We're Adopting! Please Pray!

We just received word yesterday of a precious baby girl born on May 20th who was in need of a family. After a whirlwind of phone calls and emails, we were placed in contact with the birth mother today at 11am. We were able to talk with her for a very long time on the phone and just fell in love with her (and she with us)! So what that means is that we are suddenly leaving for Shreveport, LA Tuesday morning to pick up our new baby girl. We will be arriving in Shreveport Wednesday morning to begin the paperwork process.

We covet your prayers as we travel during this very emotional time. Please pray that things will flow smoothly and the paperwork angels will bring their 'A' game. :) Also for the peace that passes understanding for everyone involved.

The baby's birth name is "Alana Michelle". We are in awe of the fact that the birth mother gave her such a perfect name since Alan is Paul's middle name and of course Michelle.

If you would like to be part of what God is doing please click the PayPal button at the top of the page and you can donate. Every little bit helps.

My Dream Car

I have recently found my new dream car. Here is a picture:




I can just imagine driving up to church in this beauty and piling out with my half-dozen kids. Wouldn't that be awesome???

Match Fell Through

I have been too sad to post anything for the past couple of days, but I think I can say something now. We found out Tuesday morning that the birth mother who had chosen our family changed her mind. Here is what I wrote as I processed my thoughts:

We find (somewhat to our surprise) that our hearts are broken over the loss of this child. We tried not to hope too much, but with each day that passed we found ourselves loving and praying for the baby and her mother with a passion that surprised us. So to have the situation fall through is devastating. (We have had other situations fall through - even having thought we had a match once before - but it has not hurt like this before.)

We looked forward to raising this baby with our other children, to the privilege of being able to breast feed her easily since I am having a baby soon, and to continuing to love and pray for her birth mother. Our family and friends were equally excited about welcoming this little one into their lives!

We are now asking the Lord to heal our hearts and help us to move on. He is faithful and has already begun to do so.

Thank you for your love, prayers, and support.

Adoption Update!

So we were able to talk with the agency today and get more information about our baby's birth mother and the overall situation. It is starting to look like this might really happen! We are hoping to talk with the birth mother later this week by phone conference. That will be our "match meeting," after which she and we will confirm whether we still feel right about going forward. I am so nervous about that conversation! I'm sure she is too. Then, assuming all goes well, we will sign the contracts and move forward.

Please pray for our conversation to be relaxed and filled with peace.

Also, please be praying that the Lord brings in the funds we need. We have been saving all we can and have enough to get started, but since the baby is due in just a few weeks the full amount will be due very quickly (not sure yet just how quickly--we're hoping for a bit of leniency in this area). We are still figuring out what exactly the full amount will come to.

We know that all of this is no problem for our Abba! He has made the way before us up to now, and we know that if this is His will, He will continue to do so. All of our trust is in Him!

In Las Vegas, Part 4: Hoover Dam

I had mentioned in my first Las Vegas post that I was looking for a couple of Fun Things that Paul and I could do together in the evenings. We found (and did) them!

First, we both really wanted to see Hoover Dam since it is only about 45 minutes away. I had seen it once before while travelling through, and Paul had never seen it. However, we decided at first that we wouldn't. Due to Paul's conference schedule, there was no way that we could get there before dark, much less in time for a tour. Then, Tuesday night we decided, who cares? It will be a nice drive, even if we can't see much, and it will get us out of the city for a little while. So we stopped by In-N-Out for dinner and drove out to the Dam.

I capitalize "dam" here because this is no ordinary dam. Even at night, with construction going on and guards and not being able to walk on it to look down, it was awe-inspiring. It was beautiful. And as we approached, we were amazed to see a gorgeous, huge, partially-finished Bridge suspended over the gorge high above the Dam. We marveled at what it must take to build such a thing. It looks like it should be impossible, and yet we were seeing it right there, larger than life! (Much, much larger.)

We drove over the Dam and parked at a lookout up the hill a little way. Looking back at the Dam and the Bridge, and out over the waters of Lake Mead, it was so peaceful. Definitely a needed break from the Las Vegas Strip. We drove back with hearts full.

I will write about our second Fun Thing in a separate post.

In Adoption News ...

We just can't wait to share the news that we have been picked by a birth mom!!!!!! She lives in Illinois, and she said she picked our family because she wants her baby to have siblings. There are several formalities to go through before this is fully official, but this is the first real step. It looks like OUR baby GIRL will be born around June 30 (just over seven weeks away!). We are so excited!!!!!!!!! We're going to have "twins"!!

What an adventure this is!!!

In Las Vegas, part 3: A Prayer

This week, as I read the following in Song 3:1-3. I felt that it was a picture of the hearts of the people in Las Vegas and in our nation/culture:

"Night after night on my bed I looked for the man I love. I looked for him, but I didn't find him. 'I will get up now and roam the city, through the streets and open places, I will look for the man I love.' I looked for him, but I didn't find him. The guards roaming the city found me. 'Have you seen the man I love?'"

Day after day, night after night, they are looking for the One they love. They may not even realize Who it is they are really looking for. But they don't find Him, so they go look for him in the public places, asking the "guards" for help. The wisdom of the age (represented by the guards) tells them that they will find it by satisfying their lusts, by filling themselves with any pleasure available. So they participate willingly, giving themselves to one another and to whatever pleasure presents itself. They even leave thinking that they have been filled. But they have not found what they are looking for, because the guards don't know how to point them to Him.

"Scarcely had I left them, when I found the man I love. I took hold of him and would not let him go until I had brought him to my mother's house, to the bedroom of the woman who conceived me. I warn you ... not to awaken or stir up love until it wants to arise!" (Song 3:4-5).

Lord, You are the love for which they are searching. You are the magnificent obsession for which they are hungry. Reveal Yourself to them. Help them to stop listening to the "guards" and instead to pass them by, determined to find what truly satisfies. And let them find You, take hold of You, and not let You go. Go with them into the deepest, most intimate places of their hearts and bring healing, hope, and restoration. Let them not be awakened by counterfeit loves, but to arise into Your love. Satisfy them, Lord. Bring their dryness to an end. In all their searching, may they find You and be filled.

In Las Vegas, part 2: Random Impressions

It's amazing how full my days have been even when I have most of the day to myself in a hotel room. Those long, luxurious baths and naps really eat up the time! :) But I have been wanting to post a short list of impressions of this ugly, beautiful city.

1) A pleasant surprise greeted us when we arrived at the Las Vegas airport: clean(er than we expected) air! We had prepared ourselves to be hit by a wall of smoke when we arrived, since that's what had happened last time we flew here about three years ago. We couldn't figure out what was going on until we got to the casino (marveling that we could still breathe even here) and spotted a sign explaining the new "Nevada Clean Air Act" which has been passed by voters. Hallelujah! No headaches this time!

2) A not-so pleasant surprise while driving to our hotel: the sight of five men lining the sidewalk on the Las Vegas Strip wearing neon green, yellow, and orange shirts emblazoned with the words "Girls Direct" It was literally a gauntlet that everyone walking on that side of the street had to pass through. I was glad to see that all the people I saw pass through it were refusing to take the flyers the pimps were trying to force on them. It's amazing how institutionalized and open prostitution is here. I've heard about it but had never before seen the evidence with my own eyes. (Thankfully I have been mostly protected from this during our stay since I haven't been outside much. Paul, on the other hand, has had to face it every day. He has gotten so mad that he wants to take a machete to the "news" bins carrying porn. Instead, he picks up as much of the trashy trash as he can on his daily walks to and from the conference center and dumps it in the nearest dumpster.)

3) Circus Circus at 6am: Did you realize that casinos actually close? Well, not the slot machines. I have seen people at those at every time of the day and night. But the restaurants, shops, and vendors actually do close down for the night. Trying to find hot coffee at 6am is not that easy. But I have grown to enjoy those morning walks to the Krispy Kreme shop. The casino is relatively peaceful. Few people are awake, no one is trying to get your attention, and the only people to be seen are other early risers looking for coffee. There's a sort of cameraderie that is completely gone by 8am when everyone and everything else starts waking up. Though it is a bit surreal to walk through the empty halls of a "circus." Zoltar the fortune teller still talks to you when you walk by. It sort of feels like that scene in the 80's movie, "Big."

4) After spending several days here, I both love and hate Las Vegas more than ever. She can be so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. She is meant to be a jewel, but she has settled for being a cheap thrill. (It was sort of sad-funny to see a woman trying to talk us into discounted show tickets search vainly in her book for something "clean" in her book. She finally gave up and acknowledged that she probably had nothing to interest us. Here eyes seemed to say, "So why are you here?" We were sort of wondering the same thing at the time!)

Time to go get the coffee! I hope to post at least one more time before we head home tomorrow.

In Las Vegas, part 1

We got away!!! After six weeks of nearly continuous illness in our household, Salt Racer is still recovering from pink eye, but thankfully the rest of us haven't gotten it this time. And our wonderful, stupendous family all decided to go ahead and watch our kids anyway so that my hubby and I can get away together for a week in Las Vegas. (He has a conference to attend for work and invited me to come along so I can rest during the day and we can hang out - alone together! - at night.)

This morning we got up early and had breakfast together before he went to his conference for the day. This was fun: I got up while he was still sleeping and went on a trek to find coffee for him. At home the past couple of weeks I've been getting him hot tea in the morning to help him wake up earlier, so it felt really good to still be able to do that for him this morning even though I had to be more creative in finding where to get it in a casino at 6am when everything is mostly closed.

Coming here has been such an adventure already! Surrounded by so much that is really bad, we were feeling a bit out of place last night as we were arriving and getting checked in. Then, as we stood in line at registration, I remembered how when I was a kid traveling with my parents, we could go anywhere and it never fazed me at all because I was with them. So many strange places that we ended up sometimes: casinos, bars, even beaches in Europe with people who didn't think the top parts of their swimsuits were necessary. But as a child, I was hardly affected by my surroundings because I was secure in my parents' care. When I told Paul what I was thinking, he said, "There's something to learn there." We began to realize that we still don't need to worry because we are with our God-Daddy, and He is just as much with us here as anywhere else.

As we continued discussing this (mostly me philosophizing and he nodding his head agreeably), a lady motioned for us to follow her to register. We followed her past all the computer stations and then she motioned for us to go through double doors at the end of the counter labeled "VIP - Invited Guests Only." Our mouths dropped open. We grinning at each other as we realized that our Abba was telling us very plainly, "Yes, you are here with Me, and I am taking care of you. Don't be afraid. Trust Me." It was so powerful that we just sort of walked away on a cloud. We felt surrounded by His favor and love!

Anyway, now I am making my schedule for the day so I don't wonder what to do by myself in a hotel room all day. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so used to having my schedule dictated by others' needs that I feel a little lost. I thought a schedule might help me feel a bit more grounded (even if I don't follow it strictly, at least it gives me something to come back to when I finish whatever I'm doing). I've got all our stuff unpacked and arranged so it feels a little more homey here. I'm looking forward to reading my Bible, praying, reading a book, resting, and taking a long bath! Then this evening Paul and I will have dinner together. We are thinking about possibly doing a couple of fun things together this week if it's not too expensive. And, of course, it has to be innocent which is hard to find here. I'm going to look into the possibilities today.

Stop What You Are Doing

I read the below this morning and have made my donation. Please join me!

"I have blogged about this family once already, but I have such a huge heart for them that I have to blog about them again.

"Their need is now URGENT. They are headed to the Ukraine VERY SOON to adopt an older boy. They are also trying to bring a 17 year old boy home on a student visa. Their story is so compelling and so amazing. They need to raise the money very quickly so they can go get their boys and bring them home.

"If they cannot raise the funds, they cannot bring him home. PERIOD.

"I am praying you would STOP right now and go and donate to their adoption. No amount is too small. Think of some small thing you can give up this week.... a coffee....a fast food lunch.....maybe something even larger ...on behalf of two very special boys. Their chances for adoption at their ages is so slim. And here they have a family who loves them and wants to give them a wonderful life and a FAMILY. And what stands in the way?

"MONEY.

"Should money be the thing that keeps these boys from ever knowing the love of a family?

"We can make this possible. Simply by banning together. We can help these boys. I want them to be derailed with donations. I want to knock their socks off. I want to show them that God DOES provide.

"I made my donation. And trust me when I say right now with two homes, we are not in a great place financially. But, giving SHOULD be a sacrifice. It shouldn't be something we do flippantly. It should be out of love and out of sacrifice. I pray you will find the love in your heart to help bring home Grisha. And Dima on a visa. And in giving you get to be apart of something greater than yourself. You get the honor and privilege of helping an orphan come home to a family.

"You can also spread the word by blogging about Grisha and placing this button on your blog.

"Click the photo below to go to their blog and make a donation."


Grab this button

"Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away" (Matthew 5:42).

Sound of Music

The sheer joy of this makes me long for Jesus' return. We are meant to live in this kind of joy, awe, and wonder all the time. Something inside us knows it, even while we tell ourselves it's too good to last.

My kids can't quite figure out why grownups cry when they're happy. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

***Adoption News Flash Update***

Thank you for praying! We just found out that another family was chosen for this little girl. Praise God for placing her in a family so quickly!

What an emotional roller coaster this can be. I'm glad that our Shepherd knows our path even when we do not!

***Adoption News Flash***

Our profile is being presented today to an agency which apparently has custody of a three-day-old baby girl. The birth mother has already terminated her parental rights. If we are the family God has chosen for her, we are ready to go pick her up. If He has another family in mind for her, we want everything to go smoothly for them. Please pray with us that God's will be done in her life! I will post another update when I know more.

Bring Liza Home

Here is a story I read today on Adoption Connect, a blog I follow. Please click the link below if you would like to donate $10 or more to help bring Liza home. As a bonus, you will also be entered into a raffle!

Rick and I were married almost 4 years ago. We were both single parents before we married who knew we wanted to have more children. When we were dating we started talking about adopting and being foster parents because we knew we were unable to have more children biologically. Rick himself is adopted and I was in foster care as a child so this is something that was near to both of our hearts. We also both have strong hearts for the orphan and those who are downtrodden. We have tried a few times to adopt through different avenues and the door has always been shut to us. We were beginning to think that it was never going to happen. Then a few months ago I had a dream that I was crossing a bridge and I was carrying two children. Rick came beside me, took one of the children out of my arms, and walked on ahead of me. When he was in front of me the child looked at me and smiled like a child would smile at their mother. I noticed that it was a little girl with blonde hair and she had Down syndrome. When I woke up I just knew that I had seen my daughter. Around that time I began to pay more attention to the children on the Reece's Rainbow site again and that's where I found Liza and started to pray for her and all of the rest of the children. The Sunday before we committed to her I felt that Holy Spirit telling me to find out the meaning of her name. After church I looked it up and was floored that it meant "God's Oath". (Before we were married God promised me during a church service that we would have more children.) I immediately stepped up my prayers and asked others to pray as well. That next Friday my husband told me he wanted to commit to her. and now here we are. Believing that god will provide for us to bring her home.


Please visit Journey to a Promise and consider giving a donation to help Liza come home.

http://journeytoapromise.blogspot.com/2009/03/lizas-first-fundraiser.html

The Heart of a Mother

Here is a beautiful article about life by Lorraine V. Murray. This is so encouraging to me with our surprise baby #5, because it reflects my heart.

Most life stories of great men open with their births. But in the case of the greatest man ever born, a man who was also God, the story starts with the actual moment of his conception.

And what a poignant moment it was, when an angel told a young girl that she would bear a son and call him “Jesus.” We can imagine her tangle of emotions at hearing this news.

She had to know that she was in danger of being harshly criticized. In fact, in her day, an unmarried woman who became pregnant faced death by stoning.

So when Mary said, “Let it be done to me according to thy word,” she was in effect saying, “I am willing to face death.”

Mary had plenty of reasons to tell the angel “Go away. Ask someone else.” She could have said, “I’m too young.” Or “I’m not married.” She certainly could have said, “I’m afraid!”

She obviously could have used many of the reasons that women rely on today when they decide to say “no” to a pregnancy: “I’m too poor” or “I’m too young” or “I’m unmarried” or “I have other plans.”

Talk about the ultimate unplanned pregnancy: This was what Mary faced!

It is very likely that many readers of this article are the results of unplanned pregnancies. Some may have been conceived after their parents had decided their family was big enough. Maybe others were conceived because Mom thought she was past childbearing days, and then: Surprise!

But even if a pregnancy is unplanned and comes as a shock to the parents, here is the important part: There is no unplanned life.

You see, God doesn’t create any child accidentally because God doesn’t make mistakes. So even if we stunned our parents, we certainly didn’t surprise God.

And the feast of the Annunciation reminds us of the old saying that “God writes straight with crooked lines.”

Here are some crooked lines in the life of Christ: His mother was very young, and she wasn’t married. But God had everything straightened out to protect Mary, so that Christ would be born nine months later.

God sent an angel to let Joseph know in a dream that Mary’s account of her pregnancy was true. And because Joseph accepted God’s plan and married Mary, she avoided social ostracism and stoning.

There are crooked lines in every life. In my own, my mother had a miscarriage before bearing my older sister, and my sister’s birth was long and dangerous. So arduous, in fact, that the doctors sternly warned my mother against having more children.

And then, on a day near Thanksgiving in Chicago, where my parents were visiting family, my story began: I was conceived in my mother’s womb. And I have to believe that my mother, Grace, had very mixed emotions when the doctors confirmed that she was pregnant.

After all, as she looked into the future, she saw another arduous delivery and maybe even death. But she went ahead and had the baby, the one she named Lorraine with Grace as a middle name.

Obviously, St. Luke could have begun the story of Christ’s life with his birth in the stable, rather than nine months earlier at his conception. But it was not by accident that he opened the narrative where he did.

He was following God’s plan when he wrote the narrative of Christ’s life, and was guided by the Holy Spirit to tell the truth with a capital T.

And that Truth is this: Christ’s life started just like every life begins. The Word was made flesh not in a hospital room, not in an inn, not in a stable.

Instead, God became man in a womb at the very moment Mary said “yes.”

And that womb had to be nurturing and protective, just as the wombs that brought each of us into the world.

Perhaps a reason that Christ’s story begins at conception is to bring a message to a world in which the womb is no longer a safe haven.

Perhaps it is to remind us that the most beautiful words in the world are not those spoken at the birth of a baby when the doctor pronounces the child alive and healthy.

Instead, the most exquisite words are the little veiled conversation that goes on in the heart of the mother many months earlier, when she first learns that she is pregnant.

The loveliest words of all come despite inconvenience, despite having other plans, despite being too young or too old, despite being too poor, despite being scared, despite being unmarried, despite being afraid of death.

The most beautiful words of all come at the moment when the mother whispers to God: “Let it be.” And that’s where the story begins.

Ultrasound pictures!

Well, we got the big news! We're having a boy!! For the fuller story, please click here to read Paul's post and see some ultrasound pictures.

Tiller Going to Trial Today

Tiller is going to trial today for illegally aborting many, many babies. Oh, how I remember praying outside his abortion clinic and outside his home as a teenager that God would put an end to his atrocities. Lord, answer our prayers! And in Your kindness, lead him to repentance!

Keep praying!

19 Weeks

Here's me at 19 weeks, along with my girls who love their new baby so much already.

Broken

I have always been a bit clumsy, but it seems like lately there has been a rash of breakages and losses in our house. From the broken serving bowls a couple of weeks ago, lost cell phone and charger (finally found after three weeks) and other miscellaneous things, to today when I broiled the bread rising in the oven, along with the mixing bowl ($50 to replace) and plastic wrap covering it.

This brings up so many emotions ... fear of rejection, frustration, hopelessness, anger ... I don't even know how to respond. What are You showing me in this, Lord? I feel helpless on the outside, and with every break and loss I feel more lost and broken on the inside. So I am coming to You to be mended, healed, and found. Please help me.

Apart for Now

I miss my husband tonight. He is away on a business trip this week, and while I do much better these days than I used to when he is gone, I still miss him a lot.

So I just want to say that I miss you, Salt Racer. I am glad that we got to talk several times today. You are my best friend. And the best cook! Today we enjoyed eating all the food you had prepared for us yesterday. I don't really want to go to bed because there is no one there waiting for me. But I will, because you just might call me in the morning and I want to be awake for that! I love you.

Home Study Complete!

I am very excited to announce that our home study is finally complete! We started our adoption process last summer, started our home study around September I think, and finally (officially as of Feb. 19), we are legally cleared to adopt. Hallelujah!

Now, I don't think home studies have to take that long. But we were kind of moving slow due to our own choices and then our pregnancy slowed us down a bit more.

Nevertheless, we are now able to receive a child whenever God should bring one our way! The next stage can now begin ... we will continue to put money into our adoption fund, and we can also begin to apply for grants and such. And as God brings situations our way, we will continue to be open to them. We are in no hurry. Our home study lasts for three years, and we are willing to wait on God's timing.

One thing that I am continually in awe of is this. Over the past year, Paul's income has increased 36%. Nothing in the natural can account for this. The economy is doing poorly, Paul has only worked for this company less than two years, and he works for a ministry that relies on donations. It can only be God's provision. So we continually ask ourselves, for what purpose has He given us this provision? We continue to seek Him for wisdom in this area.

Please continue to pray with us that God will open doors that no one can shut and close doors that no one can open. We are putting all our trust in Him.

Y.O.P.P.

I saw the video below on this webpage.

Another Review of The Shack

Here is another review of The Shack that I think is very good.

The Shack-My Review

The Shack

Since The Shack seems to be such an item of conversation recently, I thought I'd better read it. My thoughts, while not fully formed, are quite in agreement with much of what this reviewer says in his five creatively different reviews.

Adoption News

Thank you so much for continuing to pray with us about this situation that we have been presented with this week. What an exciting, emotional week it has been for us!

So it looks like this situation is not for us. The agency is simply not willing to budge on the fees, and we don't have the time (and are not prepared) to be able to raise that amount of money that quickly. They said that they will look for another family for him. So we are continuing to pray that God will place him in just the right family!

Our home study should hopefully be completed next week (we just found out yesterday that there are still a couple of documents missing from our file). Then we will be able to start applying for financial aid and fund raising so that we will be ready when God brings the situation our way that IS for us! We are not in a hurry to make anything happen. We are simply trusting Him in the timing and provision of it all. We're trusting in the leading of our Good Shepherd.

Adoption Update!

Thanks so much for responding quickly to our request for prayer yesterday. We got THE CALL today from the agency in Las Vegas telling us that if we want the baby, he's ours! We have been praying and processing all day ... this is what we have dreamed of for so long. Can it actually be happening? I mean, we have so tried not to push this. We have moved really slowly on our home study, which is still a week away from completion. We have not yet submitted applications to adoption agencies. We have four young children and are pregnant. Through all of this we have questioned and prayed and asked again and again if we are on the right track and every time God has responded with an unequivocal YES! From Paul's raise at the beginning of our home study (which has covered all our adoption expenses so far) to the continued peace we have had (in the midst of our minds telling us we must be crazy) to the fact that we have done NOTHING to get this baby ... He is literally being offered to us without our having done any of the mounds of paperwork and applications and sending out of our profile to several agencies, being presented to different birth moms, waiting to be chosen ... none of that. We were simply called and asked if we were interested, and we say yes! What is this? It must be God, because it certainly isn't our doing, and it isn't what we were prepared to expect.

When I found out that I was pregnant, the first thing I did was to pray, "Lord, what is this about? Are we ahead of you on adoption?" (In my mind, being pregnant could very possibly end our chances of adopting.) "Did we really hear you when we felt you said now is the time? All we want to do is be obedient to you. We don't NEED to adopt. We have plenty of children by birth. But we have such a burden to provide a home to one or more of Your precious orphans. Are we disqualified? Is this not what You have for us?" And then I opened my Bible to continue my daily reading where I had left off the day before. The chapter before me was John 21, and the words came alive as living manna to my heart. The disciples had been fishing all night with no success, and then Jesus came and told them to throw their nets on the other side of the boat. They wondered, is it really Him? (I was asking the same question, is this really You, Lord, telling us to adopt right now?) They did what He said and then their nets were so full that they couldn't pull them into the boat, but their nets didn't break. I asked God how this applied to me, and He said, "I have an abundance for you, so much that you cannot pull it in without Me. But your nets will not break!" This was challenging to me, but encouraging, so I read on. Later in the chapter, Jesus' question to Peter again pierced my heart. "Do you love Me?" Yes, Jesus, you know that I love you. So very, very much. "Then feed my lambs." Is that all You really need to be able to use me, Lord? Just my love for You? Well, You have it. If You can use it to feed Your lambs, then bring on the lambs. I may not have much wisdom or energy or natural resources, but I do have love for You. You are welcome to use me to feed Your lambs, and I will trust You to provide for everything we need.

That morning conversation with the Lord has stuck with me the past couple of months as we have continued to say "yes" to adoption. We have known that there is not much we can do to convince anyone to "let" us adopt given our somewhat unusual situation (not being an infertile couple and pregnant). But we also knew that if this is what God had for us, then nothing would stand in the way of Him bringing the child He intended for us into our home. We simply did our part to be ready.

So at this point we need your continued prayers. We will be talking to the agency tomorrow to let them know that we are willing to adopt this precious little boy and to work out the details. Please pray that we have favor with them, especially regarding the finances. We are hoping they will be able to come down a bit on the adoption fees, which we have been told will come to about $23,000. We know that the money is no problem for God, but we want to do our part in being good stewards. Also, we will be doing some quick fund raising and applying for financial aid because part of the fees will be due immediately and the rest (I believe) when he is born. So we don't have much time. But ultimately, that's God's problem, not ours, since this was all His idea in the first place. We are praying and believing to be able to do this without going into debt.

Please pray with us that if this is our son, nothing will stop him from coming into our home!

Possible Match Today?

Please be praying for us today! We just got a call this morning from Christian Adoption Consultants about a baby boy who is due to be born around Feb. 13 in Las Vegas. The agency wants to make a match today, and we are being presented to them as a possibility! Please pray 1) that God would direct the agency as they choose a family for this little boy (apparently the agency is choosing in this case, not the birth parents), and 2) that if we are chosen God will provide the money needed quickly! I am working on applying for grants today.

Kole is Walking!

I think this video is too cute not to share.

Baby Swagerty!

 

I am very thankful that the Lord opened a last-minute appointment for me to have an ultrasound today. I found out at 2:15pm that my doctor had scheduled an appointment for me right by my house at 3:05pm. And my sister was already over, so I was able to just go!

The baby looked great! Heartbeat and all ... everything as it should be for a seven-week pregnancy.

Thank You, Lord!!!!!

Feeling Better Today

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me. I am doing better today. Nothing has become very clear yet. The good news is that the bleeding has slowed. Yesterday it was very light and today I have seen no blood. Still a little cramping but nothing severe. I saw my doctor yesterday who ordered blood tests and an ultrasound to find out how the baby is doing, so we should be getting results sometime this week. In the meantime I'm continuing to take it easy. My sister, Christal, is helping me out this week as well as our friend, Anne, and my mother in law, Helen. These amazing people simply volunteered to help out; we didn't ask anyone! God completely amazes me how He takes care of us all the time.

Please Pray for Me

Please pray for me today. Saturday evening I started bleeding (like a light period) and it hasn't stopped (though it has slowed down). I also have been having some mild cramping and lower back pain. Hubby has been taking care of the kids and house for the past couple of days, but he needs to go back to work today. The house is messy, which always depresses me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding an appointment today. The heater went out yesterday, so we're waiting for our rental agency to send someone to fix it. We have space heaters all over the house which thankfully are doing a pretty good job fending off the cold. I really need a shower and just want to cry. I know all these things are merely circumstantial, but I'm having a hard time with my perspective today. I know that everyone can relate to "one of those" days/weekends/whatever. Worst of all is that I feel all messed up inside, like none of my thoughts are right. I REALLY need God's perspective today.

Candid

The assignment:

Take a picture of yourself right NOW!

DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair… Just take a picture.

Post that picture with NO editing.

Post these instructions with your picture.


Okay, Courtney, here you go. I like you a lot to post this one taken this morning - before breakfast and before shower - hadn't washed my hair in a WEEK! At least I was holding the baby on my lap. He's cute all the time!

 

:) :) :)

Not Exactly What I Was Expecting

I have been wanting to post for a long time. There is so much on my heart about adopting and God's heart. But recently I have been rather speechless at the turn that the path has taken in the journey our good Shepherd is leading us on. Just as we are finishing up our home study, we find ourselves pregnant ... again.

There are many things that I could say. I could try to defend or explain what seems a bit strange in this day of birth control and voluntary sterilization. But I won't. Not right now. My mouth is closed before the God who made the universe, who holds the stars in His hands, and who holds my heart. Suffice it to say that as we are following His leading to the best of our ability, He is teaching us to trust Him in ways that are deeper and more glorious than I'd ever anticipated.

I have been joking that while I am very glad to be welcoming another baby into our family (after all, I have been looking forward to that anyway), I am somewhat in denial about the process that child is taking to get here. I think she (yes, my guess is that it's a girl) is just going to be dropped off on our doorstep next August, and we will welcome her joyfully. My heart is open to welcome any and every child the Lord sees fit to bring to us. And, having spent half of my seven years of marriage pregnant, I am now at a point that it seems better not to dwell on that fact too much. I am trusting that God will give me the strength to do what He asks of me.

One question has come up many times as others have heard that we are pregnant. "Are you still going to adopt?" That is the question that I would like to address here. It is a question that has been weighing on my heart for weeks, months even. When we started the home study process, knowing that we may still become pregnant at some point along the way, we looked at each other and said, "If we get pregnant, we won't stop this time."

You see, we have begun the adoption process twice before. I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. Many times, both before and since marrying my Salt Racer, I have cried out to the Lord in tears, asking when I will be released to adopt. When my husband and I had the usual premarital conversation, "So, how many kids do you want?" I made him answer first. "2.3" was, I believe, the answer he gave. So I decided to go for the jugular. "I want six," I said. I figured that he'd either run away right then and there, or he would reconsider his position. He didn't run, and since then he has become at least as committed to having a large family as I am. And his heart to adopt is equally strong.

There are many days, many moments, when I think I must be crazy. It is not easy to be a stay-at-home mother to four children five and under, especially when I am pregnant (sick, tired, in pain, etc.) half the time. When I look at my circumstances, I am easily overwhelmed.

Then there is always the question, what social worker or birth mother is going to think that we should be able to adopt a child whose future is in their hands? We certainly don't fit the usual paradigm of adoptive parents.

So this is the conclusion that we've come to. It seems reasonable enough. We are going to finish up our home study (which is valid for three years) and simply be available. Should the Lord see fit to bless our family with any children through adoption, we will be ready. And if three years pass without our adopting, then we will seek the Lord about updating it so that we will continue to be ready.

You see, we figure that we can "easily" fit eight children in our home, and possibly more with some creative thinking. So why not go for as many as we can? We feel a bit like Oscar Schindler at the end of Schindler's List, "I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more." In light of the alternative (babies being aborted and abandoned), the difficulties fade in magnitude.

That is my "reasonable" state of mind. But my heart is crying out, "No! I don't want to just 'be ready'! I don't want to take no for an answer! I know a little girl right now who needs a mommy and daddy to love her. Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?" So what if human reasoning says it's too much? So what if it's a risk? I don't want to live by that kind of thinking anymore. I want to live by the kind of thinking that instead of saying, "I can't," says, "Yes, Lord! Show me how!"

I KNOW that He will meet us there. I KNOW that He loves a heart of faith that doesn't tell Him, "Enough!" I KNOW that He will honor a heart that continues, no matter what, to say, "More, Lord!" Yes, in my own strength it is impossible. But He never asked me to live by my own strength, did He? No, He most certainly did not.

Even if He gently says, "Not yet, little one," I know that He loves my heart. He is not thinking, "Foolish little girl who wants to take on the world but doesn't know her own limitations." (Even though that's what I'm afraid He thinks in my lower moments.) No, what He is thinking is, "I love that! I love that you trust Me so much! That you want to walk in such a place of dependence on Me that you are willing to take on more than you know you can handle on your own. Don't worry, I will meet you there. I will give you an abundance, and your nets will not break. Don't fear, you will feed many lambs for me."

And so, are we still going to adopt? YES!!!! As long as there is breath in me, I will continue to hope that the Lord will allow us to adopt at least one child, if not more. And I will continue to welcome every precious life that He brings to us, whether "homegrown" or "transplanted."

Thank You, Lord, for Your many blessings. Help me not to be afraid but to walk in the reality of Your love which casts out all fear. I love You!

What Really Matters

My husband posted about what really matters. It is worth reading.

Thoughts on Adoption, part 2

"There is one who scatters, yet increases more; And there is one who withholds more than is right, But it leads to poverty. The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself" (Proverbs 11:24-25 NKJV).

I have been reflecting that I have a choice. I can live by man's rules, which tell me to save, invest, and provide for myself. There is a certain amount of wisdom in this. But then there are God's rules, which say to throw everything I have into His treasury and trust Him for the outcome (see Luke 18:18-22; 21:3-4).

Paul and I have decided that we would rather live by God's rules. This may cause us to have some need at times as our Father teaches us to trust Him completely. After all, didn't Jesus allow the people to become hungry before He multiplied the loaves and fishes for them? But as we water others, pouring out what has been given to us to meet others' needs, we trust that we ourselves will also be watered when it's our turn to drink.

"The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, And he who wins souls is wise" (Proverbs 11:30 NKJV).

The Amplified says, "he who is wise captures human lives." We are privileged to offer ourselves and all our resources (financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) to capture a few human lives for Jesus. Some of them have been captured into our family by birth and others, we hope, through adoption. But what better way to spend ourselves that this?

I remind myself of this frequently when I look at my own natural resources of wisdom, energy, time, and money, and know that I do not have what it takes. I am glad that I do not, for then I have to rely on the One who gives me strength. And that is right where He wants me to be.

If You Want to Cry ...

Watch this and be blown away at how much you are loved.

The Last Word

I really wanted to post something tonight, but I have had very little to say. My heart is filled with sadness and hope. I can only cry out to God for His love and mercy and forgiveness.

Then I saw this. Tonight, who best to speak but one of the silenced masses who by God's grace lived to tell about it? Watch this beautiful, eloquent woman and be encouraged. There is a God, and He loves us so much.



I ask, Lord, that You will give me such holy boldness as You have given Gianna. I beg You to teach me to rejoice in being hated as she has been hated since before she was born. As You were hated. And to love those who are hating You in me. My Daddy loves me too!

One Vote Counts

When our childen are gown, they will want to know what we stood for.

Here is a four-minute video to pass on. Reminds me of the America I believed in as a child.

http://www.valuevotersusa.com/

What?!?

Read this to see why it is so important to pass Proposition 8:

First Graders Taken to San Francisco City Hall For Gay Wedding

With hope,
Michelle

Another Moment of Grace

And when Salt Racer (aka Knight in Shining Armor) came home early from work, he brought these:

 

Thank You again.

Moment of Grace

 

Yesterday was a really hard day. I cried a lot of tears while crying out to the Lord. But in the morning, there was this bright, peaceful moment. Something (One my heart knows well) told me to take pictures and remember. The kids and I sat on a blanket on our picnic table (the only dry spot in the back yard) to pray and read the Bible together. I want to thank You publicly, Lord, for this moment of grace.

What to do today?

What to do today?
Many chores beckon,
Duties never-ending,
Children always needing,
Errands to be done.
But ...
Baby niece born last night
Tiny bundle of sweetness
Life beginning, makes me think
What really matters?
Should I vacuum all the house
Fold the laundry, organize,
Bead a necklace, shop for food,
Practice piano, write a song?
Somehow I don't know where to start
Today - just a Tuesday, I guess
But not.
This is the only "today" I have
These hours precious, not to be
Spent carelessly.
so tell me please
What would You have me do today?

Vote Yes on Prop 8

This video is eye-opening.

In Pain

My soul is in anguish. My spirit cries out.

The world is in pain. And yet it dances the night away.

And babies die.

Does anyone care? Does anyone notice.

There are mommies who cry tonight. And yet the world says dance.
And so they do.

Why?

Why dance?

There is other music playing. Another song is being sung.
Just listen harder and you can hear it.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

And when you listen your spirit soars.

Listen to the song of ages. Listen to the song of songs. It is a quiet song. It is not a loud song. But it is the oldest song.

You don't like it because it isn't new. You want the latest. The latest will fade. The newest will age.

But this song will remain. This song is the oldest. But this song will always be the latest. As the world looks for the next best thing. After you have been used up and discarded, the song still sings.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

Just listen.

Compelling

This applies not only to Catholics but to all American Christians. Well worth watching.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

My Beloved and Me

My beautiful, talented sister, Charlotte, who is eight months pregnant, graciously agreed to take these pictures of us last week. We thought it was time since we haven't had couple pictures done for a few years, and we just celebrated our 7th anniversary. (Woo hoo!)

How Does Your Garden Grow!

Happy Anniversary, my beloved Salt Racer!



I am so proud of you. You are an excellent gardener. The work that you do in your vegetable garden reflects the careful and conscientious way that you also care for our family. And both are growing well! Sometimes the fruit is hidden, but when you look it is there, under the leaves. I know that you often think you don't measure up to your own standards, but I want to let you know that you far exceed mine. Your love for us is evident in everything that you do, in the faces of our children, and in my heart.

Thank you for seven incredible years! I look forward to many, many more.

All my respect and love,
Michelle

1000 Gifts

I continue to add to my 1000 Gifts list whenever I remember to. I love seeing it gradually grow - I'm getting close to 200! It is good for me to remember how many good gifts my Father gives me every day:

139. Deliverance from darkness.
140. Bright bowls brimming with ripe, red tomatoes.
141. Migrating geese flying low overhead.
142. Children's cries of delight as they run to see the honking geese and a rumbling airplane--their private airshow from Heaven.
143. Early morning cuddles, kisses, and coo's with baby.
144. Increasing clarity of mind and lightness of heart.
145. Casting all cares on Him who cares for me.
146. Giving away as much as possible, then looking for opportunities to give more.
147. Trusting Abba to provide.
148. Soothing sound of circulating fans in quiet, sunny rooms.
149. Hiss of early morning sprinklers watering thirsty lawns.
150. Sprinkler rainbow illuminating children's slide.
151. Small hands harvesting ripe fruit.
152. Enjoying bounty right from the vine: "Can I eat one, Mama? Two? Three?"
153. Filling little hands with Abba's goodness--juicy manna bursting with sweetness.
154. Sun's light-play on walls.

Lord, let Your light shine in me today, peeking through my windows, seeping around the cracks. I open my heart and mind to You fully so that I may receive more of You flooding my soul.

Answered Prayer!

We have an amazing, wonderful Father who loves to plan fun surprises for us!

OK, so here's the story:

We have decided to go with Bethany Christian Services for our home study. Since we do not know what state we will be adopting from, we need a home study that will transfer to any state, and Bethany can provide this. They are an agency that we have known about for a long time, and we feel comfortable working with them for the home study process.

However, we discovered that the cost of a home study has gone up significantly in the past few years. We had started the process of adopting thinking that the home study would be $1200. We had that amount of money set aside already, so we figured we were set to get through the home study and then we would have to start trusting God for the money to adopt. :) Imagine our dismay when we discovered that the home study would actually cost $2500! That gave us pause for a few days as we processed whether we should go ahead and start the home study with a $500 down payment, not knowing where we would get the money to complete the home study. Yesterday evening, we sat down to talk and seek God's will about all of this. After reading these verses, ...

"He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know what is the way of the wind, or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, so you do not know the works of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening do not withhold your hand; for you do not know which will prosper, either this or that, or whether both alike will be good" (Ecc 11:4-6 NKJV).

... we had peace about going ahead and sowing our seed in faith, trusting that God would cause it to prosper. Whether or not He did, we knew that we were sowing in faith and that He would be glorified.

(By the way, I thought it very interesting that right in the middle of this passage about sowing is the bit about "how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child." A little apropos for adopting?)

So Paul went to the post office and mailed our home study application and the $500 application fee. Afterward Paul went for a walk and gave it all to the Lord (again), asking Him to provide the rest of the money we need for the home study and adoption. Then, today at work, his boss came by with a big surprise: a job promotion and a twenty percent raise effective immediately.

As a result, we will now be able to pay for the home study out of Paul's raise! After that, we plan to put all of the extra pay (less tithe of course) into our adoption account to help with future adoption expenses.

We are completely floored at God's goodness. Praise Him!!!! He has made the path clear before us, and we are on our way into the next phase of the adoption process. Home study, here we come!

Thoughts on Adoption, part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Why are we doing this? Is it a good idea? Are we hearing God, or just going off half-cocked with good intentions but little wisdom? What will people think? What does God think?

I know what I think. I think we're more than a little crazy. We have four children already. Our oldest is five, and our youngest is five months. There are many days when I wonder how in the world I will survive the next five years--no, minutes. In nearly seven years of marriage, we have yet to go more than nine months of our marriage without getting pregnant, and in addition to our four living children, we have had two miscarriages. In the natural, it makes sense that this would be a time to step back and regroup, not a time to step it up yet again.

And yet.

There is a burning in my heart that will not be ignored. And when I tap into that place, that God-space inside me, all of my objections are burned away in an instant. Suddenly I don't care how tired I am, how messy my house gets, or how much more I have to slow down my life. Suddenly I realize that my life is not getting more complicated by adding more children. No, with each additional child my life becomes less complicated. My focus turns more and more toward home, toward love, toward being. I have much less time and energy for outside activities and lots of doing. Instead, I find myself stopping, looking into little faces, smiling, laughing. Oh, there are still the moments (and they are many) when I think I am going to collapse under the drain of the continual need of the little people in my life. But then I am constrained once again to look at what I am really trying to do, who I am really called to be. To refocus my gaze. To stop trying so hard. To relax and let this season be what it is.

What is this season?

This is not a season for outward accomplishments. This is not a season for pursuing goals. This is not a season for being SuperMom. This is not a season for doing much at all.

And yet ... it is.

It is a season for digging deep. It is a season for gazing at the face of the One I love most in the countenances of His children. For wiping His tears, bandaging His owies, preparing His food, and, yes, even changing His diapers. It is a season for becoming less, less, and then much, much less, while He becomes more, more and more again within me, to me, through me, around me, above me, beneath me, permeating the very air I breathe.

It is a season for becoming, for discovering who I am in His heart as all my outward identities are stripped away. A season for being hidden in the palm of His hand, being fed from His table, and delighting in the intimacy of His gaze. A season for knowing that, though I am mostly invisible to the outside world, though most of my accomplishments go unnoticed, He sees. A season for learning that that is enough. It is more than enough. It is everything.

It is a season for learning that He is enough.

I meant to focus on adoption in this post, but my heart is so full that I couldn't even get that far. Think of this as the preamble. I have much more to share another time. For now, wherever you may be, whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself, I pray that in that very place you will find God. He is so worth finding that all the struggle becomes nothing compared with the delight of knowing Him.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:17-18 NKJV)

Our Home Study

**This post is by Paul, my husband and a new contributor to this blog. -Michelle**

After a few phone calls and one divine encounter, we have found the agency that will be conducting our home study. This was a somewhat difficult process because it is important to find a Christian social worker who understands our family dynamic and how our religion influences our decisions -- such our decision to adopt.

When you decided to adopt and then start telling people, some people look at you like "but you already have kids"? When they do, it is clear that they don't yet understand that there can be more than one motivation behind a decision to adopt. We didn't want a social worker with that mind set conducting our home study.

So, just after signing the contract with CAC, we had a divine encounter at church with a friend who just so happens to be the director of adoption from a local foster and adoption agency. We were able to sit with him for nearly 30 minutes and ask questions until his ears nearly fell off. We were hoping that someone from his agency would be able to conduct the home study. Since adoption is a new area for them (they have been doing foster placements for a couple decades), he didn't recomment that we go through them for our home study (which will probably need to transfer out of state). However, in talking with him, I was able to learn a lot of the language that they use. This helped a great deal when I talked with the other two agencies that I contacted.

When I called the first agency I had a bad phone connection. This could have clued me in to the fact that it wasn't going to work out, but undaunted by my circumstances, I pressed on. I was transferred in what seemed like a handset to handset transfer and I imagined a guy in the background yelling "Hey Sue! Someone's on the phone for you!" When "Sue" picked up the phone, I could barely hear her. I wondered if she could hear me, but every time I asked her to speak a little louder she did, so I assume she heard me when I said, "Yes, we already have a contract with a consultant." That still didn't deter her from going into the hard pitch about how great her agency is and how they can do so much, and if we work with them direct the cost would be less, etc, etc. As soon as she got to the cost factor, my red flag detector went off. All of a sudden I could see what I looked like to her, a big fat wad of $100 bills. I politely excused myself from the conversation and hung up. "Moving on ...," I thought. I was a little bummed, because I was really hoping this agency would work out. But I knew God had a plan, so I wasn't very concerned.

There was a third agency that I had on my list to call. I was hoping to do it this week, but yesterday I started out having a really rough day at work. Stuff just wasn't working, and anything that I did seemed to make it worse. I looked like I was going to have to stay very, very late to get things straightened out. Then Michelle prayed for me. Within fifteen minutes, everything started working. To my relief, I discovered that nothing I had done was the cause of all the problems. I was merely exposing problems that already existed. I saw my day go from really long to wondering what to do with myself for the rest of the day. So I made a call to the third agency.

I got the front desk lady. "Yes, we already have kids. We still want to adopt." "Oh, okay. What county please?" Shocked at the reply, I actually answered with the wrong county. After quickly corrected my mistake, I was transferred to the social worker responsible for that county. She picked up the phone, "Hello, Paul?" Again I was floored. The professionalism mixed with personal contact was amazing after the impersonal hard sell I had gotten from the other agency. I started to get a very good feeling.

After several minutes of conversation, I realized that the social worked had no intention of telling me how great her agency was or how foolish I was for not having signed up with them. She was completely on board with our situation and willing to work with us and provide a home study that would transfer to another agency. She put an application packet in the mail, and over the next few months our house and family will be undergoing the process of a home study.

In the process of looking for an agency, we found out that the cost of home studies in this county (and perhaps the rest of the state, though I don't know) has gone up considerably. When we started, we calculated that we had just enough money to pay for the home study at the typical rate of $1200-$1500. They are now around $2500-$3000. Please pray that God will provide the additional money needed for the home study. We are completely open to His will, and we have complete peace about moving forward, but we are holding all of this with an open hand.

Thank you for praying with us!

My Boys

Last weekend the girls went camping with their grandparents, so I got to spend some time with just my boys!

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.

Pictures of Kole!

It takes me a while to get some things done, but eventually, by God's grace, they do get done! Here are pictures of our little Thunder, Kole, for the first four months of his life. From hospital to home, baby shower, visiting friends and relatives, and lots of love from big sisters and brothers, he is enjoying life. Have fun looking at some of the highlights. (Click on picture to access web album.)

Kole's 1st Four Months

If you would like the full story, go to "Kole's Story."

Surprise: We're expecting!

Dear Friends and Family:

It's true! Another baby is on the way!

We are very excited. We have just signed a contract with Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). They are not an agency themselves, but they work with agencies from across the country to find suitable homes for babies. Because we already have children and have no issues with fertility (quite the opposite!) we have found that we don't fit the "standard" profile of adoptive couples. The benefits for us deciding to use CAC instead of going with an agency directly is that we will have access to a much larger pool of children and they will be able to match us with agencies that are willing to accommodate our particular situation.

As many of you know, we have long desired to adopt, having even pursued it twice. Each time God has closed the doors for us. We have left this path of family growth in God's hands, and he has been faithful. Recently, we both have felt the Holy Spirit urging us to go ahead and try again, so here we are!

Our desire is to provide a home for an African-American baby. The need for adoption of minority children is so high that agencies discount their costs to encourage couples to adopt across racial lines. Even with those discounts, the costs for adoption will easily reach $20,000 or more. That is certainly an amount of money we don't have, but the Lord does! We are approaching adoption as much excitement and as much of an open heart as with the birth of any of our children.

We hope to be conducting the home study during the fall and to be matched with a baby within a year from now.

If you would like, you can follow along this journey here with us on Michelle's family blog.

With joy,
Paul and Michelle

New Auto Repair Shop in Auburn!

My dear friend, Becki McGinnis, and her husband Bryan have opened up their own auto repair business in Auburn. I know that this has been their dream for a long time. Congratulations, Becki and Bryan!

An Honorable Calling?

Yesterday I was talking with a group of friends about adoption. One lady started asking what kind of adoption each of us desires. I said that my heart is to adopt an African-American baby domestically. She responded, "That is honorable." I kind of did a double take and looked at her, so she repeated herself. "That is really honorable that you would do that." I know that she meant to express approval, but the comment actually bothered me quite a bit. Why should it be honorable to do what seems to me so obvious?

When my husband and I began researching domestic adoption, we heard that it took a long time because domestic babies were in high demand. We had no desire to stand in line to get a baby that will be adopted anyway, so we started asking where the area of need was. Who are the babies that end up being raised in the foster system? We quickly found out that one major group of children who have a hard time finding families are African-American babies. So we immediately decided that we would adopt in that demographic. Why not? Maybe we're naive (certainly some of the reading I have done would try to convince me that we are). Maybe there are issues that I don't understand. But bottom line, these are children who need a family, and we are a family who want more children to love.

Isn't it really that simple? I'm not saying easy; it is never easy to love. Laying down your life day in and day out for another person is always challenging. (I find that true with the four children I already have.) But I don't think Jesus said to love one another when it's easy or when it's convenient. He simply said to love. So why should I place conditions on whom I love? And why should it be more honorable to love one person more than another? Jesus made no such distinctions, and I pray that He will give me the grace to do the same.

So, while I appreciate the intention behind the compliment, I pray that all of our hearts will change until the first thing we see about another person is not the color of their skin, hair, eyes, or any other outward quality, though I find the differences beautiful and fascinating. (And, lest I sound holier-than-thou, let me point out that I still have much growing to do in this area myself.) When we look at one another, may we first see a brother to love.

Lord, please give us the grace to really love one another the way You love us.

Reesa's Birthday

From 2008-06 Reesa...

Reesa had such a fun birthday! She reveled in two whole days of being the self-proclaimed Birthday Queen, and we were all her willing subjects.

Expectations

Thoughts about me
Thoughts about others
Good, bad
Rehearsed
Over and over
Again and again

Poison
Fogging mind
Impairing thinking
Clouding emotions
Veiling eyes

Blinded
From Your Face
Deaf
To Your Voice
Disabled
From discernement

Cleanse me
From heady addiction
To praise and censure
Temporary highs
Terrible lows
Distracting from reality

Help me see, hear, know
Only You
Letting others' opinions go
Even my own
Hoarding no thoughts but Yours
Listening only to Your voice
Believing only what You say
For You alone are Truth
Freedom

Dancing at RHOP

 

My children had a fun time dancing at RHOP today. I thought this one looked cool - actioney!