study (which will probably need to transfer out of state). However, in talking with him, I was able to learn a lot of the language that they use. This helped a great deal when I talked with the other two agencies that I contacted.

When I called the first agency I had a bad phone connection. This could have clued me in to the fact that it wasn't going to work out, but undaunted by my circumstances, I pressed on. I was transferred in what seemed like a handset to handset transfer and I imagined a guy in the background yelling "Hey Sue! Someone's on the phone for you!" When "Sue" picked up the phone, I could barely hear her. I wondered if she could hear me, but every time I asked her to speak a little louder she did, so I assume she heard me when I said, "Yes, we already have a contract with a consultant." That still didn't deter her from going into the hard pitch about how great her agency is and how they can do so much, and if we work with them direct the cost would be less, etc, etc. As soon as she got to the cost factor, my red flag detector went off. All of a sudden I could see what I looked like to her, a big fat wad of $100 bills. I politely excused myself from the conversation and hung up. "Moving on ...," I thought. I was a little bummed, because I was really hoping this agency would work out. But I knew God had a plan, so I wasn't very concerned.

There was a third agency that I had on my list to call. I was hoping to do it this week, but yesterday I started out having a really rough day at work. Stuff just wasn't working, and anything that I did seemed to make it worse. I looked like I was going to have to stay very, very late to get things straightened out. Then Michelle prayed for me. Within fifteen minutes, everything started working. To my relief, I discovered that nothing I had done was the cause of all the problems. I was merely exposing problems that already existed. I saw my day go from really long to wondering what to do with myself for the rest of the day. So I made a call to the third agency.

I got the front desk lady. "Yes, we already have kids. We still want to adopt." "Oh, okay. What county please?" Shocked at the reply, I actually answered with the wrong county. After quickly corrected my mistake, I was transferred to the social worker responsible for that county. She picked up the phone, "Hello, Paul?" Again I was floored. The professionalism mixed with personal contact was amazing after the impersonal hard sell I had gotten from the other agency. I started to get a very good feeling.

After several minutes of conversation, I realized that the social worked had no intention of telling me how great her agency was or how foolish I was for not having signed up with them. She was completely on board with our situation and willing to work with us and provide a home study that would transfer to another agency. She put an application packet in the mail, and over the next few months our house and family will be undergoing the process of a home study.

In the process of looking for an agency, we found out that the cost of home studies in this county (and perhaps the rest of the state, though I don't know) has gone up considerably. When we started, we calculated that we had just enough money to pay for the home study at the typical rate of $1200-$1500. They are now around $2500-$3000. Please pray that God will provide the additional money needed for the home study. We are completely open to His will, and we have complete peace about moving forward, but we are holding all of this with an open hand.

Thank you for praying with us!

My Boys

Last weekend the girls went camping with their grandparents, so I got to spend some time with just my boys!

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.

Pictures of Kole!

It takes me a while to get some things done, but eventually, by God's grace, they do get done! Here are pictures of our little Thunder, Kole, for the first four months of his life. From hospital to home, baby shower, visiting friends and relatives, and lots of love from big sisters and brothers, he is enjoying life. Have fun looking at some of the highlights. (Click on picture to access web album.)

Kole's 1st Four Months

If you would like the full story, go to "Kole's Story."

Surprise: We're expecting!

Dear Friends and Family:

It's true! Another baby is on the way!

We are very excited. We have just signed a contract with Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). They are not an agency themselves, but they work with agencies from across the country to find suitable homes for babies. Because we already have children and have no issues with fertility (quite the opposite!) we have found that we don't fit the "standard" profile of adoptive couples. The benefits for us deciding to use CAC instead of going with an agency directly is that we will have access to a much larger pool of children and they will be able to match us with agencies that are willing to accommodate our particular situation.

As many of you know, we have long desired to adopt, having even pursued it twice. Each time God has closed the doors for us. We have left this path of family growth in God's hands, and he has been faithful. Recently, we both have felt the Holy Spirit urging us to go ahead and try again, so here we are!

Our desire is to provide a home for an African-American baby. The need for adoption of minority children is so high that agencies discount their costs to encourage couples to adopt across racial lines. Even with those discounts, the costs for adoption will easily reach $20,000 or more. That is certainly an amount of money we don't have, but the Lord does! We are approaching adoption as much excitement and as much of an open heart as with the birth of any of our children.

We hope to be conducting the home study during the fall and to be matched with a baby within a year from now.

If you would like, you can follow along this journey here with us on Michelle's family blog.

With joy,
Paul and Michelle

New Auto Repair Shop in Auburn!

My dear friend, Becki McGinnis, and her husband Bryan have opened up their own auto repair business in Auburn. I know that this has been their dream for a long time. Congratulations, Becki and Bryan!

An Honorable Calling?

Yesterday I was talking with a group of friends about adoption. One lady started asking what kind of adoption each of us desires. I said that my heart is to adopt an African-American baby domestically. She responded, "That is honorable." I kind of did a double take and looked at her, so she repeated herself. "That is really honorable that you would do that." I know that she meant to express approval, but the comment actually bothered me quite a bit. Why should it be honorable to do what seems to me so obvious?

When my husband and I began researching domestic adoption, we heard that it took a long time because domestic babies were in high demand. We had no desire to stand in line to get a baby that will be adopted anyway, so we started asking where the area of need was. Who are the babies that end up being raised in the foster system? We quickly found out that one major group of children who have a hard time finding families are African-American babies. So we immediately decided that we would adopt in that demographic. Why not? Maybe we're naive (certainly some of the reading I have done would try to convince me that we are). Maybe there are issues that I don't understand. But bottom line, these are children who need a family, and we are a family who want more children to love.

Isn't it really that simple? I'm not saying easy; it is never easy to love. Laying down your life day in and day out for another person is always challenging. (I find that true with the four children I already have.) But I don't think Jesus said to love one another when it's easy or when it's convenient. He simply said to love. So why should I place conditions on whom I love? And why should it be more honorable to love one person more than another? Jesus made no such distinctions, and I pray that He will give me the grace to do the same.

So, while I appreciate the intention behind the compliment, I pray that all of our hearts will change until the first thing we see about another person is not the color of their skin, hair, eyes, or any other outward quality, though I find the differences beautiful and fascinating. (And, lest I sound holier-than-thou, let me point out that I still have much growing to do in this area myself.) When we look at one another, may we first see a brother to love.

Lord, please give us the grace to really love one another the way You love us.

Reesa's Birthday

From 2008-06 Reesa...

Reesa had such a fun birthday! She reveled in two whole days of being the self-proclaimed Birthday Queen, and we were all her willing subjects.

Expectations

Thoughts about me
Thoughts about others
Good, bad
Rehearsed
Over and over
Again and again

Poison
Fogging mind
Impairing thinking
Clouding emotions
Veiling eyes

Blinded
From Your Face
Deaf
To Your Voice
Disabled
From discernement

Cleanse me
From heady addiction
To praise and censure
Temporary highs
Terrible lows
Distracting from reality

Help me see, hear, know
Only You
Letting others' opinions go
Even my own
Hoarding no thoughts but Yours
Listening only to Your voice
Believing only what You say
For You alone are Truth
Freedom

Dancing at RHOP

 

My children had a fun time dancing at RHOP today. I thought this one looked cool - actioney!

Transformed by Joy

Last weekend at the RHOP Encountering God Service, Diane Parnell quoted Mike Bickle:

"Whatever we behold (by meditation unto revalation) in God's heart toward us becomes awakened in our heart back to God (transformation)."

My ears immediately perked up. What do I need most while battling depression these days (and what do I most feel that I lack)? Joy! Did I just hear a way for joy to be awakened in my heart - by meditating on the joy in God's heart toward me? That very evening I began looking up scriptures on joy, for where better to behold God's heart than through the verbal expression of His heart toward me, His Word?

This is the verse that I found this morning:

"Then Ezra told then, Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet drink, and send portions to him for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. And be not grieved and depressed, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold" (Nehemiah 8:10 AMP).

This is said in the context of guilt (oh, how I relate!)--the people had just read the law and realized that they had not been keeping it. They wanted to mourn. Yet at that very moment, the Lord was rejoicing over them. He desired to strengthen them by His joy. So instead of declaring a fast, He declared a feast. They feasted on the goodness of His love and mercy toward them, turning their hearts toward the One who gives good gifts, including the joy that gives the strength to obey.

Jesus does not want me to obey out of guilt or shame or even self-discipline--though, like crutches, these can help me along for a time. But when His joy has made me strong, I will cast them aside and "run the way of [His] commandments" (Psalm 119:32).

Jesus' greatest earthly act of obedience was done out of no lesser motivation than joy (Hebrews 12:2). I tend to think that joy is more of a childish motivation, and that "just because I have to" is more grown-up. But Jesus Himself, who told us to become like little children, was motivated by joy!

By joy I can run to my Papa-God, throw myself fearlessly into His arms, and receive His bear hugs and kisses. He is not frowning at me; no, He has sweet things in His pockets that He wants to lavish upon me. I can hear him saying to me, "Don't sit over there in the dark, dusty corner with your crust of bread, measuring it our carefully to make sure it will last. Lift up your eyes! Turn your face to me! Behold My joy! All around you is light and laughter and music and celebration. I am throwing this party for you! Come, join in my rejoicing. Don't be so cautious about with your feelings. Be My little girl again. Laugh and run and jump and play with Me. Let's have a tickle fight. I have so much for you. Come and get it!"

I have often heard that God does not look like Santa Claus. Doubtless that is true--He is so much more. But He is certainly not less! And right now, gazing upon His joy, He looks more like that jolly man than anything else I can picture. Rather than reducing God, it raises Santa to a place of holy significance as an image of God, the giver of all good gifts. And unlike Santa, He doesn't give them based on whether we are naughty or nice. In his joyful compassion, He simply gives out of His never-ending goodness.

I am coming, Big Papa. Hold Your arms out wide! I am hungry for Your love.

Food for Thought

“All reading of the Book is not reading of the Word. It was Jesus Christ, and not theology, that filled the hearts of the men who wrote those Epistles—Jesus Christ, whom I found not in the Epistles but in the Gospels. And until we understand the Gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ—until we understand Him, until we have His Spirit—all the Epistles are to us a sealed book.

“The Gospels then took hold of me as never before. I found out that I had known nothing at all—that I had only a certain surface knowledge which tended to ignorance, because it fostered the delusion that I did know. Know that Man, Christ Jesus? Ah, Lord, I would go through fire and water to sit at Thy table in Thy kingdom, but dare I say now I know Thee?

“I found, as I read, that His very presence in my thoughts smoothed the troubled waters of my spirit, so that even while the storm lasted, I was able to walk upon them to go to Him. And when those waters became clear, I most rejoiced in their clearness because they mirrored His form” (George MacDonald, The Parish Papers, p. 54).