What to do today?

What to do today?
Many chores beckon,
Duties never-ending,
Children always needing,
Errands to be done.
But ...
Baby niece born last night
Tiny bundle of sweetness
Life beginning, makes me think
What really matters?
Should I vacuum all the house
Fold the laundry, organize,
Bead a necklace, shop for food,
Practice piano, write a song?
Somehow I don't know where to start
Today - just a Tuesday, I guess
But not.
This is the only "today" I have
These hours precious, not to be
Spent carelessly.
so tell me please
What would You have me do today?

Vote Yes on Prop 8

This video is eye-opening.

In Pain

My soul is in anguish. My spirit cries out.

The world is in pain. And yet it dances the night away.

And babies die.

Does anyone care? Does anyone notice.

There are mommies who cry tonight. And yet the world says dance.
And so they do.

Why?

Why dance?

There is other music playing. Another song is being sung.
Just listen harder and you can hear it.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

And when you listen your spirit soars.

Listen to the song of ages. Listen to the song of songs. It is a quiet song. It is not a loud song. But it is the oldest song.

You don't like it because it isn't new. You want the latest. The latest will fade. The newest will age.

But this song will remain. This song is the oldest. But this song will always be the latest. As the world looks for the next best thing. After you have been used up and discarded, the song still sings.

It says "You are loved."
It says "You can be sad."
It says "I still love you. I loved you first."

Just listen.

Compelling

This applies not only to Catholics but to all American Christians. Well worth watching.

Questions of Prayer, Healing, Life, and Death

It's Sunday evening. The kids are all in bed. The girls asked if they could sleep together tonight, promising that they really wouldn't talk. This led to a conversation about promising things that they would never follow through on (and telling them that I never expect them to sleep together without talking, just to keep it quiet). I was just upstairs swaddling Thunder Buddy (Daddy's nickname) so he would stop crying and go to sleep, and I heard them whispering to each other in bed. I have so many fond memories of late-night conversations in bed with my sisters. Hearing their quiet giggles makes my heart smile.

I kissed Thunder a little more tenderly after I swaddled him tonight. This evening I've been reading a blog by a mother who lost her little one around the same time that we received our miracle baby. I sobbed as I watched a slideshow of the day her baby was born.

The Lord is so much greater and more beautiful and more terrible and more tender than I can comprehend.

While we are rejoicing over the birth of our little one, another mother is losing hers.

One person is healed and another continues in chronic pain.

He relieves my chronic neck and shoulder pain without any fanfare while I continue to struggle with depression and hypothyroidism.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I prayed for Thunder who was coughing and struggling to sleep through a stuffy nose. At first I was frustrated and complaining, God, why don't you heal him? Then my heart suddenly received the grace to be humble, and I simply lifted him up before the throne of grace, asking God to touch his little body. He immediately went into a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night and only coughed a couple more times over the next day or two.

My Salt Racer endures constant back and neck pain. Visits to the chiropractor helped for a season, but when we trimmed our budget a couple of years ago he stopped going. The pain drains his energy. I pray for him, sometimes with much faith and sometimes with little. One night my heart was filled with such childlike faith. I placed my hands on his neck and lower back and lifted him up to Abba, knowing that my prayers were being heard and that He cared for us and delighted to hear us asking Him for help. I even felt something shifting in his back. He said he felt it too.

Since then, he's had some of his worst days.

I wonder, is it my fault? Am I not praying hard enough or consistently enough? Does God care? Why doesn't He heal my husband? Why doesn't He heal me?

I am afraid I'm becoming like an Israelite in the wilderness--tired and complaining. Forgetting all the miracles God has done for me. Experiencing a little discomfort (or a lot), and suddenly my memory of His goodness becomes very short. I start to question His goodness. What a fickle, unruly heart I have!

Heart, I would teach you to rest in the Lord with the trust of a little child.

On Friday I got the results of a blood test that show my thyroid is still not working right. Had I gotten the results I hoped for, I would be rejoicing. Since I didn't, I am discouraged. This morning, I read this excerpt from a letter by the apostle Paul:

"... we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself]. Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead. [For it is He] Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death, and He will still rescue and save us; in and on Him we have set our hope (our joyful and confident expectation) that He will again deliver us [from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself] ..." (2Corinthians 1:8b-10 AMP).

As I am writing this, my sister-in-law, Beloved Pearl, is watching The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is being beaten and mocked, and Peter is so confused by what is going on that he is denying his Lord. He does not understand the heart of a Father who would love His Son so much and yet allow Him to suffer defeat, discouragement, and death. I am reminded of these words:

"Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place, there shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent. For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service]. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone" (Psalm 91:9-12 AMP).

These words are so confusing in light of very real circumstances, even the circumstances of Jesus' life, that Satan used them to try to confuse and tempt the Son of God (Luke 4:10). If anyone deserved this level of protection, it was Jesus. Yet He suffered more than any man.

What does that mean, God?

The answer begins here:

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him" (Psalm 91:15 AMP).

He does not promise that we would not suffer, but that those who dwell "in the secret place of the Most High" (91:1) shall have no evil befall them. In other words, nothing can happen to them outside of Abba's perfect, loving will. In the case of Jesus, it was the Father's will to crush His Son:

"Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick" (Isa 53:10a AMP).

Jesus is being whipped. Satan is watching, seeming to think that he is winning. God's perfect will is being done. And the Son is submitting willingly. (The scene currently playing from The Passion.)

These are the paradoxes in which we live. Lord, I would like to understand. But more than that, I would like to trust You as did Your Firstborn. He didn't question or complain. He rested in Your love even when You lovingly assigned Him to endure torture and death. He endured everything You asked because He knew Who You Are and Who He Is in You. No circumstance would ever cause Him to become offended or disobedient to You, the only One who is Good.

I, too, am Your child. Help me to rest in You as He did. Help me to trust You no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

Thank You for these struggles that keep me from trusting in myself. Help me to look beyond the present death and despair. For You are the God who raises the dead.

My Beloved and Me

My beautiful, talented sister, Charlotte, who is eight months pregnant, graciously agreed to take these pictures of us last week. We thought it was time since we haven't had couple pictures done for a few years, and we just celebrated our 7th anniversary. (Woo hoo!)

How Does Your Garden Grow!

Happy Anniversary, my beloved Salt Racer!



I am so proud of you. You are an excellent gardener. The work that you do in your vegetable garden reflects the careful and conscientious way that you also care for our family. And both are growing well! Sometimes the fruit is hidden, but when you look it is there, under the leaves. I know that you often think you don't measure up to your own standards, but I want to let you know that you far exceed mine. Your love for us is evident in everything that you do, in the faces of our children, and in my heart.

Thank you for seven incredible years! I look forward to many, many more.

All my respect and love,
Michelle

1000 Gifts

I continue to add to my 1000 Gifts list whenever I remember to. I love seeing it gradually grow - I'm getting close to 200! It is good for me to remember how many good gifts my Father gives me every day:

139. Deliverance from darkness.
140. Bright bowls brimming with ripe, red tomatoes.
141. Migrating geese flying low overhead.
142. Children's cries of delight as they run to see the honking geese and a rumbling airplane--their private airshow from Heaven.
143. Early morning cuddles, kisses, and coo's with baby.
144. Increasing clarity of mind and lightness of heart.
145. Casting all cares on Him who cares for me.
146. Giving away as much as possible, then looking for opportunities to give more.
147. Trusting Abba to provide.
148. Soothing sound of circulating fans in quiet, sunny rooms.
149. Hiss of early morning sprinklers watering thirsty lawns.
150. Sprinkler rainbow illuminating children's slide.
151. Small hands harvesting ripe fruit.
152. Enjoying bounty right from the vine: "Can I eat one, Mama? Two? Three?"
153. Filling little hands with Abba's goodness--juicy manna bursting with sweetness.
154. Sun's light-play on walls.

Lord, let Your light shine in me today, peeking through my windows, seeping around the cracks. I open my heart and mind to You fully so that I may receive more of You flooding my soul.

Answered Prayer!

We have an amazing, wonderful Father who loves to plan fun surprises for us!

OK, so here's the story:

We have decided to go with Bethany Christian Services for our home study. Since we do not know what state we will be adopting from, we need a home study that will transfer to any state, and Bethany can provide this. They are an agency that we have known about for a long time, and we feel comfortable working with them for the home study process.

However, we discovered that the cost of a home study has gone up significantly in the past few years. We had started the process of adopting thinking that the home study would be $1200. We had that amount of money set aside already, so we figured we were set to get through the home study and then we would have to start trusting God for the money to adopt. :) Imagine our dismay when we discovered that the home study would actually cost $2500! That gave us pause for a few days as we processed whether we should go ahead and start the home study with a $500 down payment, not knowing where we would get the money to complete the home study. Yesterday evening, we sat down to talk and seek God's will about all of this. After reading these verses, ...

"He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know what is the way of the wind, or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, so you do not know the works of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening do not withhold your hand; for you do not know which will prosper, either this or that, or whether both alike will be good" (Ecc 11:4-6 NKJV).

... we had peace about going ahead and sowing our seed in faith, trusting that God would cause it to prosper. Whether or not He did, we knew that we were sowing in faith and that He would be glorified.

(By the way, I thought it very interesting that right in the middle of this passage about sowing is the bit about "how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child." A little apropos for adopting?)

So Paul went to the post office and mailed our home study application and the $500 application fee. Afterward Paul went for a walk and gave it all to the Lord (again), asking Him to provide the rest of the money we need for the home study and adoption. Then, today at work, his boss came by with a big surprise: a job promotion and a twenty percent raise effective immediately.

As a result, we will now be able to pay for the home study out of Paul's raise! After that, we plan to put all of the extra pay (less tithe of course) into our adoption account to help with future adoption expenses.

We are completely floored at God's goodness. Praise Him!!!! He has made the path clear before us, and we are on our way into the next phase of the adoption process. Home study, here we come!

Thoughts on Adoption, part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Why are we doing this? Is it a good idea? Are we hearing God, or just going off half-cocked with good intentions but little wisdom? What will people think? What does God think?

I know what I think. I think we're more than a little crazy. We have four children already. Our oldest is five, and our youngest is five months. There are many days when I wonder how in the world I will survive the next five years--no, minutes. In nearly seven years of marriage, we have yet to go more than nine months of our marriage without getting pregnant, and in addition to our four living children, we have had two miscarriages. In the natural, it makes sense that this would be a time to step back and regroup, not a time to step it up yet again.

And yet.

There is a burning in my heart that will not be ignored. And when I tap into that place, that God-space inside me, all of my objections are burned away in an instant. Suddenly I don't care how tired I am, how messy my house gets, or how much more I have to slow down my life. Suddenly I realize that my life is not getting more complicated by adding more children. No, with each additional child my life becomes less complicated. My focus turns more and more toward home, toward love, toward being. I have much less time and energy for outside activities and lots of doing. Instead, I find myself stopping, looking into little faces, smiling, laughing. Oh, there are still the moments (and they are many) when I think I am going to collapse under the drain of the continual need of the little people in my life. But then I am constrained once again to look at what I am really trying to do, who I am really called to be. To refocus my gaze. To stop trying so hard. To relax and let this season be what it is.

What is this season?

This is not a season for outward accomplishments. This is not a season for pursuing goals. This is not a season for being SuperMom. This is not a season for doing much at all.

And yet ... it is.

It is a season for digging deep. It is a season for gazing at the face of the One I love most in the countenances of His children. For wiping His tears, bandaging His owies, preparing His food, and, yes, even changing His diapers. It is a season for becoming less, less, and then much, much less, while He becomes more, more and more again within me, to me, through me, around me, above me, beneath me, permeating the very air I breathe.

It is a season for becoming, for discovering who I am in His heart as all my outward identities are stripped away. A season for being hidden in the palm of His hand, being fed from His table, and delighting in the intimacy of His gaze. A season for knowing that, though I am mostly invisible to the outside world, though most of my accomplishments go unnoticed, He sees. A season for learning that that is enough. It is more than enough. It is everything.

It is a season for learning that He is enough.

I meant to focus on adoption in this post, but my heart is so full that I couldn't even get that far. Think of this as the preamble. I have much more to share another time. For now, wherever you may be, whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself, I pray that in that very place you will find God. He is so worth finding that all the struggle becomes nothing compared with the delight of knowing Him.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:17-18 NKJV)

Our Home Study

**This post is by Paul, my husband and a new contributor to this blog. -Michelle**

After a few phone calls and one divine encounter, we have found the agency that will be conducting our home study. This was a somewhat difficult process because it is important to find a Christian social worker who understands our family dynamic and how our religion influences our decisions -- such our decision to adopt.

When you decided to adopt and then start telling people, some people look at you like "but you already have kids"? When they do, it is clear that they don't yet understand that there can be more than one motivation behind a decision to adopt. We didn't want a social worker with that mind set conducting our home study.

So, just after signing the contract with CAC, we had a divine encounter at church with a friend who just so happens to be the director of adoption from a local foster and adoption agency. We were able to sit with him for nearly 30 minutes and ask questions until his ears nearly fell off. We were hoping that someone from his agency would be able to conduct the home study. Since adoption is a new area for them (they have been doing foster placements for a couple decades), he didn't recomment that we go through them for our home study (which will probably need to transfer out of state). However, in talking with him, I was able to learn a lot of the language that they use. This helped a great deal when I talked with the other two agencies that I contacted.

When I called the first agency I had a bad phone connection. This could have clued me in to the fact that it wasn't going to work out, but undaunted by my circumstances, I pressed on. I was transferred in what seemed like a handset to handset transfer and I imagined a guy in the background yelling "Hey Sue! Someone's on the phone for you!" When "Sue" picked up the phone, I could barely hear her. I wondered if she could hear me, but every time I asked her to speak a little louder she did, so I assume she heard me when I said, "Yes, we already have a contract with a consultant." That still didn't deter her from going into the hard pitch about how great her agency is and how they can do so much, and if we work with them direct the cost would be less, etc, etc. As soon as she got to the cost factor, my red flag detector went off. All of a sudden I could see what I looked like to her, a big fat wad of $100 bills. I politely excused myself from the conversation and hung up. "Moving on ...," I thought. I was a little bummed, because I was really hoping this agency would work out. But I knew God had a plan, so I wasn't very concerned.

There was a third agency that I had on my list to call. I was hoping to do it this week, but yesterday I started out having a really rough day at work. Stuff just wasn't working, and anything that I did seemed to make it worse. I looked like I was going to have to stay very, very late to get things straightened out. Then Michelle prayed for me. Within fifteen minutes, everything started working. To my relief, I discovered that nothing I had done was the cause of all the problems. I was merely exposing problems that already existed. I saw my day go from really long to wondering what to do with myself for the rest of the day. So I made a call to the third agency.

I got the front desk lady. "Yes, we already have kids. We still want to adopt." "Oh, okay. What county please?" Shocked at the reply, I actually answered with the wrong county. After quickly corrected my mistake, I was transferred to the social worker responsible for that county. She picked up the phone, "Hello, Paul?" Again I was floored. The professionalism mixed with personal contact was amazing after the impersonal hard sell I had gotten from the other agency. I started to get a very good feeling.

After several minutes of conversation, I realized that the social worked had no intention of telling me how great her agency was or how foolish I was for not having signed up with them. She was completely on board with our situation and willing to work with us and provide a home study that would transfer to another agency. She put an application packet in the mail, and over the next few months our house and family will be undergoing the process of a home study.

In the process of looking for an agency, we found out that the cost of home studies in this county (and perhaps the rest of the state, though I don't know) has gone up considerably. When we started, we calculated that we had just enough money to pay for the home study at the typical rate of $1200-$1500. They are now around $2500-$3000. Please pray that God will provide the additional money needed for the home study. We are completely open to His will, and we have complete peace about moving forward, but we are holding all of this with an open hand.

Thank you for praying with us!

My Boys

Last weekend the girls went camping with their grandparents, so I got to spend some time with just my boys!

Kole's Story

Paul: On June 9, 2007, Michelle and I discovered that we were pregnant with our sixth child. Michelle's second pregnancy had caused her to be on "sit rest" for the last trimester. The third pregnancy was difficult throughout. The fourth and fifth pregnancies had ended in miscarriages. While we were excited about another life coming into our family, the difficult nine-months ahead looked somewhat bleak. We had no idea what was in store.

We waited one week to announce the pregnancy to our family and friends, finally breaking the silence on Father's Day, 2007. Only two weeks later, on a Saturday morning, Michelle began to experience spotting and cramping. Because of our previous experiences with pregnancies, we knew the signs of a miscarriage but we called the doctor anyway. She has been with us since the beginning of our family and so was well aware of Michelle's medical history. She returned our phone call that Saturday morning, and after getting the necessary information told us as kindly as possible that the signs indicated that Michelle was experiencing a "waning pregnancy." Even though we were anticipating that information, the actuality of it hit my chest like a ton of bricks.

Michelle began to cry.

Almost immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me of the famous email story in which the optimistic man is shot by robbers. He is whisked to the hospital and sees their grim faces. One of the nurses asks him if he is allergic to anything. He says yes. The entire Operating Room comes to a silent halt to wait for the details. He finally says, "I'm allergic to bullets." He explains that he wants them to operate on him as if he was going to live, and not look at him as a dead man walking.

When the Holy Spirit reminded me of that story I knew I was being invited to have a heavenly perspective and to listen to the Great Physician and not just our doctor.

I reminded Michelle of the story and then declared that we too were allergic to something. Miscarriages. That I understood that God was in control, but that the baby was still alive and that we would knock and keep on knocking on the door of heaven until something happened.

Not long after that, Michelle was talking with her mother on the phone. I could tell that the conversation was being too emotional and not hopeful enough. I asked to get on the phone and listened to my wonderful mother-in-law sympathize and support our emotions however we wanted to be supported. I reminded her of the story of the optimistic man and told her that we were allergic to miscarriages. We didn't want prayer that essentially said "well God, you're in control, you do what you want to do." We wanted prayer that was contending for the life of our child. She immediately understood and stood and contended with us during the ensuing months.

The next couple weeks were an emotional roller coaster as Michelle began to realize the limits of her activity, eventually being consigned to her bed for the majority of the pregnancy. During those first couple weeks as we were praying and contending for the new life, the Holy Spirit impressed on my mind the name of our baby. "Thunder" he whispered to me. I spent the rest of my time at RHOP that night looking up verses that had the word "thunder" in them.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Psalm 81:7 - You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Num. 20:3, 13, 24.] . The verse immediately spoke to me. I began to study that verse more that evening discovering that the work "distress" is actually a feminine word that can also mean tightness. That totally spoke to me of the cramping that Michelle's womb was experiencing. The waters of Meribah is where the Israelites strived with the Lord and He provided water for them. Our fourth child, the first to end in miscarriage we had named Selah. It was as if she was in heaven, and had signed this verse specifically for us.

I firmly believe and am persuaded that without these impressions from the Holy Spirit, our family would be one person smaller.

Michelle: When Paul first told me that he was allergic to miscarriages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, hadn't we had two miscarriages in the past year? I just wasn't sure that my body would be able to carry any more pregnancies, especially considering how hard the first three had been. While I was sad to possibly lose this baby too, my faith was pretty low. I had more faith that God would be with me in the sadness, as He had before, than that He could carry this baby to term.

I was about to start a major journey of learning about faith.

At first I simply agreed with Paul to be supportive. I was touched that he cared about this baby so much. But part of me, afraid of disappointment, didn't want to hope too much. When my mother began to join him in believing for the life of our baby, I was convicted. Instead of assuming that God would just do whatever He wanted to do and that my job was simply to submit to the inevitable, I began to ask Him what His will was for this baby. Soon I too had a strong conviction that God intended for this child to live. While listening to a Rock podcast of a sermon by Pastor Steve Gregor, I became convinced that I did not need to prematurely mourn the life of a child who was alive inside me, no matter what the prognosis might appear to be. Instead, I decided to rejoice in every day of the precious life that we had been given, whether that be days, months, or years.

As a tangible way of rejoicing, I borrowed a shofar my mother had gotten from Jerusalem. Bringing it home, I blew it loud and long, declaring God's victory and thanking Him for the life of our baby. For much of the pregnancy, especially on the hardest days, this became our family tradition at bedtime. Our entire family would shout and praise the Lord, quoting Psalm 107:1, "Give thanks the the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever." The kids loved it. Even if I couldn't get out of bed to join them, I would hear Paul, Rayne, Reesa, and Cedar shouting and thanking God for baby Thunder.

I began to feel the baby move as the weeks went by, and my fear of losing him lessened. Though the pregnancy continued to be difficult almost to the end, every ultrasound showed that he was perfectly healthy. God was truly holding him safely inside my womb. While researching in Strong's Concordance for words that might work as a name for our baby, I encountered the word "kole," which is a Hebrew word translated as "thunder" and "voice." Paul and I agreed that this would be the name of our child.

A few weeks before Kole's due date, I was feeling up to attending the RHOP Encountering God Service where Diane Parnell was teaching about the Song of Solomon. As a side note to something she was saying, she mentioned that Jesus didn't medicate His pain on the cross. Instead, He fully embraced it, trusting His Father to carry Him through. I immediately felt the conviction that God was inviting me to a new level of trust in Him. The phrase that I clearly heard in my spirit was, "You can do that." Wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God, and after consulting with Paul, I accepted the invitation. I experienced great fear at first. I had been grateful for epidurals with each of my three previous births, but due to some complications, we did not have peace about my getting one this time. I had been praying about it throughout the pregnancy, hoping that God would enable me to have another epidural safely. Instead, He gave me faith to trust Him to carry the pain for me, reminding me of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

We asked a dear Christian friend to be our doula and shared with her our fears and hopes. I asked her how, with so little time to prepare, I could feel ready to give birth naturally. She gave me a list of scriptures to meditate on, encouraging me to add to it as the Lord drew my attention to truths I could hold on to. That list became my lifeline, and after a couple of weeks, I found that I was no longer afraid! This was a great miracle, for the fear of the pain of child birth had nearly paralyzed me for years.

The day that Kole was born was the crowning glory of the entire experience. It still makes me laugh to think of how God brought Kole like a thunderclap in the clear, blue sky. I drove myself to the hospital for a routine exam. An hour later I was told that I would not be going home, as the amniotic fluid was leaking. I was not in active labor at the time, but I began praying that God would kick-start me into labor so that I would not need to be induced. A few minutes after Paul arrived at the hospital, labor began. Half an hour later, our miracle baby was born! The on-call doctor wasn't even able to make it to the room in time, so a nurse delivered the baby.

After all that, I know more than ever that God is good and His love endures forever. I have also learned that He wants us to actively partner with Him to see His will done on the earth. Faith is not trusting that what I want will happen. It is trusting in the character and power of God, knowing that He is able to do what He has said He will do. Doctors and people are limited in power, but He is the one who does all things well! All I can do is thank Him.

Pictures of Kole!

It takes me a while to get some things done, but eventually, by God's grace, they do get done! Here are pictures of our little Thunder, Kole, for the first four months of his life. From hospital to home, baby shower, visiting friends and relatives, and lots of love from big sisters and brothers, he is enjoying life. Have fun looking at some of the highlights. (Click on picture to access web album.)

Kole's 1st Four Months

If you would like the full story, go to "Kole's Story."

Surprise: We're expecting!

Dear Friends and Family:

It's true! Another baby is on the way!

We are very excited. We have just signed a contract with Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). They are not an agency themselves, but they work with agencies from across the country to find suitable homes for babies. Because we already have children and have no issues with fertility (quite the opposite!) we have found that we don't fit the "standard" profile of adoptive couples. The benefits for us deciding to use CAC instead of going with an agency directly is that we will have access to a much larger pool of children and they will be able to match us with agencies that are willing to accommodate our particular situation.

As many of you know, we have long desired to adopt, having even pursued it twice. Each time God has closed the doors for us. We have left this path of family growth in God's hands, and he has been faithful. Recently, we both have felt the Holy Spirit urging us to go ahead and try again, so here we are!

Our desire is to provide a home for an African-American baby. The need for adoption of minority children is so high that agencies discount their costs to encourage couples to adopt across racial lines. Even with those discounts, the costs for adoption will easily reach $20,000 or more. That is certainly an amount of money we don't have, but the Lord does! We are approaching adoption as much excitement and as much of an open heart as with the birth of any of our children.

We hope to be conducting the home study during the fall and to be matched with a baby within a year from now.

If you would like, you can follow along this journey here with us on Michelle's family blog.

With joy,
Paul and Michelle

New Auto Repair Shop in Auburn!

My dear friend, Becki McGinnis, and her husband Bryan have opened up their own auto repair business in Auburn. I know that this has been their dream for a long time. Congratulations, Becki and Bryan!

An Honorable Calling?

Yesterday I was talking with a group of friends about adoption. One lady started asking what kind of adoption each of us desires. I said that my heart is to adopt an African-American baby domestically. She responded, "That is honorable." I kind of did a double take and looked at her, so she repeated herself. "That is really honorable that you would do that." I know that she meant to express approval, but the comment actually bothered me quite a bit. Why should it be honorable to do what seems to me so obvious?

When my husband and I began researching domestic adoption, we heard that it took a long time because domestic babies were in high demand. We had no desire to stand in line to get a baby that will be adopted anyway, so we started asking where the area of need was. Who are the babies that end up being raised in the foster system? We quickly found out that one major group of children who have a hard time finding families are African-American babies. So we immediately decided that we would adopt in that demographic. Why not? Maybe we're naive (certainly some of the reading I have done would try to convince me that we are). Maybe there are issues that I don't understand. But bottom line, these are children who need a family, and we are a family who want more children to love.

Isn't it really that simple? I'm not saying easy; it is never easy to love. Laying down your life day in and day out for another person is always challenging. (I find that true with the four children I already have.) But I don't think Jesus said to love one another when it's easy or when it's convenient. He simply said to love. So why should I place conditions on whom I love? And why should it be more honorable to love one person more than another? Jesus made no such distinctions, and I pray that He will give me the grace to do the same.

So, while I appreciate the intention behind the compliment, I pray that all of our hearts will change until the first thing we see about another person is not the color of their skin, hair, eyes, or any other outward quality, though I find the differences beautiful and fascinating. (And, lest I sound holier-than-thou, let me point out that I still have much growing to do in this area myself.) When we look at one another, may we first see a brother to love.

Lord, please give us the grace to really love one another the way You love us.

Reesa's Birthday

From 2008-06 Reesa...

Reesa had such a fun birthday! She reveled in two whole days of being the self-proclaimed Birthday Queen, and we were all her willing subjects.

Expectations

Thoughts about me
Thoughts about others
Good, bad
Rehearsed
Over and over
Again and again

Poison
Fogging mind
Impairing thinking
Clouding emotions
Veiling eyes

Blinded
From Your Face
Deaf
To Your Voice
Disabled
From discernement

Cleanse me
From heady addiction
To praise and censure
Temporary highs
Terrible lows
Distracting from reality

Help me see, hear, know
Only You
Letting others' opinions go
Even my own
Hoarding no thoughts but Yours
Listening only to Your voice
Believing only what You say
For You alone are Truth
Freedom

Dancing at RHOP

 

My children had a fun time dancing at RHOP today. I thought this one looked cool - actioney!

Transformed by Joy

Last weekend at the RHOP Encountering God Service, Diane Parnell quoted Mike Bickle:

"Whatever we behold (by meditation unto revalation) in God's heart toward us becomes awakened in our heart back to God (transformation)."

My ears immediately perked up. What do I need most while battling depression these days (and what do I most feel that I lack)? Joy! Did I just hear a way for joy to be awakened in my heart - by meditating on the joy in God's heart toward me? That very evening I began looking up scriptures on joy, for where better to behold God's heart than through the verbal expression of His heart toward me, His Word?

This is the verse that I found this morning:

"Then Ezra told then, Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet drink, and send portions to him for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. And be not grieved and depressed, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold" (Nehemiah 8:10 AMP).

This is said in the context of guilt (oh, how I relate!)--the people had just read the law and realized that they had not been keeping it. They wanted to mourn. Yet at that very moment, the Lord was rejoicing over them. He desired to strengthen them by His joy. So instead of declaring a fast, He declared a feast. They feasted on the goodness of His love and mercy toward them, turning their hearts toward the One who gives good gifts, including the joy that gives the strength to obey.

Jesus does not want me to obey out of guilt or shame or even self-discipline--though, like crutches, these can help me along for a time. But when His joy has made me strong, I will cast them aside and "run the way of [His] commandments" (Psalm 119:32).

Jesus' greatest earthly act of obedience was done out of no lesser motivation than joy (Hebrews 12:2). I tend to think that joy is more of a childish motivation, and that "just because I have to" is more grown-up. But Jesus Himself, who told us to become like little children, was motivated by joy!

By joy I can run to my Papa-God, throw myself fearlessly into His arms, and receive His bear hugs and kisses. He is not frowning at me; no, He has sweet things in His pockets that He wants to lavish upon me. I can hear him saying to me, "Don't sit over there in the dark, dusty corner with your crust of bread, measuring it our carefully to make sure it will last. Lift up your eyes! Turn your face to me! Behold My joy! All around you is light and laughter and music and celebration. I am throwing this party for you! Come, join in my rejoicing. Don't be so cautious about with your feelings. Be My little girl again. Laugh and run and jump and play with Me. Let's have a tickle fight. I have so much for you. Come and get it!"

I have often heard that God does not look like Santa Claus. Doubtless that is true--He is so much more. But He is certainly not less! And right now, gazing upon His joy, He looks more like that jolly man than anything else I can picture. Rather than reducing God, it raises Santa to a place of holy significance as an image of God, the giver of all good gifts. And unlike Santa, He doesn't give them based on whether we are naughty or nice. In his joyful compassion, He simply gives out of His never-ending goodness.

I am coming, Big Papa. Hold Your arms out wide! I am hungry for Your love.

Food for Thought

“All reading of the Book is not reading of the Word. It was Jesus Christ, and not theology, that filled the hearts of the men who wrote those Epistles—Jesus Christ, whom I found not in the Epistles but in the Gospels. And until we understand the Gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ—until we understand Him, until we have His Spirit—all the Epistles are to us a sealed book.

“The Gospels then took hold of me as never before. I found out that I had known nothing at all—that I had only a certain surface knowledge which tended to ignorance, because it fostered the delusion that I did know. Know that Man, Christ Jesus? Ah, Lord, I would go through fire and water to sit at Thy table in Thy kingdom, but dare I say now I know Thee?

“I found, as I read, that His very presence in my thoughts smoothed the troubled waters of my spirit, so that even while the storm lasted, I was able to walk upon them to go to Him. And when those waters became clear, I most rejoiced in their clearness because they mirrored His form” (George MacDonald, The Parish Papers, p. 54).

1000 Gifts

As I have been struggling with depression recently, the Holy Spirit reminded me of 1000 Gifts, a list that many are making of a thousand things for which they are thankful. He reassured me that, as I focus on the many wonderful gifts He has given me, He will fight the battle for me against depression.

I started my list yesterday morning, thinking that I would write down four or five things to begin. I had over thirty before I could stop writing! My list is now over forty and growing. I will post it here to declare before God and every witness that He is good to me, and His love endures forever!

1. Geese honking an early morning wake-up call.
2. Baby's tummy full of manna.
3. A full night's sleep.
4. Birds chirping as sun rises.
5. Anticipation of worshiping with the Body.
6. Baby contentedly sleeping next to me.
7. Kissing soft baby skin.
8. Lifting up friends to Abba's throne.
9. Answered prayer for headache to be removed.
10. Sincere card from a dear friend.
11. Quiet house.
12. Mr. Incorruptible's appreciation for his morning juice and GummyVite (my 2-year-old son).
13. Long conversation with Salt Racer (my hubby/best friend) about anything and everything.
14. Being able to stop and lie down when I'm just too tired to keep going.
15. Referral to endocrinologist - hope for answers and healing.
16. Hearing my children laugh and play together.
17. Pushing Laughter Sun (my 3-year-old daughter) high, higher on swing.
18. Salt Racer BBQ'ing and serving dinner in backyard.
19. Baking perfect, tender scones.
20. Talking with a good friend.
21. Beloved Pearl's constant, loving help (my sister-in-law).
22. Mom's prayers.
23. Still being able to boss my little sisters. :)
24. Anticipation of time spent with Mama.
25. Husband waking to seek the Lord.
26. Daddy calling just to see how I'm doing.
27. Sound of simmering oatmeal.
28. Morning cup of tea with cream and sugar.
29. The pleasure of realizing how much I have to thank Abba for.
30. RHOP merging with The Rock!
31. Knowing that my God hears my prayers.
32. Teaching Sparkling Promise (my 5-year-old daughter) to read.
33. A husband who knows (and says) what he wants.
34. Frog conventions importantly discussing matters after dark.
35. Warm sunshine.
36. A freshly made bed.
37. The prayers of friends.
38. Salt Racer's kisses and back rubs.
39. Time alone.
40. Peaceful stillness.
41. Children's laughter.
42. Baby smiles.
43. A warm shower.

I hope that you will be inspired to start your own list.

My Baby

Morning sunlight streaming in
Illuminating baby face
Pink lips parted just a bit
Crooked grin responds to kiss.

Red-tinged eyelids close over
Wondering blue eyes, searching
For a loving face, finding
Me, he's satisfied.

Rounded tummy pressed to mine
Full of morning's manna
Little body cuddled close
Filling heart of Mama.

"Long Live Israel"

Magdi Allam, a recent convert from Islam to Christianity,

". . . explained his decision to title a recent book 'Viva Israele' by saying he wrote it after he received death threats from Hamas.

"'Having been condemned to death, I have reflected a long time on the value of life. And I discovered that behind the origin of the ideology of hatred, violence and death is the discrimination against Israel. Everyone has the right to exist except for the Jewish state and its inhabitants,' he said. 'Today, Israel is the paradigm of the right to life.'"

(Quoted from Yahoo News.)

Another Quote

We cannot kindle when we will
The fire which in the heart resides,
The spirit bloweth and is still,
In mystery our soul abides;
But tasks in hours of insight willed
Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled.

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 3/22)

Quote from My Utmost for His Highest

“Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world” (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 3/19).

Lord, lead us to success in Your kingdom. Help us to desire that more than success in the kingdoms of men. Let us not worry about where we are going, but to be content that we are going with You. We know Who is leading, so we need not be afraid of the destination.

Proverb of the Day: Proverbs 18:2

A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart. (Pro 18:2 NKJV)

Ouch. That hits close to home. Too often, I answer before I listen. And even if I do hear and retain what the other person says, I don’t acknowledge their input, for I am more focused on “expressing [my] own heart.” I am sure that leaves them feeling unheard, for my husband has expressed that in many ways. In fact, he’s the reason I even know that I do it. Lord, please make me aware when I am conversing with others. Help me to “delight in understanding” more than in finding that perfect way to communicate what I am thinking.

Wow. That word “expressing” means “to denude (especially in a disgraceful sense); by implication to exile (captives being usually stripped); figuratively to reveal: - + advertise, appear, bewray, bring, (carry, lead, go) captive (into captivity), depart, disclose, discover, exile, be gone, open, X plainly, publish, remove, reveal, X shamelessly, shew, X surely, tell, uncover” (Strong’s).

What are You saying to me, Lord?

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Pro 18:21 NKJV)

Oh.

He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. (Pro 18:13 NKJV)

That’s me.

The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. (Pro 18:15 NKJV)

Lord, help me to speak much less and to listen much more. Let my heart stop trying so hard to express itself (which merely exposes my foolishness) and instead love to acquire knowledge by hearing what my husband, my children, and others are saying. In fact, please help me to stop listening to my own thoughts as much and instead be attentive to Your voice.

Today, in Your strength, I will close my mouth and open my ears. “Zip your lips, little Michelle, and put on your listening ears.” How many times in my life have I heard similar words? Have I ever truly heeded them? Oh, that today might be the day that I begin to hear. Jesus, may it be so.

Crying Out

I cried out to God with my voice, to God with my voice; and He gave ear to me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled; I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah (Psa 77:1-3 NKJV)

“Days of trouble must be days of prayer, days of inward trouble especially, when God seems to have withdrawn from us; we must seek him and seek till we find him” (Matthew Henry, commentary on Ps.77:1-10).

Lord, I will cry out to You until You come and teach my heart to rejoice again in You. I am overwhelmed, but I will not distract myself from the pain. I will press in to You until I find You in this day, this house, these children, this work, and this body of flesh in which You dwell. Give me hope. Teach me patience. Pour Your love into my heart and my children’s.

A Home Educator's Prayer

Lord, You are holding everything in Your hands, perfectly in control. Please intervene on behalf of parents in California and in our nation. Please don’t let control of our children’s education pass from parents’ hands to the hands of the state. We have seen in socialist countries what that can do to a nation and to children. (In Germany, it turned them into Nazi Youth who supported the atrocities the government ordered.) That is diametrically opposed to Your way of training and educating children. You gave that right and responsibility to parents. We will stand before You and account for what we taught them and allowed them to be taught. Please wake up the church and parents to realize what a precious responsibility this is, and help us not to give up our rights without a fight. We stand in confidence before You, knowing that You are the one who can and will act on our behalf. Though we cannot move our government to act righteously, You can. Please be our advocate, and let those in places of influence be moved to correct this situation—no, let this even be turned from a defeat for home schooling into a great victory. Give us back the ground that the enemy has taken. Let this become a great defeat for the powers of darkness that would steal the hearts and minds of our children.

Sign this petition!

Imperfect Parenting

“It finally dawned on me that I had asked something of my parents that they could never be: I had wanted them to love me as only God can love me. And I wanted to love my kids as only God could love them.

“In short, either I was setting up rivals for God or I was trying to compete with God—both are efforts doomed to failure. I finally came to a major crossroads: instead of competing with God, I realized God had called me to focus my efforts on introducing my kids to God, even using my own failures and inadequacies as compelling causes for my children to find their refuge in him.

“What will it be for you? Will you try to compete with God, or will you work to introduce your children to the one true God?” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls, p. 44).

Lord, please help me give up trying to be the perfect parent, the perfect representative of You to my children. Instead, may I live repentant before my children to help them recognize that You are the only one who can love them perfectly.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me. (Psalm 27:10 NKJV)

Though I do not want to, I know that I daily let my kids down in many ways. You, however, are the perfect parent that they need. Help them to find You and to be secure in Your love, and help me to forgive myself when I fall short.

End of Day

I am weary, O God; I am weary and worn out, O God. I am too ignorant to be human, and I lack common sense. I have not mastered human wisdom, nor do I know the Holy One. (Prov. 30:1b-2 NLT)

Wearily I come
To the end of today.
What wisdom I had this morning
Has fled.
I come before the throne,
Empty and ignorant,
Passion’s fire died
To flickering flame.
Welcome as I am,
Asking to be filled
From the ever-flowing river,
To be cleansed
With fire.

Poem by Whittier

This morning found this amazing poem, and I just have to share it. How have I never before discovered this Quaker poet?

The Fruit-Gift
by John Greeleaf Whittier

Last night, just as the tints of autumn's sky
Of sunset faded from our hills and streams,
I sat, vague listening, lapped in twilight dreams,
To the leaf's rustle, and the cricket's cry.
Then, like that basket, flush with summer fruit,
Dropped by the angels at the Prophet's foot,
Came, unannounced, a gift of clustered sweetness,
Full-orbed, and glowing with the prisoned beams
Of summery suns, and rounded to completeness
By kisses of the south-wind and the dew.
Thrilled with a glad surprise, methought I knew
The pleasure of the homeward-turning Jew,
When Eshcol's clusters on his shoulders lay,
Dropping their sweetness on his desert way.
I said, "This fruit beseems no world of sin.
Its parent vine, rooted in Paradise,
O'ercrept the wall, and never paid the price
Of the great mischief,--an ambrosial tree,
Eden's exotic, somehow smuggled in,
To keep the thorns and thistles company."
Perchance our frail, sad mother plucked in haste
A single vine-slip as she passed the gate,
Where the dread sword alternate paled and burned,
And the stern angel, pitying her fate,
Forgave the lovely trespasser, and turned
Aside his face of fire; and thus the waste
And fallen world hath yet its annual taste
Of primal good, to prove of sin the cost,
And show by one gleaned ear the mighty harvest lost.

Standing

For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere. Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]. Stand therefore [hold your ground] … (Eph. 6:12-13a)

I thank the Lord that my struggle is not with flesh and blood. I do not have to struggle, even against myself, but only yield myself to Him. He is my Master, and like a little puppy, I feel the touch of His hand and roll over in complete submission. He may do with me as He pleases. I trust Him without question. (Or at least, that is the desire of my heart. Make it true, Lord!) Sometimes He tickles my tummy and scratches behind my ears. Sometimes He spanks my little (well, maybe not so little) bottom. But always He loves me, and always I will come back to Him, trembling with eagerness to be near Him.

And as for the battle against the powers "of this present darkness," He provides all the armor I need. My task is not to fight, but to stand. I will stand my ground in His strength, confident that nothing can take me out when He is my Warrior. What is my ground? It is my confidence in Him. He is my Rock. He is my firm foundation. Nothing can shake me when I am standing on what is immovable.

I am so grateful for this encouragement today. I needed to hear it. For yesterday, as I read a couple of chapters is Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl, the Lord revealed so much garbage in my heart: a superior attitude and elements of a controlling spirit that I had not previously detected in myself. I was so grieved. As Paul and I drove around collecting gifts and party items for Rayne's birthday this weekend, I confessed to him and repented. I have been so resistant of his leadership. I have not realized what an amazing gift God has given me in being able to rest under his authority in my life. I have been striving to find God's will for myself, for Paul, and for our family, when all of that is not really my primary responsibility. It is my husband's! And my responsibility—which is to discover what he wants, to please him, and to pray for him as my heavenly authority—I have neglected. Instead, I have pushed him in directions that I felt we should go. Even if the direction might (at times) have been good, my attitude was not.

Paul was so gracious to me. He kept telling me what an incredible wife he has always thought that I am. He also kept saying that he feels again like he did when we were dating, when I just admired him so much. The difference, he said, is that now he is much less enamored with himself. Thank You, Lord, that You are now bringing me also to be less enamored with myself and my own spirituality. Thank You for bringing me to a place of being more appreciative of the spiritual (and natural) leadership of my husband. Please continue to give him wisdom for himself, for me, and for our family. And please continue to teach me to trust Your leadership through him. I am standing on You, trusting You to make me the bride You want me to be, both to my husband and to You.

Good Morning, God!

I didn't want to get up early this morning, but I did, and look what encouragement God had planned for me! I trust that you will be encouraged as well.

Coffee with God

Prayer for the Elections

For we can do nothing against the Truth [not serve any party or personal interest], but only for the Truth [which is the Gospel]. (2Co 13:8 AMP)

Serving a “party or personal interest” is not serving the Truth. Lord Jesus, in this year’s presidential elections, raise up those who will “not serve any party or personal interest.” Raise up those who will serve the Truth in every part of their lives. Let them be those who are incapable of doing anything against You, who are the Truth. Instead, may they honor and glorify You in their private and public lives. Raise up a man of righteousness to lead our nation. Raise up men and women of righteousness to surround him in his administration, in the Congress, and in the Supreme Court. Give us godly leaders to guide us through the days ahead.

Out of Egypt

I called my son out of Egypt. (Hos. 11:1b)

This is referring to Israel, but it is also applied to Jesus (Mt. 2:15). How could it refer to Him, since the next verse (11:2) refers to Israel’s rebellion? Perhaps it is because, as the atonement sacrifice, everything what He did was not only for His sake, but for ours. He didn’t only die in our place, He also lived in our place. He walked the same paths that Israel had walked, but He did it in faith and love. He didn’t live a perfect life only to show us how to live, but also to perfectly represent us before the Throne. Since we could not do it right, He did! Thank You, Jesus. There are so many hidden treasures in Your word. Help me to see them. Transform me as I gaze upon Your splendor.

Jacob fled to Aram and earned a wife by tending sheep. (12:12)

Did You not do the same, Jesus? You came and “earned a wife” by tending sheep. You, the Good Shepherd, took care of the sheep that were placed in Your care. And in the end, You will receive the bride for whom You have worked. Even as Jacob had to serve an extra term for Rachel, You are yet waiting for the fulfillment of Your desire. But You will receive what You have earned. You will receive a spotless bride!

Two interesting things: 1) the reference for that verse is 12:12. Is not 12 the number representing the church? (The bride?) And 2) the root of the word translated “Aram” means “castle, palace.” Is this not the root of all our fairy tales? Jesus truly is our knight in shining armor, coming to rescue His princess from her childhood castle of bondage.

Then the Lord led Jacob’s descendants, the Israelites, out of Egypt by a prophet, who guided and protected them. But the people of Israel have bitterly provoked the Lord, so their Lord will now sentence them to death in payment for their sins. (12:13-14)

Yet another parallel. You were led out of Egypt, protected and guided by God. In contrast, You did not provoke the Lord, but pleased Him in every way. Yet the parallel resumes—You were sentenced to death—not in payment for Your sins, but in payment for mine.

Thoughts on the Cross

What does the Cross mean? Yesterday I read a description of it in Richard Foster's book, Celebration of Discipline, which gave me a deeper perspective. But I want to know from You, Jesus, the One who experienced it. What do you want me to understand about the Cross today? I do not understand. It doesn’t seem like a few hours’ separation from Your Father would cause the agony you went through, both in anticipation and at the time. For You knew the end—You knew that You would conquer sin, be restored to fellowship with Your Father, and be raised again. And that not in a few years or decades or millennia, but in a few hours/days! I know that to You, the eternal God, a day is as a thousand years, so one day of separation You would experience much longer (but also much shorter). Perhaps what I am misunderstanding is that You are outside time. You were slain before the foundation of the world. You were physically slain within time, but were You spiritually separated from Father outside of time? It can’t be, can it, that there is an eternal quality to Your experience of separation from the Father? That would account for Your agony. Help me understand.

Yesterday, when Reesa went to visit her grandparents for a couple of days, I imagined what it would be like for our family if she didn’t come home to us. The sorrow, even in my imagination, is just too great to bear. (Yet I know that, were it to happen, You would bear it for us and with us.) I know that she would be restored to us in Heaven, but how long to wait! How many days that would have to be lived without her! Perhaps my faith in the reality of Heaven is not steady enough, but the thought of one day without her, not knowing exactly when we’d ever see her again, is unbearable. The sorrow of Your separation from the Father must have been infinitely more, but I can’t imagine it. Because You knew, didn’t You? You knew that it would be short, and that You would soon be together again?

Jesus knew … that he had come from God and would return to God. (Jn. 13:3 NLT)

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You know the insults I endure—the humiliation and disgrace. You have seen all my enemies and know what they have said. Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. If only one person would show some pity; if only one would turn and comfort me. But instead, they give me poison for food; they offer me sour wine to satisfy my thirst. (Ps. 69:19-21 NLT)

Yesterday evening I watched an episode of Andy Griffith with the kids in which a spoiled little boy dares Sheriff Taylor to put his father in jail. He is more concerned about not losing his bike than he is about his father going to jail. He has broken the law, but he is completely unconcerned about that and just wants to avoid the consequences. How am I different from that little boy? When I look at the Cross, my feelings are usually something like, of course You did that for me. I take it for granted, not comprehending how much my freedom cost You. I am more concerned that I not lose my peace or joy or comfort than I am about Your reputation, Your suffering for me. Help me to understand. Help me to identify with You in Your suffering! I don’t want to be a spoiled brat who is more interested in my toys than I am in You. I want to know You, to understand what You have done for me and why. I want to know what it was like for You to suffer in my place, not so that I can receive any benefit, but so that I can love You and thank you with a heart of real gratitude.

I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! (Php 3:10-11 NLT)

I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. (Lk. 8:47 NLT)

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But this is your moment, the time when the power of darkness reigns. (Lk. 22:53b NLT)

For one moment, one short (but eternal) moment, the power of darkness reigned absolutely. There was no God in the heavens watching over the earth. He had turned His back, for there was no goodness left on the earth. Even His beloved Son, whom He has sent, became “the actual embodiment of sin” (Foster, 144). All was dark, and the eternally glad heart of the Father, which until then had never been tainted with darkness, was filled with sorrow.

But they shouted, “Crucify him! Crucify him!” (Lk. 23:21 NLT)

Why the demonic frenzy of determination to kill the one they had so recently praised as the Messiah? The one who had fed them in the desert and healed their bodies? One day they loved Him; the next they mobbed him. What had changed?

“Why? What crime has he committed? I have found no reason to sentence him to death … But the crowd shouted louder and louder for Jesus’ death, and their voices prevailed. (23:22-23)

They gave no reason; they simply yelled louder. All reason, justice, and compassion fled. Evil reigned, even over God. For this moment, He, who many times had easily evaded capture when the religious leaders had sought to kill Him (and many have done so since), submitted to the unreasoning mob—He let us have our own way. How many times do we pray that God would do things the way we think they should be done? For this moment, He gave in. He let us see what the end result of getting our own way would be: total darkness, depravity, and despair. Yes, God would be dead, and we would be given over to our lowest passions until we sunk lower than the animals, even to the level of demons. If God had not intervened, would we have sunk even lower than the demons? For they had been created to be His servants only, but we had been intended as His bride.

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Richard Foster said that the work of the Cross was finished before You died. I had always thought that Your physical death coincided with Your taking on our sin—almost as if my sin had stopped Your physical heart. But the three hours of darkness from noon to 3pm (Lk. 23:44-46) seem to be when You actually bore my sin. This was the “time when the power of darkness reign[ed].” For after that, the veil in the temple, which had separated me from being able to enter Your presence, was torn. As soon as You shredded it, Your work was done. I was cleansed from my sin and free to approach the holy God, made blameless and pure (1 Cor. 1:30).

What did You experience during those three hours? What about it was so dreadful that You begged to be spared the cup of suffering? For the true suffering must have been then, not later when Your body died. You gave up Your spirit triumphantly, like a woman having given birth. You had finished the work You were sent to do and were restored to oneness with the Father. You then went to the grave, shining light in a dark place that had never seen Your light. You preached deliverance to those who had died before You had come. You were then resurrected to show Yourself again to Your followers and went to Heaven to wait until the end of time, when You will return gloriously and establish Your kingdom on earth. But that was later. What happened to You during that moment when You said “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Mk. 15:34), in the moment of Your ultimate suffering and the fulfillment of Your Father’s will? The moment for which You had come was upon You—You had taken it upon Yourself. What was that like?

Then Jesus uttered another loud cry and breathed his last. And the curtain in the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. (Mk. 15:37-38 NLT)

As You finished Your work, You died. The missionaries to the Auca Indians said that they were immortal until they had completed the work You had given them. Up to that moment, they could not die. As soon as they were finished, they would surely die. This was true of You. You could not, would not die before You had finished the work for which You had been sent. But the moment You had fully atoned for all our sin, You breathed Your last. There was no longer any reason to be subjected to suffering and death. Fully victorious, You released Your Spirit into Father’s hands (Lk. 23:46).

He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we did not care. (Isa. 53:3 NLT)

It was nine o’clock in the morning when the crucifixion took place. (Mk. 15:25 NLT)

Three hours before darkness fell, the nails were driven into Your flesh. What were those three hours like? During that time You were mocked. The fear of God had not yet fallen on those watching You die. Was it like the final waiting before a surgery or execution? Did You pray? Were You beginning, even then, to take sin upon Yourself? Or was it just a dry, dreary time of nothing much happening, just hurting, bleeding, experiencing the physical pain of a broken human body while everyone around You increased Your emotional pain. This was when You had no comforter, no sympathizer to lighten Your burden. You were completely alone and exposed to the eyes of everyone who hated You. Total humiliation. Waiting until the time came for You to begin the terrible work the Father had given You.

… he began to be filled with horror and deep distress. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death … “(Mk. 14:33-34 NLT)

What horrified You? What distressed You so deeply? What crushed Your soul with grief? Was it the anticipation of experiencing my sin? What was it like for One who is Light to be overcome by darkness? For One who knew no sin to become sin?

… it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down … he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! … the Lord laid on him the guilt and sins of us all. (Isa. 53:4-6)

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“Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me.” (Mk. 14:36a NLT)

Yes, Your Father could have taken the cup from You. He is unlimited in power and choice—but He chose not to take it away. It pleased Him (was according to His will and desire) to crush You (Isa. 53:10). You were abandoned—not by accident, but by design. Father actually intended to hurt You, kill You, despise You, and turn away from You. How could He do such a thing, even for a moment? To return to my original comparison, how could I ever intentionally turn away from my precious daughter, rejecting her wholly in front of everyone, and cause her pain so great that her heart would tear to pieces? Yes, I could then restore her, but would she ever forgive me? Could the deep wound of separation ever be healed? How could You forgive Abba for doing that to You? In fact, it doesn’t seem that You ever had to forgive Him. You fully cooperated with and submitted to His act of injustice upon You. What reward could ever make up for such a wrong? What could ever make what He did to You okay?

When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. (Isa. 53:11-12a NLT)

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“The time has come. I, the Son of Man, am betrayed into the hands of sinners.” (Mk. 14:41b NLT)

You were betrayed by everyone, not just by Judas. You were betrayed by Your disciples, Your friends, Your enemies, Your own mother, and by me. Most of all (but in a different sense), You were betrayed by God, Your Father, who had willed that it be so.

“My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away until I drink it, your will be done.” (Mt. 25:42 NLT)

Three times You prayed this prayer. You knew that Father could spare You, but You did not demand it. At the same time, Yours were not empty words. You must have been truly asking if there was another way. You continued to submit wholeheartedly to His will, crying out to Him until You knew that You and He were in total unity of thought and purpose. Then You went forth in peace, not defending or explaining Yourself to anyone, because You knew that You were safe in the Father’s hands. He would slay and crush You, yet You trusted Him (Job 15:13). You needed the justification of no one else.

Jesus remained silent … (Mt. 26:63a NLT)

Jesus said nothing … (27:14a NLT)

He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. (Isa. 53:7 NLT)

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“Don’t you realize that I could ask my Father for thousands of angels to protect us, and he would send them instantly? But if I did, how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that describe what must happen now?” (Mt. 26:53-54 NLT)

You, the living Word, were the fulfillment of the written Word. You could do no less, for the written Word is the expression of who You are. You refused to deliver Yourself, though You could have. Everyone around You thought that meant You were defeated. You appeared weak and helpless. How could God be helpless? If You cannot even help Yourself, how can You help us? And if we do not have You for our help, where else can we turn? We are completely lost without You.

What we didn’t—couldn’t—understand was that this was our help. Our knight in shining armor had ridden to our rescue and, by His death, slayed the dragon forever. This idea was far beyond our comprehension. The only way we can understand it is by looking back at what You did. Though You predicted it through prophets for thousands of years, and personally for three years, we still did not understand. Now, two thousand years later, I’m still trying to comprehend it. Please give me understanding. I will wait on You.

"Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." (Psa 46:10 NLT)

Jesus, I may not understand, but be honored in me anyway. You are my Lord and Savior.

Akiane

You have got to see this amazing girl! She is the world's only known child binary genius - in both art and poetry.

All Hallow's Eve

Here is an interesting article I read about All Saints' Day. I appreciate the historical context without sensationalism. I am so interested in discovering how we as Christians can celebrate the Lord of light during this dark holiday. We have already done so (with more success) at Christmas at Easter. I can't help wondering whether there is an alternative to relinquishing Halloween to the enemy as well.

Is Halloween a Witches' Brew?

A Brief History of 24/7 Prayer

http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?id=1000013642

A Great Quote

"The law is for the self-righteous, to humble their pride: the gospel is for the lost, to remove their despair." (Charles Spurgeon, All of Grace)

Article on Manhood

This article is well worth reading.

"Over Our Dead Bodies" by Anthony Esolen

Our Family

 

And Sweet Boy

 

And here is my sweet boy!

Sweet Girls

 

Another one of my favorite pics! My sweet girls ...

Miss My Hubby!

 

Paul left this morning for a business trip, and I miss him already! (Is it any wonder why?) Also, yesterday my hero hung up our pictures and artwork all over the house. We've been in this house 10 months, and it finally feels like we've moved in! :-D

More Thoughts

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. (Isa. 57:15)

My translation: “For this is what I say, I who am exalted on high, lofty and residing perpetually in eternity, I who am holy in reputation, authority, and character: I dwell in the sacred sanctuary on high, near (among) the crushed and contrite, the humble and lowly spirit (life, breath), to restore to life (nourish, recover) the humble (depressed) mind, and to repair (save, preserve) the heart (will, feelings, intellect) of the broken (bruised, contrite, humble, oppressed).”

It seems to me that the sense here is not that God dwells on high and also with the lowly, but that He dwells on high with the lowly. As if “on high” is where the humble also dwell. Those who exalt themselves are actually positioning themselves in the lowest places, while those who are broken and contrite dwell on high with the humble God. Humility is not contrary to exaltation, but is necessary and complementary to it. Pride is what brings one low. Our thinking is all backwards. It is like swinging at the park. If you move your body in the direction you want to go, you will not get anywhere. But if you move your body in the opposite direction, pushing against the swing, you will soar.

Who is like the Lord our God, Who has His seat on high, Who humbles Himself to regard the heavens and the earth! The Lord raises the poor out of the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap and the dung hill, that He may seat them with princes, even with the princes of His people. (Ps. 113:5-8)

He humbles Himself to enjoy, experience, and gaze joyfully upon the high and lofty sky and space, and also upon the common earth, the nations and the world. He raises up weak, poor man from the ashes (earth, clay, mud), and lifts the beggar (destitute) out of the rubbish pile. He causes him to dwell among princes as an equal with His free people (flock).

When Jesus humbled Himself to come among us as Man (Phil. 2:5-7), He was not going against His nature. It was the inevitable result of a humble God gazing upon His people with delight. Of course He would come as one of us, for the holy dwells with the humble. They are two sides of the same coin. God-Man is not a contradiction, but a completion of the desire of a God who is meek and lowly of heart (Mt. 11:29) to be one with the bride He has created to be one with Himself.

Thinking Out Loud

“One you see [God’s] greatness, there comes great joy in humbling yourself before the Lord. . . . He is everything, and as we are joined to Him the poverty of our personal identity is lost in the fullness of His eternal greatness” (Sorge, p. 47).

This made me think: If God so desired, could He create a being intrinsically equal to Himself to be His friend, His lover? Is that even possible? It seems not, for in order to be of equal greatness, that being would also have to be uncreated, omnipotent, omniscient, etc. And if there was another such being, then He himself could not fully embody those qualities. It would contradict His very being. Then how, if God desired a counterpart, could it be accomplished? For in order to be a true counterpart, she would need to be His equal. And she would need to be other than Himself. But being God, there is no other beside Him. So He must create her. Then how could He endow her with His qualities?

What if, instead of creating a being equal to Himself (or nearly so), He created one completely unequal? One who is poor in every way, in contrast to the unlimited richness of His being. One who had no greatness of her own, an empty vessel. The one quality that He would give her, the one thing that could make her truly other than Himself, would be her choice to love Him or not. If she chose to love Him, coming to Him in her poverty, then He would fill her with Himself. She would become his counterpart, not because of her own worthiness, but because of His worthiness bestowed upon her. She would become His equal (in a sense that I do not understand), not because she would be God, but because she would receive into herself His Spirit. And in so doing, she would become one with Him. She would always be the weaker vessel, but she would glory in her weakness because it enabled her to be filled with His strength. If she had any strength (or goodness or greatness) of her own, she would always remain lesser, for she could not fully receive Him into herself. And so He would give her none of her own, and all of His.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27, ESV)

And we are living the rest of the story.

Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Selah (Psalm 39:5, ESV)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV)

I have been struggling with consistency the past few days. Worse, I am struggling with a lack of desire to be consistent. Lying around all the time should make it easier to spend more time in the Word, but I find there is a whole different set of distractions available to me. There are projects that I want to work on while I have the time, like organizing family pictures and researching home school options (my favorite website right now is www.homeschoolreviews.com). There are books I want to read (lately I have been devouring Joel Rosenberg’s books, The Last Jihad, The Last Days, and currently, The Ezekiel Option). And, while none of these are bad things, it’s amazing how much time they can eat up so that, at the end of the day, I have spent little or no time in the Word.

Another thing making it difficult is my irregular sleep schedule. I have gotten out of the habit of getting up at my regular time to be alone with God. Some nights I can’t get to sleep until 1 a.m., and on nights when I do fall asleep earlier, I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning, again unable to sleep. Pain and contractions certainly make sleep difficult sometimes! Of course, I can (and sometimes do) use that time to be in the Word. But usually my brain is so foggy from sleep deprivation that I can hardly concentrate on a verse, much less process what God is trying to say to me.

Maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself. I haven’t given up, and I do crack open my Bible at least a little each day. But why is it so much easier to distract myself from the pain with a novel or a movie (I’ve watched the whole Lord of the Rings series in the past couple of weeks) than it is to enter into the Word of God? I want my spirit to be renewed, and no other content, however worthy, can replace God’s living Word for doing that.

I know that my weak prayers and efforts are sweet incense to the Lord. I know that He sees the “yes” in my heart and understands my struggle. What concerns me, as I mentioned at the beginning, is how much my desire for time in the Word and prayer has decreased over the past few days.

Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I listened to a OneThing podcast of a sermon by Misty Edwards. She was talking about the parable of the virgins with their lamps and oil in Matthew 25. She put it very simply: the lamps are our outward life and ministry. The oil is our inward life with God—intimacy with Him in the secret place (primarily spending time in the Word). The foolish virgins are the ones who spend all their time and energy on their lamps. They have a little oil, but they are not investing the time to deepen their relationship with God. In the end, they lose everything. The wise virgins, on the other hand, also have lamps, but they are not consumed by their outward lives. They are investing the best part of their time in getting oil, and when the light is darkest, their lamps do not go out.

Oh, how I want to be a wise virgin! Lord, help me not give in to lethargy or laziness concerning Your Word. Renew the urgency in my spirit to go deep in You.

Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Give me oil in my lamp, I pray
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Keep me burning till the break of day

This is fun!

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Entirely Miss Reverend Lady Michelle the Antediluvian of Longer Interval Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Why dost thou wound and break my heart
As if we would forever part?
Hast thou not heard an oath from me—
After a day or two or three?
I would come back and live with thee.
Take, if thou dost distrust that vow
This second protestation now:
If on thy cheek, that spangled tear
That sits as dew of roses there,
That tear shall scarce be dried before
I’ll kiss the threshold of thy door.
Then, weep not, sweet, but this much know—
I’m half-returned before I go.

-Robert Herrick, quoted in A Perfect Love by Lori Copeland and Angela Hunt

This is a beautiful poem that speaks to my heart now, as my husband is away on a business trip this week. And isn't it also incredible as a love-note from Jesus to us?

Entertaining Ourselves

This is the day I discovered that a digital camera is a good way to keep a four-year-old, an almost-three-year-old, and an 18-month old entertained. That and a doctor's stool for races. It worked! . . . for a little while.

John's Incredible Pizza is a bit more fun than the doctor's office. :) Clockwise: 1) Robyn and Michelle enjoying the ride. 2) Oma and Gopa squirting frogs with Rayne and Reesa. 3) Daddy helping Cedar shoot 'em up. 4) Reesa, Rayne, and Cedar skyrocketing to the moon.