Kole is Walking!

I think this video is too cute not to share.

Baby Swagerty!

 

I am very thankful that the Lord opened a last-minute appointment for me to have an ultrasound today. I found out at 2:15pm that my doctor had scheduled an appointment for me right by my house at 3:05pm. And my sister was already over, so I was able to just go!

The baby looked great! Heartbeat and all ... everything as it should be for a seven-week pregnancy.

Thank You, Lord!!!!!

Feeling Better Today

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me. I am doing better today. Nothing has become very clear yet. The good news is that the bleeding has slowed. Yesterday it was very light and today I have seen no blood. Still a little cramping but nothing severe. I saw my doctor yesterday who ordered blood tests and an ultrasound to find out how the baby is doing, so we should be getting results sometime this week. In the meantime I'm continuing to take it easy. My sister, Christal, is helping me out this week as well as our friend, Anne, and my mother in law, Helen. These amazing people simply volunteered to help out; we didn't ask anyone! God completely amazes me how He takes care of us all the time.

Please Pray for Me

Please pray for me today. Saturday evening I started bleeding (like a light period) and it hasn't stopped (though it has slowed down). I also have been having some mild cramping and lower back pain. Hubby has been taking care of the kids and house for the past couple of days, but he needs to go back to work today. The house is messy, which always depresses me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding an appointment today. The heater went out yesterday, so we're waiting for our rental agency to send someone to fix it. We have space heaters all over the house which thankfully are doing a pretty good job fending off the cold. I really need a shower and just want to cry. I know all these things are merely circumstantial, but I'm having a hard time with my perspective today. I know that everyone can relate to "one of those" days/weekends/whatever. Worst of all is that I feel all messed up inside, like none of my thoughts are right. I REALLY need God's perspective today.

Candid

The assignment:

Take a picture of yourself right NOW!

DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair… Just take a picture.

Post that picture with NO editing.

Post these instructions with your picture.


Okay, Courtney, here you go. I like you a lot to post this one taken this morning - before breakfast and before shower - hadn't washed my hair in a WEEK! At least I was holding the baby on my lap. He's cute all the time!

 

:) :) :)

Not Exactly What I Was Expecting

I have been wanting to post for a long time. There is so much on my heart about adopting and God's heart. But recently I have been rather speechless at the turn that the path has taken in the journey our good Shepherd is leading us on. Just as we are finishing up our home study, we find ourselves pregnant ... again.

There are many things that I could say. I could try to defend or explain what seems a bit strange in this day of birth control and voluntary sterilization. But I won't. Not right now. My mouth is closed before the God who made the universe, who holds the stars in His hands, and who holds my heart. Suffice it to say that as we are following His leading to the best of our ability, He is teaching us to trust Him in ways that are deeper and more glorious than I'd ever anticipated.

I have been joking that while I am very glad to be welcoming another baby into our family (after all, I have been looking forward to that anyway), I am somewhat in denial about the process that child is taking to get here. I think she (yes, my guess is that it's a girl) is just going to be dropped off on our doorstep next August, and we will welcome her joyfully. My heart is open to welcome any and every child the Lord sees fit to bring to us. And, having spent half of my seven years of marriage pregnant, I am now at a point that it seems better not to dwell on that fact too much. I am trusting that God will give me the strength to do what He asks of me.

One question has come up many times as others have heard that we are pregnant. "Are you still going to adopt?" That is the question that I would like to address here. It is a question that has been weighing on my heart for weeks, months even. When we started the home study process, knowing that we may still become pregnant at some point along the way, we looked at each other and said, "If we get pregnant, we won't stop this time."

You see, we have begun the adoption process twice before. I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. Many times, both before and since marrying my Salt Racer, I have cried out to the Lord in tears, asking when I will be released to adopt. When my husband and I had the usual premarital conversation, "So, how many kids do you want?" I made him answer first. "2.3" was, I believe, the answer he gave. So I decided to go for the jugular. "I want six," I said. I figured that he'd either run away right then and there, or he would reconsider his position. He didn't run, and since then he has become at least as committed to having a large family as I am. And his heart to adopt is equally strong.

There are many days, many moments, when I think I must be crazy. It is not easy to be a stay-at-home mother to four children five and under, especially when I am pregnant (sick, tired, in pain, etc.) half the time. When I look at my circumstances, I am easily overwhelmed.

Then there is always the question, what social worker or birth mother is going to think that we should be able to adopt a child whose future is in their hands? We certainly don't fit the usual paradigm of adoptive parents.

So this is the conclusion that we've come to. It seems reasonable enough. We are going to finish up our home study (which is valid for three years) and simply be available. Should the Lord see fit to bless our family with any children through adoption, we will be ready. And if three years pass without our adopting, then we will seek the Lord about updating it so that we will continue to be ready.

You see, we figure that we can "easily" fit eight children in our home, and possibly more with some creative thinking. So why not go for as many as we can? We feel a bit like Oscar Schindler at the end of Schindler's List, "I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more." In light of the alternative (babies being aborted and abandoned), the difficulties fade in magnitude.

That is my "reasonable" state of mind. But my heart is crying out, "No! I don't want to just 'be ready'! I don't want to take no for an answer! I know a little girl right now who needs a mommy and daddy to love her. Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?" So what if human reasoning says it's too much? So what if it's a risk? I don't want to live by that kind of thinking anymore. I want to live by the kind of thinking that instead of saying, "I can't," says, "Yes, Lord! Show me how!"

I KNOW that He will meet us there. I KNOW that He loves a heart of faith that doesn't tell Him, "Enough!" I KNOW that He will honor a heart that continues, no matter what, to say, "More, Lord!" Yes, in my own strength it is impossible. But He never asked me to live by my own strength, did He? No, He most certainly did not.

Even if He gently says, "Not yet, little one," I know that He loves my heart. He is not thinking, "Foolish little girl who wants to take on the world but doesn't know her own limitations." (Even though that's what I'm afraid He thinks in my lower moments.) No, what He is thinking is, "I love that! I love that you trust Me so much! That you want to walk in such a place of dependence on Me that you are willing to take on more than you know you can handle on your own. Don't worry, I will meet you there. I will give you an abundance, and your nets will not break. Don't fear, you will feed many lambs for me."

And so, are we still going to adopt? YES!!!! As long as there is breath in me, I will continue to hope that the Lord will allow us to adopt at least one child, if not more. And I will continue to welcome every precious life that He brings to us, whether "homegrown" or "transplanted."

Thank You, Lord, for Your many blessings. Help me not to be afraid but to walk in the reality of Your love which casts out all fear. I love You!

What Really Matters

My husband posted about what really matters. It is worth reading.

Thoughts on Adoption, part 2

"There is one who scatters, yet increases more; And there is one who withholds more than is right, But it leads to poverty. The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself" (Proverbs 11:24-25 NKJV).

I have been reflecting that I have a choice. I can live by man's rules, which tell me to save, invest, and provide for myself. There is a certain amount of wisdom in this. But then there are God's rules, which say to throw everything I have into His treasury and trust Him for the outcome (see Luke 18:18-22; 21:3-4).

Paul and I have decided that we would rather live by God's rules. This may cause us to have some need at times as our Father teaches us to trust Him completely. After all, didn't Jesus allow the people to become hungry before He multiplied the loaves and fishes for them? But as we water others, pouring out what has been given to us to meet others' needs, we trust that we ourselves will also be watered when it's our turn to drink.

"The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, And he who wins souls is wise" (Proverbs 11:30 NKJV).

The Amplified says, "he who is wise captures human lives." We are privileged to offer ourselves and all our resources (financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) to capture a few human lives for Jesus. Some of them have been captured into our family by birth and others, we hope, through adoption. But what better way to spend ourselves that this?

I remind myself of this frequently when I look at my own natural resources of wisdom, energy, time, and money, and know that I do not have what it takes. I am glad that I do not, for then I have to rely on the One who gives me strength. And that is right where He wants me to be.

If You Want to Cry ...

Watch this and be blown away at how much you are loved.

The Last Word

I really wanted to post something tonight, but I have had very little to say. My heart is filled with sadness and hope. I can only cry out to God for His love and mercy and forgiveness.

Then I saw this. Tonight, who best to speak but one of the silenced masses who by God's grace lived to tell about it? Watch this beautiful, eloquent woman and be encouraged. There is a God, and He loves us so much.



I ask, Lord, that You will give me such holy boldness as You have given Gianna. I beg You to teach me to rejoice in being hated as she has been hated since before she was born. As You were hated. And to love those who are hating You in me. My Daddy loves me too!

One Vote Counts

When our childen are gown, they will want to know what we stood for.

Here is a four-minute video to pass on. Reminds me of the America I believed in as a child.

http://www.valuevotersusa.com/

What?!?

Read this to see why it is so important to pass Proposition 8:

First Graders Taken to San Francisco City Hall For Gay Wedding

With hope,
Michelle

Another Moment of Grace

And when Salt Racer (aka Knight in Shining Armor) came home early from work, he brought these:

 

Thank You again.

Moment of Grace

 

Yesterday was a really hard day. I cried a lot of tears while crying out to the Lord. But in the morning, there was this bright, peaceful moment. Something (One my heart knows well) told me to take pictures and remember. The kids and I sat on a blanket on our picnic table (the only dry spot in the back yard) to pray and read the Bible together. I want to thank You publicly, Lord, for this moment of grace.

What to do today?

What to do today?
Many chores beckon,
Duties never-ending,
Children always needing,
Errands to be done.
But ...
Baby niece born last night
Tiny bundle of sweetness
Life beginning, makes me think
What really matters?
Should I vacuum all the house
Fold the laundry, organize,
Bead a necklace, shop for food,
Practice piano, write a song?
Somehow I don't know where to start
Today - just a Tuesday, I guess
But not.
This is the only "today" I have
These hours precious, not to be
Spent carelessly.
so tell me please
What would You have me do today?

Vote Yes on Prop 8

This video is eye-opening.

In Pain

My soul is in anguish. My spirit cries out.

The world is in pain. And yet it dances the night away.

And babies die.

Does anyone care? Does anyone notice.

There are mommies who cry tonight. And yet the world says dance.
And so they do.

Why?

Why dance?

There is other music playing. Another song is being sung.
Just listen harder and you can hear it.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

And when you listen your spirit soars.

Listen to the song of ages. Listen to the song of songs. It is a quiet song. It is not a loud song. But it is the oldest song.

You don't like it because it isn't new. You want the latest. The latest will fade. The newest will age.

But this song will remain. This song is the oldest. But this song will always be the latest. As the world looks for the next best thing. After you have been used up and discarded, the song still sings.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

Just listen.

Compelling

This applies not only to Catholics but to all American Christians. Well worth watching.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

My Beloved and Me

My beautiful, talented sister, Charlotte, who is eight months pregnant, graciously agreed to take these pictures of us last week. We thought it was time since we haven't had couple pictures done for a few years, and we just celebrated our 7th anniversary. (Woo hoo!)